How much to give up in a relationship?

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r00tb33r
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09 May 2022, 4:14 pm

Sure, there will be some sacrifices, but which sacrifices are reasonable?

How do you feel about giving up something per demand by your partner, when your partner is not able to provide you a reason that you are able to find rational?

Do you feel partners should (mostly) add to each other's lives, not take away?


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09 May 2022, 4:28 pm

I think they should be able to come up with a reason



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09 May 2022, 4:30 pm

If you or your partner is making demands instead of requests, then maybe you need a different partner.



aspiemike
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09 May 2022, 4:44 pm

If you have children, It is expected that a reasonable degree of sacrifice will occur. Just don't make complete sacrifices on the things you enjoy doing that bring you peace and calm. Sacrificing too much on physical fitness and mental well-being can definitely take its toll on both partners.


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IsabellaLinton
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09 May 2022, 5:23 pm

Demands? Never

Accommodations and sacrifice - If it's consensual and not patronising. There's nothing worse than a person who does things for the other out of obligation and ends up harbouring spite or resentment.

I wouldn't say 50-50.
Relationships need to be 100-100, and without the resentment factor. ^


Add or take away -- Ideally, a relationship is concurrent. You both lead your own lives and you are complete on your own. You aren't "adding" anything per se, other than you like being together. Taking away? No -- maybe "giving away" if one person chooses to give something away voluntarily (moving, leaving work to raise children), but that's not the same as "taking away". Taking away sounds like it's being imposed.



nick007
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09 May 2022, 7:35 pm

When you say demands, Do you mean ultimatums :?: I'm not a fan of ultimatums in general but there are some situations where they are necessary like if the partner is being very abusive or involved in some dangerous & risky behavior(like stealing, compulsive gambling, hardcore drug addiction, getting drunk & driving). The person giving the ultimatum has to be prepared to walk away if their partner doesn't comply. People tend to quit falling for empty threats after a couple times & will not take them seriously.

I believe relationships generally require a willingness from both partners to find a compromise. Sometimes they can both kinda meet in the middle with something but other times that is not always possible & one person gets their way in some situations & their partner gets their way in others. Sometimes people can have major problems handling certain things or majorly need certain things that others may not always agree with or understand. In those situations it's important for their partner to at least recognize that it's very important to the other & should try to comply if it won't be a humongous hassle for them. People these days tend to expect relationships to be easy & are very quick to jump ship as soon as a major problem develops instead of trying to tackle the problems together as a couple.

In some ways I gave up alot for my current girlfriend & have made some major changes for her but she has also given up alot for me in some ways & has made some major changes for me. People tend to change some as time goes on & they face various situations & gain various experiences. What's important is that we are both willing to face these changes together with each others support. Me & Cass have had some horrible fights & arguments but she commented today that they happen alot less often than they used to. Cass used to complain aLOT about me to her family but she seldom complains about me these days because she feels she has nothing to complain about me. I'm EXTREMELY FAR from perfect & have waaay more than my fair share of faults, issues, & problems & always will but Cass realizes the effort I've put in to try a be a better boyfriend & caregiver to her & she realizes & accepts that I will never be perfect. I don't really care about what I've given up, I may have been majorly bothered at the time but I see what I've gained & that's what I do NOT want to lose. I do not expect her to be perfect but I want to support her & help her be happier & feel better about herself. I'm just kinda lost as to how to do it. I often feel I'm just doing nothing or playing a guessing game but she believes I'm very supportive so I must be doing something right. Sometimes just being by the person's side & them knowing that you have their back can be a major help to em.


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10 May 2022, 9:10 am

An elderly married couple were being feted on the occasion of their sixty-fifth wedding anniversary.

Of course, the MC asked the couple what was the secret for such a long and successful marriage.

The husband replied, "On our wedding night, we made an agreement. If there were ever any small disagreements between us, she would decide them. If there were any big disagreements between us, I would decide them."

"And in sixty-five years of marriage we have never had a big disagreement."



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10 May 2022, 9:17 am

nick007 wrote:
When you say demands, Do you mean ultimatums?  I'm not a fan of ultimatums in general . . .
Neither am I.  In fact, I have found that when given a "My Way or The Highway" form of ultimatum, the better option is always "The Highway".  Otherwise, the person issuing the ultimatum will use the same form to get their way over and over again.



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12 May 2022, 1:13 am

If you feel like you are giving up things for the other person, that is not a good sign.

Resentment can build and eventually boil over.

I think that when a person "sacrifices " for the other, they don't feel like they are giving up anything, and the greater good for their partner is well worth it (in their mind and feelings).

Basically how do you feel about the things you give for your partner? Do you feel like those things are being taken away by force? Or is it like a joyful outpouring of your affection for the other person?

I think how the person views it and feels about it is the most important element to determining if it's healthy or not.


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12 May 2022, 6:49 am

To give any sort of answer, I'd need to know what the person is being asked to give up. I can see being asked to give up alcohol, but being asked to give up one's religion or family would probably be a deal breaker for most people. For some reason I can't help thinking of a non-American asking their American partner to give up their guns -- that would be a whole other discussion.


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kraftiekortie
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12 May 2022, 7:26 am

There are times when I feel like I've "given up" too much.

This does lead to resentment, certainly.



shortfatbalduglyman
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12 May 2022, 10:21 am

What is "reasonable" is subjective

"Logic could be used to justify anything"



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12 May 2022, 10:48 am

Fnord wrote:
If you or your partner is making demands instead of requests, then maybe you need a different partner.
Correction: If you or your partner is making demands instead of requests, then maybe you BOTH need a different partner.



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12 May 2022, 10:53 am

I second Isabella's response. She expresses it well.

Demands and ultimatums are not to be used except in cases of addiction, abuse, or danger to children.


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r00tb33r
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12 May 2022, 4:11 pm

Fnord wrote:
If you or your partner is making demands instead of requests, then maybe you need a different partner.

nick007 wrote:
Do you mean ultimatums :?:

I've been told by moderation to tread lightly so I'll speak in as general terms as possible.

I'm not sure that many affectionate relationships would have such firm resolve as ultimatums.

It's more like your partner sulks for days, clearly showing you that something is wrong, they will beat you up emotionally until you give in to whatever they don't like. Emotional extortion. Works every time.


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that1weirdgrrrl
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12 May 2022, 5:06 pm

The person sulking is doing so because they dont feel good about their side of things. I'm going to say whether they are intentionally sulking or not is irrelevant. The bottom line is that they don't feel good about it.

This person should take some time to think about why they feel bad and what might make them feel better. (Not focusing the big main topic of contention, but on smaller more accessible things).

The person making the request should try to do what they can to help the other person feel more (whatever it is they are craving) - more secure, more loved, more safe, etc.....

These sorts of things usually come down to a sort of insecurity at their roots. So figuring out a way to reassure the particular insecurity can really help.

I genuinely wish you all the best.

If you have access to it, I highly recommend SARK's "wild succulent love" - she talks a lot about getting to the core of issues to resolve them


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