Where do ASD people find love?

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Well also, there are a lot of guys who want relationships but say they cannot find any. So there is that third category of guys that might have a chance with women over 35 perhaps, who are more relationship potential?

There hand

Sometimes, Muse makes a lot of sense. In his recent comments, though, he’s showing his inexperience in living life.

Muse is not a bad guy….but I know that it isn’t as simple as he portrays it.

Women frequently don’t “decline” in looks as they get older. Some, in fact, become more attractive.

And who cares what the MGTOWs say? They frequently talk nonsense and give poor advice to lonely men.

MGTOW = “Men Going Their Own Way.”

LOL, yeah a lot of guys wanted to date me when I was 16-21, but there was definitely a quality vs quantity thing, it's not like anyone was looking for marriage when they were after me when I was that age. And most people over 35 would rather have a handful of dates with quality people than a massive number of dates with jerks. Also when I was dating in my 30s and early 40s, I had a lot to fill my time with besides dating, most women that age are BUSY

Also, re: people willing to put up with more from a woman who's young and cute, part of that's because the other people (such as young men) are inexperienced at that age, so you have these very non genre savvy daters who don't have a long red flag list yet, and you also have the older skeeves and creeps..

Also it's not like most GOOD people were looking for marriage from someone that young in my culture/region. I know many women who got married to decent people who met them later in their 20s or older. (I found teen/young adult dating to be such a dud that there are periods i decided to just wait out, while focusing on myself.)

Also, lots of women can get dates, but can't get committed relationships. That was literally me before my diagnosis, but given how old I was when I married my ex husband (31) something might have "stuck" by then anyway, I feel like many women in my social world actually got married around that age.

Last edited by orbweaver on 16 Jul 2022, 11:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think you have seriously failed to understand why things went so bad for your sister, as well as why it is not going much better for you, particularly because you don't appear to learn from her mistakes.

So, your sister had the high dating market value you so much desire, and yet it didn't work out for her. That's pretty understandable since being a hot woman on the autism spectrum leads a huge amount of attempts to hook up for sex or just to get some status from being with a hot woman. For the woman, this is not positive. She will fail in all her dating since the guys that show interest are primarily NTs (or wannabe NTs). This leads to failed dates (best case), poor relationsships or outright abusive relationships she cannot get out of (worse case). When this happens regularly, it leads to poor confidence, judging guys as "they all want the same thing" and ultimately, depression and perhaps drinking too much and becoming alcoholic.

You might claim that if you work hard to learn dating, become a good social player, get a high paying job with lots of status, this will make it easier for you (as a man on the autism spectrum) to get into a worthwhile relationship. I don't know why you believe in this at all. As I wrote above, your sister had this position without having to work for it, and it didn't work out the way you assume it will for you. Actually, there is no reason to believe that a man on the autism spectrum that has worked a lot to attain high rank in dating market will do any better than a woman that has high rank in dating based on looks. They both face the same problems of not getting dates with compatible people, and eventually, a large amont of rejections or failures will erode their self-confidence and send them deep into depression,

A hot woman on the autism spectrum needs an effective way to deter NTs from even trying to hook up with her. A good method is to outright ignore every contact attempt made by men. You might say this will make her reject everybody and never even get a single date, but the truth is that autistic men HATE to make these contact attempts, and only do them (and poorly) after being convinced they have to in order to succeed with dating. So, instead of going on dates with men that "hooks up with her", she starts to pay attention to the shy men that never do this, and when she find somebody that interests her, she makes an attempt to connect with him herself. This will be a route for success for her. However, note, that the men that will also become successful are those that don't buy that they need to try to hookup with as many women as possible.

So, the solution for both men and women on the autism spectrum is to stop acting like NTs, stop learn rules of dating and be yourself. This is the only way that leads to worthwhile relationships IMO.

Agreed. The primary issue is quality vs quantity. Quality for people on the spectrum often means being compatible, not in interests, culture or social status, but in personality/neurotype.

Unfortunately, I suspect that since ND men tend to be late bloomers, lots of ND women find themselves stuck dating NT guys early on, if they're on the dating market early and are only interested in age-appropriate guys.

I was a "cute enough" girl (had my takers.) I was in a "target rich environment" where I met a lot of guys. I got dumped a lot. The majority of these guys were NTs, because the NDs weren't datable.

I had the experience you describe (except for alcoholism) and it all tracks. In retrospect, a giant chunk related to unmasking dynamics (them finding out I was actually a hot mess, a few weeks into dating me), and not fitting into their social circles (and I don't know what of that was because of autism or because I was dating so many intensely normie, mainstream people in my teens). There is also something... definitely ND about the *way* I experience and express attraction, that was fundamentally repulsive to NTs (of any sex, I later learned). And it leads me to wonder if ND people experience the feelings around attraction in a fundamentally different way from NTs.

Whenever I felt attraction, it would totally overwhelm me in the moment. I'd be with the person and all of my senses would be overwhelmed, like I can't even speak when they're around me and this is a point at which I imagine I wasn't really able to hide anything weird about myself. It's usually the point I got dumped at, and for a long time (until I stopped trying to date normie NTs, and stuck with NDs) I was extremely bitter.

I didn't actually start to have relationships that lasted any length of time until after my diagnosis.

I dig women the way NT guys dig women.

I used to get all speechless and shy when I had crushes.

Not sure about that. I connected strongly to a girl in high school, and then again to another girl in college. However, this was nothing like dating, and basically only a few close friends new something was going on at all.

So, the problem might be more that NDs don't like dating, and the connections they make typically look nothing like dating and won't end up as established relationships. Still, they feel very rewarding.

For me, it was only the auspices of online dating sites that made it possible at all. I never made the slightest attempt to date until 2009, at age 30.

23 years on, and 4 relationships later, and I still can't imagine taking any sort of traditional/conventional paths to success in this realm. In fact, I now know enough about myself to realize that my early level of self-knowledge about what I really wanted out of a relationship would have served me well in the long term, if I had only stuck to it. But that was still many years before realizing I was solidly on the spectrum, and I knuckled under to the "norms", rather than limiting myself to the extent that I knew was right for me.

My best advice is to try to fully understand what you want and need out of a relationship before jumping into one that just isn't right for you. If your wants and needs are sufficiently out of kilter, in comparison to the mainstream, consider the idea that perhaps you'd be best suited to not be in a relationship. Sometimes the downsides of a poorly-fitting relationship can seriously outweigh the superficial benefits.

Darron

What do you mean by 'stuck' dating NT guys early on or how are they stuck doing that exactly? Also, if ND men are late bloomers, would it be possibly more logical to go for younger women therefore, if they can?

We aren't capable of feeling real love. Most of us only want a partner for loveless sex and from the fear of dying alone.

Many of us have found “real love.”

Why is this, if this is true?

That's just crazy. I suppose that you didn't know the rate of asexuality is several times higher in autism (and particularly in women) than among NTs? And I'm sure you didn't know that infatuation is much stronger in autism as well. This does not sound anywhere near what you claim, and the reverse appears more likely.

There have been quite a few comments not just here but on other threads too, about how a lot of women put a lot of emphasis on looks when it comes to men.

However, I use to never be able to get women at all, and striked out a lot over the years. Then I read books such as Double Your Dating by David DeAngelo, and The Mystery Method by Mystery and started practicing what the books talked about and I started doing a lot better, and got mostly sex, because it was easier to get casual sex then dates. But I never even got sex before reading the books either. I also got dates and a few relationships over the years so far as well.

So I wonder, is a lot of emphasis still looks or is it mostly about game therefore, based on my experience at least, if you can go from zero decent based on game practice alone?