Maybe I should go ahead and date non-whites

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QFT
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06 Oct 2022, 3:36 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
You need a relationship to feel validated?
Validated at what?


Validated at the fact that

--- I have the same feelings as other people that others actually acknowledge (and I feel neglected as friend too)

--- That I am good enough to reproduce, as most others do

--- That I can enjoy things other people enjoy

--- That someone can actually love me

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Aren't you validated as a single person?


I might be validated as gifted in math or physics (given my current career going off the rail I am not validated even there, but that is a different topic). But a human being is more than just a robot who does math and physics. I would like to also be validated as someone who can love and be loved.

Don't get me wrong, physics is important too. So I want to separately be validated in career AND in relatinoships. If I am validated in only one of these two areas and not the other, I feel like a loser. And since I am currently failing in both of them, I feel like a doubly-loser.

IsabellaLinton wrote:
If my partner wanted me to validate him, I'd run.


Thats what a lot of people are saying, but I don't see why. To me it seems cruel to dump someone who gets hurt by dumping the most.

I realized it is not your obligation to do things for others. But why are you assuming that that person can't treat you right? Is it because you are saying "since he needs you for validation, that means he doesn't need you for love"? But why can't it be both purposes at once?

Let me give you an example. Back in 2006, I been running around a department asking for thesis advisor "so that I don't get expelled" (and by the way I didn't get expelled since one retired professor was nice enough to take me on; but if it wasn't for him, I would have been). Now, by your logic, the statement "please give me a project so that I don't get expelled" it sounds like I am not intereted in physics. But I am. After all, once the expulsion was no longer an issue, I was quite interested in projects I was doing. It is just that back when it was an issue that was all I could think about.

Well, with women same thing. Just because I want a woman for validation, it doesn't mean I won't have other kinds of interest in a woman, once I get validated. The idea is that I have to first make sure I am not expelled (career) and I am validated (women) and after that I can express my interest in physics projects (career) and take pleasure in various activities (women). Do you see the point? First get the drama out of the way, and then enjoy life afterwords.

IsabellaLinton wrote:

imo, that shouldn't be anyone's job but your own.


Thats the other thing I don't get. People keep saying I should be happy with myself, but I don't see how that is possible. Now, if I do figure out some super-genious way of being happy with myself, it sure would be A LOT more difficult than be happy with others. Yet people say "you can't be happy with others until you are happy with yourself". Its like saying "you can't lift 5 kilograms until you lift 50 kilograms". It just makes no sense. If they think I am so super-genious that I can figure out a paradox of being happy with myself by myself, why are they also assuming I am so stupid that I can't do a really simple task of being happy when I am with others?

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I think relationships are about enjoying time together.
I don't think they're about the other person "validating" them.


How about they are both? It doesn't have to be one or the other. It is a combination of both.

I focus more on one rather than the other since I focus on the one where there is crisis. But once the crisis is out of the way, I would appreciate the other part too.



QFT
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06 Oct 2022, 3:41 am

magz wrote:
QFT wrote:
--- When I complain about not having friends people assume I actually mean friends

And I always interpreted you as super-literal... You don't want friends?


I do want friends. But I want relationship too. So when I complain I mean to complain about both of those things. But I am too shy to complain about relationships and only mention friends. And then people respond as if friends is the only thing I have in mind: for example they might suggest some male friends as a solution to my problem.

magz wrote:
So what exactly do you want?


A woman to be in a relationship with, and a circle of friends in addition to this.

magz wrote:
Do you have a cat?


No. I used to, back in Russia.

By the way, back when I had girlfriends, I used to compare them to cats, in order to tell them how much I like snuggling with them. I found it funny because to a lot of other people, it sounds like I am "reducing" them to an animal. But to me its a highest form of compliment, since cats are a lot softer than humans.

This also illustrates the point I was making. Comparing a woman to a cat has nothing to do with self-validation. So that is an example of my actually enjoying a relationship (although in a rather odd way). Yet the reason I was with her on the first place was self validation. So the two separate things can co-exist.

But back to your question. Getting a cat won't validate me. I need a girlfriend for that. But once I have a girlfriend, I can compare her to a cat in order to enhance other aspects of the experience.



magz
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06 Oct 2022, 3:51 am

Get a new cat.
Completely independently from all the friend and girlfriend struggle.
Furry creatures help with mental health and if you're compatibile with cats, it will improve your life in a different dimension - contributting to things getting better overall.


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QFT
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06 Oct 2022, 3:54 am

magz wrote:
Get a new cat.
Completely independently from all the friend and girlfriend struggle.
Furry creatures help with mental health and if you're compatibile with cats, it will improve your life in a different dimension - contributting to things getting better overall.


The landlord that I had last August had a cat. I enjoyed cuddling with that cat very much. But this didn't alleviate my frustration with singleness at all. I was just as frustrated as always.



r00tb33r
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06 Oct 2022, 4:02 am

QFT wrote:
magz wrote:
Get a new cat.
Completely independently from all the friend and girlfriend struggle.
Furry creatures help with mental health and if you're compatibile with cats, it will improve your life in a different dimension - contributting to things getting better overall.


The landlord that I had last August had a cat. I enjoyed cuddling with that cat very much. But this didn't alleviate my frustration with singleness at all. I was just as frustrated as always.


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magz
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06 Oct 2022, 4:07 am

QFT wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
If my partner wanted me to validate him, I'd run.
Thats what a lot of people are saying, but I don't see why. To me it seems cruel to dump someone who gets hurt by dumping the most.
It's for the same reason why people with savings avoid marrying indebted compulsive spenders, even if these are in most need for money.
You may not realize it but emotional validation is a finite resource. No one is capable of giving it all the time. And no one wants to get permanently depleted living with an emotional black hole.


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Where_am_I
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06 Oct 2022, 5:55 am

I think you should only see non white women as a dating option if/when you start viewing them as equals.


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Benjamin the Donkey
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06 Oct 2022, 6:52 am

Where_am_I wrote:
I think you should only see non white women as a dating option if/when you start viewing them as equals.

Exactly. I pity any non-white woman who dates you, not realizing you're "settling" for her because of her race.


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QFT
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06 Oct 2022, 7:04 am

magz wrote:
QFT wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
If my partner wanted me to validate him, I'd run.
Thats what a lot of people are saying, but I don't see why. To me it seems cruel to dump someone who gets hurt by dumping the most.
It's for the same reason why people with savings avoid marrying indebted compulsive spenders, even if these are in most need for money.
You may not realize it but emotional validation is a finite resource. No one is capable of giving it all the time. And no one wants to get permanently depleted living with an emotional black hole.


Thats an interesting analogy. To continue the analogy further, what "bad habbit" are you referring to that would make me a "black hole" in an emotional sense? Are you saying that

(i) Nothing is ever enough for me. So if I had 10 friends I would be complaining why don't I have 100 friends

(ii) I am wasting away what I have. As in, if I have friends, I would turn them all into enemies by my bad social skills, and then I would need new friends

If you are referring to (i), you don't really know it. Just like you don't know that someone that is bad with money is greedy. Maybe they aren't so greedy. Maybe they are just having "normal" reaction to bad situation -- and the only "abnormal" thing is they put themselves into that situation on the first place.

If you are referring to (ii), then isn't having bad social skills what Asperger is all about? And maybe someone with Asperger will learn better social skills if only they were given a chance -- and dating someone is a way of giving them that chance.



Where_am_I
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06 Oct 2022, 7:22 am

Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Where_am_I wrote:
I think you should only see non white women as a dating option if/when you start viewing them as equals.

Exactly. I pity any non-white woman who dates you, not realizing you're "settling" for her because of her race.

The OP doesn't seem to care.

This isn't the first time he's made a thread like this. I've advised him in the past to hook up with Priti Patel - a person of colour with similar views to him would be a perfect match.


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QFT
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06 Oct 2022, 7:25 am

Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Where_am_I wrote:
I think you should only see non white women as a dating option if/when you start viewing them as equals.

Exactly. I pity any non-white woman who dates you, not realizing you're "settling" for her because of her race.


Well, I was already settling. Not for race -- yet -- but for things like really bad health, being on disability, complete lack of education, etc. Thats why I said in OP, "if I am settling anyway, why not settle for race"

Now, if we talk about the phenomenon of settling in general terms, then your advice seems to be "look at everyone as equals, then you won't have to settle". But that is not a realistic advice: everyone has their priority on whom they date. If people were to "see everyone as equal", then they won't be rejecting me all the time would they, and the problem would just solve itself.

What separates me from others is not that I am more judgemental, but rather that I have less options. Others are judgemental too, but they have enough social skills to date the kind of people that are on the top of their dating criteria. In my case I don't have such social skills, so I have to settle.

And I would speculate that the women I was dating were probably settling too. How else would you explain that most of them were obese and a lot of them were sickly? The only logical explanation seems to be that they didn't have any other options so they were settling on me.

But an important counter-argument is that I don't actually "know" they were settling. I am speculating. If I dated someone for a week, then speculation is fair enough. But seeing that I had girlfriends that lasted for months and even years, then speculating like that would seem ridiculous and unfair towards them. I should be relying on my knowledge of them as people, rather than "statistical speculation".

But then again, if none of them were settling, then it seems like a remarkable coincidence that most of them were overweight and a lot were very sickly. So perhaps one or two of them were genuine, but most weren't.

Maybe they "were" in fact "clever about it" enough so as to cover it for however long our relationship lasted? After all, how else would you explain the statistics that is in front of me? Maybe thats what separates NT from an aspie that NT knows how to lie. And so NT can be judgemental, can settle, etc. They just know not to *say* it. But as an aspie, I say everything I think (as they say, "what you see is what you get") and thats why everyone gets mad at me.



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06 Oct 2022, 7:46 am

QFT I wonder if you understand the concept of love?

I think if you don't love a woman due to innate preferences then it would not be fair on her. I don't think you could sustain a relationship if it's built on "dating down" which is what this thread is about. I think in some ways this is the saddest thread you have created.

I think rather than just dropping a parameter you need to reflect a little deeper on your life choices and whether decisions you made in the past might be conditioned.

I do know a school teacher who only wanted to date white women in his 20s and 30s. He also struggled to get relationships. He was not able to get a date very frequently and by the time he hit 40 he realised he missed the boat.

Fortunately for him his church had a number of filipino ladies and he decided to take up an offer to attend their functions on weekends, It opened his eyes so he travelled to the Phillipines and started to learn the culture and picked up Tagalog (the national language). He made a concerted effort to learn the culture and the people in his church reciprocated back by making him one of their community. He met and married a lady from their community and had two children. He found it easy to love her because he once he saw past his own biases and learned her culture/language/food he began to become acculturated. He is so in love now he really doesn't know why he didn't take this step earlier. I should know, his story is very much my story (although there are differences and but I travelled and learned .

This of course won't work for everybody (yes I am a realist) but you need to make an effort to meet somebody half way. if you want to date women from a non-white background make an effort to learn about her, her culture, build bridges and make some sort of effort to find love. Please don't go down the route of mail-order brides as that's playing Russian roulette with your life and hers.



QFT
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06 Oct 2022, 8:04 am

cyberdad wrote:
QFT I wonder if you understand the concept of love?


I do. Thats why its sad I have to settle.

cyberdad wrote:
I think if you don't love a woman due to innate preferences then it would not be fair on her. I don't think you could sustain a relationship if it's built on "dating down" which is what this thread is about.


Its interesting that you are the one who says this, give that in other threads you were actually encouraging me to look for non-white women.

cyberdad wrote:
It opened his eyes so he travelled to the Phillipines and started to learn the culture and picked up Tagalog (the national language)


I have nothing against learning culture. If anything, I am curious person and I like learning.

What stops me from dating non-whites is mainly pride, as in it would look bad. But learning culture doesn't look bad: on the contrary it makes me look smart.

Learning language is different: I am lazy and don't like to memorize. And its not about race: I wouldn't want to learn French or German either. But if I can learn the culture while opt out of learning language, that would be okay.

cyberdad wrote:
Please don't go down the route of mail-order brides as that's playing Russian roulette with your life and hers.


Again, it is interesting you say it, given that you pretty much suggested mail order brides in one of the other threads.

But, no, I don't consider mail order brides as an option. Part of the problem is that mod had deletted 2/3 of my OP (see mod comment below OP). So in the part they have deletted, I mentioned that I am referring to Asian Americans and not foreign Asians that are looking for the visas.



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06 Oct 2022, 8:11 am

I am not stopping you from pursuing Asian-Americans, but for some years you threw cold water on the idea of marrying a non0white person? just make sure this is a gradual process and not an overnight snap decision,

Happy hunting



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06 Oct 2022, 8:24 am

You actually communicate very well. I don't think you miscommunicate with women. I think women perfectly well understand what you are saying to them.



magz
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06 Oct 2022, 8:44 am

QFT wrote:
magz wrote:
QFT wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
If my partner wanted me to validate him, I'd run.
Thats what a lot of people are saying, but I don't see why. To me it seems cruel to dump someone who gets hurt by dumping the most.
It's for the same reason why people with savings avoid marrying indebted compulsive spenders, even if these are in most need for money.
You may not realize it but emotional validation is a finite resource. No one is capable of giving it all the time. And no one wants to get permanently depleted living with an emotional black hole.


Thats an interesting analogy. To continue the analogy further, what "bad habbit" are you referring to that would make me a "black hole" in an emotional sense? Are you saying that

(i) Nothing is ever enough for me. So if I had 10 friends I would be complaining why don't I have 100 friends

(ii) I am wasting away what I have. As in, if I have friends, I would turn them all into enemies by my bad social skills, and then I would need new friends

If you are referring to (i), you don't really know it. Just like you don't know that someone that is bad with money is greedy. Maybe they aren't so greedy. Maybe they are just having "normal" reaction to bad situation -- and the only "abnormal" thing is they put themselves into that situation on the first place.

If you are referring to (ii), then isn't having bad social skills what Asperger is all about? And maybe someone with Asperger will learn better social skills if only they were given a chance -- and dating someone is a way of giving them that chance.
I refer to your need to be constantly validated by others. This is your "black hole" feature.
It's exhausting to be with someone without an ability to be happy just for being themself.


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