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Sarahsmith
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05 Apr 2022, 7:27 am

But he left me. They say with twin flames theres the runner and the chaser. The runner is running from the relationship and the chaser is chasing after the one running. We would do the push pull thing a lot. I felt like he's the most beautiful person I've ever met, and that's what I felt was wrong. I'm female. Aren’t I supposed to be the perfect one? It felt like he was my other half, the half that completed me. But because of all the trauma and emotional baggage I didn’t feel ready for a love so pure and perfect. I felt I didn’t deserve it and not only that, he was an artist and just seemed to have such a vulnerable innocence about him that I snubbed my nose at him. Because I don't get to be like that. I’ve been mistreated by people to the point it seems like abuse. Women have to worry about so many things that men take for granted. Like I'm tired of being scared to walk alone at night or I’d like to hitch hike somewhere but it's too dangerous for just a woman with autism. So after throwing a tantrum because I thought he hated me because I failed at life and failed myself he tried to comfort me, but when he did it was too sweet. I didn’t believe it. That anyone could be that nice in a world so cruel. So I turned my back on him and he finally gave up and said. “ Fine, if loving you is torturing you I won't do this to you anymore.” And with that he simply walked away. I tried calling him to beg for forgiveness. I mean I was on my monthly cycle when I threw that fit and didn’t want to be around men. 8O But he didn't believe me. And no wonder. He’s my soulmate. He can read my mind. He probably knows I’ve got trauma that only I can work on myself. He even said he couldn’t do it all for me.

But ever since he left I haven’t really been strong enough to work on myself. I do nothing but lay around and sob, calling him and begging him to come back. But he never shows. I feel worse today. Couldn’t get enough sleep. Felt like throwing up last night and today because of the empty void I now feel. I’m terrified he will never come back. My life will feel pointless and empty and nothing will fill the void. I need to talk to a psychic or spiritual healer. I need to know if he’ll ever come back. No one ever gave a s**t about me like he did. No one.

He told me one last thing before he left. That it’s not a bad thing if there would be no point anymore to life. Because life is not about finding the answer to make it all better. The answer to life is there is no answer, I heard a guru once say. Which is funny. Because if that's true then why does everyone think it’s love. Including me. I need to see him again someday, even if we aren't lovers anymore. Even if we’re just friends. I need to see him again.

I just need to.



Last edited by Sarahsmith on 05 Apr 2022, 7:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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05 Apr 2022, 7:36 am

If he does come back, just make sure you don't get ridiculous notions and push him away again.

The "push and pull" thing is what made relationships very difficult when I was younger.

I hope he comes back, and that you don't push him away again because he is "nice."



Sarahsmith
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05 Apr 2022, 7:39 am

The only thing that will make him come back is if I work on myself. But that’s hard to do now because he’s gone. Everything seems so pointless. All I can do is grieve.

And he left me at the worst possible time. When I’m poor and dying and have no true friends. Only people I hang out with that I have to pretend to be happy around. He was all I ever truly had. I just didn’t realize it.



Last edited by Sarahsmith on 05 Apr 2022, 7:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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05 Apr 2022, 7:41 am

Many people have used other people for inspiration-----maybe you can use him for artistic inspiration, say----like make him a muse. Maybe this can lead to you "working on yourself."

People have allowed others to inspire them even when they are on the verge of giving up.



Sarahsmith
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05 Apr 2022, 7:44 am

He was my muse. But instead of art maybe I could make him my muse for life....



Sarahsmith
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05 Apr 2022, 7:49 am

To fill the gap I’ve been hanging with a different ex. He was mean to me when we were young because really he’s out of my league. But he is nicer now because he felt sorry and he’s been taking me on mini road trips and buying me dinner.

But it’s not really helping me work on myself if it’s just an ex spoiling me when my soul mate has left me. I did nothing but think of my soulmate the whole time I was hanging with my ex.



kraftiekortie
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05 Apr 2022, 7:54 am

Please stop with this "out of my league" stuff. It's a load of beans.

I don't feel somebody like Angelina Jolie or whoever is "out of my league."

Yep....a "muse for life." Good idea. Many times, art IS life.

There's nothing wrong with allowing someone else to inspire you. In fact, virtually everybody who has succeeded in life have been inspired by a person other than him/herself.

Sorry for being so blunt----but I just don't believe anybody is out of anybody's "league."



Sarahsmith
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05 Apr 2022, 11:39 am

I don’t think he’s my soulmate anymore. I think I screwed up on a cosmological scale. I feel like nothing and literally don’t see the point of my existence anymore if he’s gone, which it seems he truly is. I’m trying to be inspired by him but now I’m just tortured by the fact he’s gone. Why did he leave me? How could he leave me here like this. I’m dying. I hate where I live. I hate my body and my stupid mind that never gets life. All I want is my soulmate back. I’m sickened by existence without him in it. It’s not enough.



Sarahsmith
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05 Apr 2022, 11:39 am

What if he never comes back?

I feel like a kid that got too spoiled so now my parents are putting me in time out and they took away my candy. He was my candy. :(



Last edited by Sarahsmith on 05 Apr 2022, 11:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

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05 Apr 2022, 11:42 am

Sarahsmith wrote:
What if he never comes back?


You move on.
I had a soulmate once, which was odd considering I don't have a soul.


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Sarahsmith
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05 Apr 2022, 12:10 pm

I don’t have one either. So that’s probably why he left me. I refuse to go on. There is like no point to life anymore. I’m not going to pretend to be happy if I don’t want. I’m tired of putting on the happy show for people. I’m not happy. There is nothing to be happy about. This world sucks.



Sarahsmith
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05 Apr 2022, 12:12 pm

I’m moving on alright. I’m moving on to my death. I can’t believe he left me here like this while I’m dying. In a town that hates me. He must really think I’m a piece if s**t.



funeralxempire
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05 Apr 2022, 12:13 pm

Sarahsmith wrote:
There is nothing to be happy about.


It's hard to see past immense pain, but there's always things to be happy for and there's always things to complain about. You'll get to the point where you can notice things to be happy about again.


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Sarahsmith
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05 Apr 2022, 12:21 pm

I don’t believe that if I only have two years left to live. It would take longer to recover than that.



funeralxempire
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05 Apr 2022, 12:33 pm

Sarahsmith wrote:
I don’t believe that if I only have two years left to live. It would take longer to recover than that.


Why do you only have two more years left?


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Sarahsmith
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05 Apr 2022, 12:36 pm

Because I have heart disease.