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ScroogeMcDuck666
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21 May 2022, 3:32 am

I felt a lot of hatred towards my ex when she broke up with me. She didn't do anything wrong, we just saw things differently in ways that made up incompatible. I'm pretty sure I felt hatred because I was extremely upset over the breakup. For the first few days I felt like she had done something wrong, but when I realized I was mistaken, I still felt a lot of hatred for a while off and on. I said a lot of hateful things, too. It's been 9 months and I still get a little angry sometimes over it. I also couldn't really understand the pain our relationship was causing her. I didn't feel empathy towards her or anybody else. I think because I was in too much pain to be capable of focusing on anything else. What does this indicate? Does this suggest the love I felt towards her was tainted in some way?



Mountain Goat
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21 May 2022, 3:47 am

It can be natural and you need time. Put it into your mind to forgive her and forgive yourself as well.

Think along the lines of "It did not work. I would not have known this unless I had tried dating her. Lets find someone that it can work with".

If you can think like that you can move on and avoid the hurts of the past. I think you were hurt because you did not expect it?



ScroogeMcDuck666
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21 May 2022, 4:15 am

There's nothing to forgive. She didn't do anything wrong. I didn't expect it at all. I was incredulous for a while after it happened, but I don't think that's why I was so hurt. I think I got so upset because I developed an unhealthy level of attachment towards her, which I now realize is unavoidable for me and would be my preference anyway.



klanka
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21 May 2022, 5:42 am

yeah its normal. I've felt hatred towards my ex but it goes away



nick007
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21 May 2022, 7:53 am

I hated both my exes for a bit after our breakups. We were incompatible in some ways & there were some circumstances that woulda forced us to be mostly long-distance for a long time & I had a very hard time dealing with it due to sever anxiety & sever OCD. It was easier for me to blame & hate my exes than myself for my horrible behavior. I have enough various issues & problems & blaming & hating myself even more then might woulda led to me committing suicide. I tried working on myself in various ways after the breakups & I started anxiety & OCD medication shortly before my 2nd ex broke up with me cuz I realized that was causing some of the problems. I didn't fully forgive them till I got in my current relationship which was not long after my 2nd breakup. Now I cant forgive myself for hurting them but I know I cant change the past so the best I can reasonably do is try to avoid repeat screwups in my current relationship & use my experience to hopefully help others by relating & posting about it. However my current girlfriend is a different person & some of the things that were major problems in my previous relationships are actually good things in this one but I still try to watch & retrain that problematic behavior even thou things might be better if I didn't. Both of us are very far from perfect & neither of us expects perfection so I should try to relax more.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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21 May 2022, 9:13 am

When I feel extreme emotion, I remind myself that


"thin line between love and hate"



ScroogeMcDuck666
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21 May 2022, 11:21 am

nick007 wrote:
Now I cant forgive myself for hurting them but I know I cant change the past so the best I can reasonably do is try to avoid repeat screwups


I feel pretty terrible for hurting her so badly. I loved her more than I've ever loved anything and I possibly hurt her worse than anyone has before. I have a bunch of notes I could go over and I could try to remember the regret I feel over lashing out at her to try to motivate myself not to repeat that mistake if I found myself in a similar situation in the future, but I'm not sure whether could avoid saying hateful things at the end. I know I'll feel them and maybe I could keep them to myself, but I don't know. I think part of the problem is feeling like it isn't over makes it difficult to start to accept the situation. Once I realized there was nothing left to salvage or destroy, it was easier for me to leave.

nick007 wrote:
Both of us are very far from perfect & neither of us expects perfection so I should try to relax more.


I think my ex and I may have expected too much from each other. It felt like a Disney fairy tale at first and it was very difficult to accept it wasn't when it started to get problematic. We both felt urges to destroy it at that point.



ScroogeMcDuck666
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21 May 2022, 11:31 am

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
When I feel extreme emotion, I remind myself that


"thin line between love and hate"


I've thought about that and it may apply here, but I'm not sure how true it is. Would a parent hate their child for rejecting their love? Some would, but some wouldn't. What's the difference between these two types of parents? Does one of these parents feel a purer form of love towards their child? If seems like not requiring the love to be returned is a purer form of it. I think there are many forms of romantic love, not just many levels of it. Some love is mostly based on money and/or lust. Some is more based on shared understanding and trust. Maybe our love was mostly pure. It was based on feeling like we understood and trusted each other, but it was a little tainted by my dependency on her and possibly other things as well.