Breaking up with my perfect partner due to his daughter

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Should we break up or make up?
Poll runs till 27 Jan 2022, 6:22 pm
1. Break up. 83%  83%  [ 5 ]
2. Make up. 17%  17%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 6

BrambleberryPie
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14 Jan 2022, 2:33 pm

rse92 wrote:
You paid his mortgage. You took him and his child on an trip. You bought him a 4x4.

You need to get out, run away and don't go back. He and his daughter are TOXIC. Consider yourself lucky it is only money you have wasted on him.


Thanks for your point of view.



BrambleberryPie
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14 Jan 2022, 2:45 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
If you ask me, that was pretty nasty of him to throw you out like that just because you got frustrated over one time. Not to mention, take your job and transportation away from you? That sounds like a controller who you don't need in your life. You deserve so much better than that.


Summer Twilight,

Just to be clear I 'chose' to give up my job. In reality I didn't feel able to go into work anyway as I was in such a bad place and needed some time to recuperate mentally, physically and emotionally. I had to leave the area to feel safe. I felt to vulnerable down there. My ex partner's friend phoned 999 to say I broke into his house with my mum who is 60, I stole his car and was driving without insurance. I got blue lighted and pulled over by two massive police vans - maybe half a dozen cops and aggressively told I was lying and went to his home wihout permission and against police advice. None of this was true and no police action was taken against me. Bear in mind I had just attempted suicide, just released from hospital, could hardly speak and I have ASD so was terrified I would be arrested. The police have no idea about autism and their actions were causing me to escalate even more. I was left without transport as my documents were in his house and I had no way to tax my vehicles without papers. I ended up spending £6K to get a car so I could get a job up here. I moved 40 miles away - back home to feel safe and be neareer familiy.

I appreciate your response and hearing your opinion. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond and advise me.

My ex partner has since admitted he went to far and over reacted, but he listened to the police wrongly saying I had knives under the bed. I have never hurt anybody in my life before and neither have I thought about it. My suicide attempt was more an extreme form of 'flight' or escape or elopement related to autism and a situational acute stress reaction, rather than suicidal ideation or wanting to die.



rse92
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14 Jan 2022, 2:54 pm

My therapist just told me this afternoon (in another context) that it takes the average abused woman seven tries before she leaves her abuser for good. Don't let it take you that long.



Sweetleaf
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14 Jan 2022, 2:55 pm

BrambleberryPie wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
BrambleberryPie wrote:
Hi Everyone,

I am normally too shy to post, but wanted to share a big struggle in my life right now. I am sure family dynamic problems are very common here, so even if posting doesn't help me, it may help somebody else.

Basically I met my perfect guy, all was going well and we moved in together. We have both been diagnosed with ASD in last year. His daughter is 9 and adorable. I always got on fabulously with her up until recently. We are so alike that I seem to have a natural connection with her. She said herself that 'life is good' when we were all living together. However, in recent weeks she has developed all sorts of phobias around me. This was dominating my life and it became too much for me to bear. I was working up to 80 hours a week to try to pay my partner's mortgage and support them both. I only ever thought of them first, to the detriment of my own health. However, one particularly bad day before Christmas I yelled in front of his daughter as I could not stand the disrespect any longer. I was thrown out of the house like trash, made homeless, jobless and left without transport. I was super scared and had an acute stress reaction, leading to overdose or suicide attempt. The police and doctors were horribly ignorant of ASD and made everything worse by miscommunicating and treating me like a criminal.

Advice welcomed. I love this man like you can't believe but cannot go back to that situation.

Anyone dealing with similar issues at home.

Thanks


What the hell, why where you soley responsible for paying your partners Morgage, 80 hours a week is freaking insane. And what was he doing all that time, sitting at home watching footballl? oof I get you loved him but sounds like he was kind of taking advantage. May feel bad that the kid seemingly turned on you but damn sounds like he was being kind of a bum and like idk he might have encouraged his daughter to start thinking worse of you...if he decided with your 80 hours week you still weren't doing enough. Did he at least do some housework and dishes? Or was that also up to you.


Hi Sweetleaf,

He is bankrupt due to health issues. He pretty much had a breakdown due to undiagnosed ASD and ADHD, along with some bereavement issues, not sleeping due to his daughter's undianosed ADHD and the breakdown of his marriage. He can no longer work in his previous profession and has a much lower income. He did contribute financially towards the bills, but I ended up picking up the bill for hot tub, puppies, trips out for his little girl. I loved them both and wanted to do this, but I expected the same love in return. I did not expect for him to kick me out and basically tell me he will try to get me back the £35k I paid off his mortgage arrears a few months ago, but he cannot be responsible for his ex wife's actions and the trustees will take a big sum of the money for his bankruptcy.


That is why it seems like he was kind of just using you. I mean you spend all this money and over-work yourself for him and his daughter only to get thrown out? That is not how a partner who appreciates what their S.O does for them acts.

I know it sucks, but its not really your responsibility to fix those people, you are important to and should take care of yourself. I mean do you really want to make up with someone who is willing to just throw you out on the street after all you do for them? He and his daughter may have disabilities, but that doesn't make it ok to just use people and then throw them out like garbage, like it sounds like he did do you.



BrambleberryPie
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14 Jan 2022, 3:00 pm

rse92 wrote:
My therapist just told me this afternoon (in another context) that it takes the average abused woman seven tries before she leaves her abuser for good. Don't let it take you that long.


Good point. Yes, I had an abusive relationship in past and it fizzled out slowly. A doctor told me that I was not in contol of my own life, but it took me another three years - until 2013 to understand what she meant.

In my current situation, 'the abuse' is not intentional, and may not even amount to abuse, but rather just an unhealthy relationship. However your point is correct, either way, as much as I love this man, I cannot be with him in this lifetime with all the challenges around us.



BrambleberryPie
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14 Jan 2022, 3:06 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
BrambleberryPie wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
BrambleberryPie wrote:
Hi Everyone,

I am normally too shy to post, but wanted to share a big struggle in my life right now. I am sure family dynamic problems are very common here, so even if posting doesn't help me, it may help somebody else.

Basically I met my perfect guy, all was going well and we moved in together. We have both been diagnosed with ASD in last year. His daughter is 9 and adorable. I always got on fabulously with her up until recently. We are so alike that I seem to have a natural connection with her. She said herself that 'life is good' when we were all living together. However, in recent weeks she has developed all sorts of phobias around me. This was dominating my life and it became too much for me to bear. I was working up to 80 hours a week to try to pay my partner's mortgage and support them both. I only ever thought of them first, to the detriment of my own health. However, one particularly bad day before Christmas I yelled in front of his daughter as I could not stand the disrespect any longer. I was thrown out of the house like trash, made homeless, jobless and left without transport. I was super scared and had an acute stress reaction, leading to overdose or suicide attempt. The police and doctors were horribly ignorant of ASD and made everything worse by miscommunicating and treating me like a criminal.

Advice welcomed. I love this man like you can't believe but cannot go back to that situation.

Anyone dealing with similar issues at home.

Thanks


What the hell, why where you soley responsible for paying your partners Morgage, 80 hours a week is freaking insane. And what was he doing all that time, sitting at home watching footballl? oof I get you loved him but sounds like he was kind of taking advantage. May feel bad that the kid seemingly turned on you but damn sounds like he was being kind of a bum and like idk he might have encouraged his daughter to start thinking worse of you...if he decided with your 80 hours week you still weren't doing enough. Did he at least do some housework and dishes? Or was that also up to you.


Hi Sweetleaf,

He is bankrupt due to health issues. He pretty much had a breakdown due to undiagnosed ASD and ADHD, along with some bereavement issues, not sleeping due to his daughter's undianosed ADHD and the breakdown of his marriage. He can no longer work in his previous profession and has a much lower income. He did contribute financially towards the bills, but I ended up picking up the bill for hot tub, puppies, trips out for his little girl. I loved them both and wanted to do this, but I expected the same love in return. I did not expect for him to kick me out and basically tell me he will try to get me back the £35k I paid off his mortgage arrears a few months ago, but he cannot be responsible for his ex wife's actions and the trustees will take a big sum of the money for his bankruptcy.


That is why it seems like he was kind of just using you. I mean you spend all this money and over-work yourself for him and his daughter only to get thrown out? That is not how a partner who appreciates what their S.O does for them acts.

I know it sucks, but its not really your responsibility to fix those people, you are important to and should take care of yourself. I mean do you really want to make up with someone who is willing to just throw you out on the street after all you do for them? He and his daughter may have disabilities, but that doesn't make it ok to just use people and then throw them out like garbage, like it sounds like he did do you.



No I don't want that for myself Sweetleaf. I wanted him to love me as much as I love him. I wanted him to protect me like I tried to protect him. I wanted him to cherish me, appreciate me, support me, care for me. I wanted him to trust me and understand my intentions were never bad. I want a partner who will fight for me, protect me, not stand there and let bad things happen to me, opening his mouth but nothing comes out, or making promises and plans that never come into fruition. Hi ex wife is going to have to step up now. I was the one who paid for my SD ASD diagnosis and am now paying for counselling - not even her own mother does that for her. I deserve better and I have other options.



Mona Pereth
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14 Jan 2022, 5:04 pm

BrambleberryPie wrote:
My partner called police minutes after I asked him to sign a minute of agreement through lawyer and I took my car keys back from him. I had bought him a car, but needed to sell it to recoup my money. Then he wanted me gone, like I had served my purpose. I was no longer the cash cow and maybe he did not need me anymore.

Uh oh. This doesn't sound good. Does it still seem to you like his relationship with you is based solely on monetary need?

BrambleberryPie wrote:
I managed to get another car, rent a flat and get a job

I'm glad to hear you're doing okay in terms of life necessities, at least.


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 14 Jan 2022, 5:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mona Pereth
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14 Jan 2022, 5:13 pm

BrambleberryPie wrote:
I do feel his daughter is acting up to get her own way to some extent. I can see that she really struggles with the side effects of her meds recently, but I feel a lot of this is a misguided attempt by her to get her parents back together.

There was a lot of talk from her about magic potions to get her parents back together. She even started to leave her mum's crystals in strategic places. She also wrote a story with her friend that involved a witch and a magic potion. In the story she was hiding under the witches bed. That day she wrote the story she was under my bed with her friend and kept waking me up when I was on nightshift, working up to 80 hours a week. It is mental torture being in that house.

It sounds like she misses her mom.

Is there any chance of resolving the custody battle with a joint custody arrangement, perhaps with the aid of some post-divorce couples counseling to help make such an arrangement work? This might be best for the daughter, and would also have the side benefit of getting her out of your hair at least part of the time.


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Mona Pereth
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14 Jan 2022, 5:32 pm

BrambleberryPie wrote:
It is make or break this weekend. He says he is going to tell his daugher he is back together with me. It is only talking right now. I gave him the key to my new flat, but despite initially leaving me the key to his house (our former home) he took it back.

What was his stated reason for taking back the key from you? And does he still live there?

BrambleberryPie wrote:
Part of me wants to understand his blind spots, but it is sucking my blood. He also had a custody battle with his ex wife, meaning he did not see his daughter for many months. His ex wife said daughter was traumatised as he could no linger afford fees for private school and she was pulled out of class abruptly. She also mentioned his mental health struggles. He is such a lovely,mild mannered guy and I love him, but I cannot live my life if he does not fight for me as I fight for him. I was all in from the beginning but his 'love' has all sorts of conditions attached.

I see his hang ups and want to allow him more time, but when is it going to happen if I don't put a deadline on it. I feel like there needs to be an ultimatum this weekend. 'Tell your daughter I am moving back in and give me some legal protection with house or let me go, let me move on with the next guy and make every effort to pay back my money.'

Getting your money back from him might not be feasible, but it's certainly reasonable for you to require legal protection with the house if he wants you to live with him.

I agree that an ultimatum is probably necessary, if you decide that he's worth bothering with at all at this point.


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BrambleberryPie
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14 Jan 2022, 5:40 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
BrambleberryPie wrote:
I do feel his daughter is acting up to get her own way to some extent. I can see that she really struggles with the side effects of her meds recently, but I feel a lot of this is a misguided attempt by her to get her parents back together.

There was a lot of talk from her about magic potions to get her parents back together. She even started to leave her mum's crystals in strategic places. She also wrote a story with her friend that involved a witch and a magic potion. In the story she was hiding under the witches bed. That day she wrote the story she was under my bed with her friend and kept waking me up when I was on nightshift, working up to 80 hours a week. It is mental torture being in that house.

It sounds like she misses her mom.

Is there any chance of resolving the custody battle with a joint custody arrangement, perhaps with the aid of some post-divorce couples counseling to help make such an arrangement work? This might be best for the daughter, and would also have the side benefit of getting her out of your hair at least part of the time.


Thanks Mona,

Yes, I think he does love me, genuinely, but nobody can deny the obvious financial benefits he gets from being in a relationship with me. The parents do have joint custody, with Dad having her about a third of the time. Her mum has her own business and lives with Grandad. She works full time and my partner's daughter is left with 75 year old grandad who has OCD around cleanliness and order and phobias around Covid. Family counselling would help, but despite having the money, mum and grandad are not willing to pay for it. I paid for her diagnosis, offered to pay for counselling, invited her mum round at Christmas. My ex, her Dad is not even allowed in her mum's house if he is desparate to go to loo. They both live rural and about 45 minutes distance from each other. Their whole marriage breakdown and divorce is acrimonious. It has badly affeected their daughter. She was not allowed to see her own dad for over a year and he had to go to court to get access - now he is constantly being asked to look after her more as mum needs extra childcare. The whole family is bonkers. I just told my ex tonight that we are finished. He said he would talk to his daughter tonight, but yet again it is only talk, no action. I feel sorry for the little girl. I loved her as my own, but I can't do anything to help now.

The fact that he did not give me the key to his house back shows that he either doesn't trust me or is playing me for a fool. Yes, I did give him an ultimatum and he did not step up. He hides away and says nothing. Thank you, next! I deserve better.



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14 Jan 2022, 7:19 pm

BrambleberryPie wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
BrambleberryPie wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
BrambleberryPie wrote:
Hi Everyone,

I am normally too shy to post, but wanted to share a big struggle in my life right now. I am sure family dynamic problems are very common here, so even if posting doesn't help me, it may help somebody else.

Basically I met my perfect guy, all was going well and we moved in together. We have both been diagnosed with ASD in last year. His daughter is 9 and adorable. I always got on fabulously with her up until recently. We are so alike that I seem to have a natural connection with her. She said herself that 'life is good' when we were all living together. However, in recent weeks she has developed all sorts of phobias around me. This was dominating my life and it became too much for me to bear. I was working up to 80 hours a week to try to pay my partner's mortgage and support them both. I only ever thought of them first, to the detriment of my own health. However, one particularly bad day before Christmas I yelled in front of his daughter as I could not stand the disrespect any longer. I was thrown out of the house like trash, made homeless, jobless and left without transport. I was super scared and had an acute stress reaction, leading to overdose or suicide attempt. The police and doctors were horribly ignorant of ASD and made everything worse by miscommunicating and treating me like a criminal.

Advice welcomed. I love this man like you can't believe but cannot go back to that situation.

Anyone dealing with similar issues at home.

Thanks


What the hell, why where you soley responsible for paying your partners Morgage, 80 hours a week is freaking insane. And what was he doing all that time, sitting at home watching footballl? oof I get you loved him but sounds like he was kind of taking advantage. May feel bad that the kid seemingly turned on you but damn sounds like he was being kind of a bum and like idk he might have encouraged his daughter to start thinking worse of you...if he decided with your 80 hours week you still weren't doing enough. Did he at least do some housework and dishes? Or was that also up to you.


Hi Sweetleaf,

He is bankrupt due to health issues. He pretty much had a breakdown due to undiagnosed ASD and ADHD, along with some bereavement issues, not sleeping due to his daughter's undianosed ADHD and the breakdown of his marriage. He can no longer work in his previous profession and has a much lower income. He did contribute financially towards the bills, but I ended up picking up the bill for hot tub, puppies, trips out for his little girl. I loved them both and wanted to do this, but I expected the same love in return. I did not expect for him to kick me out and basically tell me he will try to get me back the £35k I paid off his mortgage arrears a few months ago, but he cannot be responsible for his ex wife's actions and the trustees will take a big sum of the money for his bankruptcy.


That is why it seems like he was kind of just using you. I mean you spend all this money and over-work yourself for him and his daughter only to get thrown out? That is not how a partner who appreciates what their S.O does for them acts.

I know it sucks, but its not really your responsibility to fix those people, you are important to and should take care of yourself. I mean do you really want to make up with someone who is willing to just throw you out on the street after all you do for them? He and his daughter may have disabilities, but that doesn't make it ok to just use people and then throw them out like garbage, like it sounds like he did do you.



No I don't want that for myself Sweetleaf. I wanted him to love me as much as I love him. I wanted him to protect me like I tried to protect him. I wanted him to cherish me, appreciate me, support me, care for me. I wanted him to trust me and understand my intentions were never bad. I want a partner who will fight for me, protect me, not stand there and let bad things happen to me, opening his mouth but nothing comes out, or making promises and plans that never come into fruition. Hi ex wife is going to have to step up now. I was the one who paid for my SD ASD diagnosis and am now paying for counselling - not even her own mother does that for her. I deserve better and I have other options.


For sure you deserve better, someone who actually appreciates you.



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15 Jan 2022, 1:59 pm

Get out. Walk away. Leave.

Unintentional abuse is still abuse.

I have a friend 2 Friends who won't leave their abusive husband's because they are making excuses for them due to ADHD an an undiagnosed issue. The are unhappy and just want to be loved back and they are not being loved back after years and years and years of being wonderful caring people, giving second, third, fourth, fiftieth chances.

You deserve better.

If he wanted to show you love he would do it.