Why many women dislike socially awkward men

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hurtloam
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08 Oct 2022, 3:50 pm

Muse933277 wrote:
Men are judged for their social competence much more than women are in the dating marketplace.


Are you trying to get this thread locked? I've just seen one has been locked for us Vs them attitudes.

Also, women aren't typically as forgiving of social misunderstandings/blunders, so one wrong move can easily put men into the creepy or undateable territory.

So for this reason, this is why straight autistic men are often at a disadvantage when it comes to dating.

Women don't have to worry about being seen as "creepy" as much, so they can get away with more, hence autistic women don't have the social skills disadvantage to the extent that men have. For example, I knew an autistic woman who would go to bars, flash guys, and make out with random guys quite easily, and guys would love it.[/quote]

But that's not acceptable behaviour if you're looking for something substantial with a decent guy.



kraftiekortie
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08 Oct 2022, 4:06 pm

In my experience, street fights are quite rare….unless it’s between a couple of drunk/high people in clubs and bars.

If someone gets arrested for fighting, they tend to lose their jobs. Most people aren’t that stupid.



CockneyRebel
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08 Oct 2022, 4:45 pm

Why do so many men dislike socially awkward women?


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QFT
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08 Oct 2022, 4:48 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
Why do so many men dislike socially awkward women?


I don't. In my case, if the girl is quiet and shy, I am usually attracted to her.



Raleigh
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08 Oct 2022, 4:48 pm

Dating a socially awkward person makes life harder for the other person in the relationship
And generally people want an easy life.
Two socially awkward people in a relationship is even worse
You have to keep picking up the other person's slack and you lose out on building friendhips because your partner has unknowingly made some social gaff and has alienated people before you can even get acquainted.
Or worse, they've offended your friends or family with some offhand remark.
Its exhausting.


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QFT
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08 Oct 2022, 4:52 pm

Raleigh wrote:
Dating a socially awkward person makes life harder for the other person in the relationship
And generally people want an easy life.
Two socially awkward people in a relationship is even worse
You have to keep picking up the other person's slack and you lose out on building friendhips because your partner has unknowingly made some social gaff and has alienated people before you can even get acquainted.
Or worse, they've offended your friends or family with some offhand remark.
Its exhausting.


Sure. But then the question is: what is socially awkward person is supposed to do? The advice I am often given is "don't worry about what others think, focus on yourself, etc". Well, then why don't they want to date me and when I push away some of their friends -- follow that same advice they are giving me? I am sure the social hardship of dating someone socially awkward is only 10% of the hardship of being the awkward oneself. So they don't want to deal with 10% of it, yet they are leaving me to deal with all 100% of it.



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08 Oct 2022, 4:59 pm

QFT wrote:
Raleigh wrote:
Dating a socially awkward person makes life harder for the other person in the relationship
And generally people want an easy life.
Two socially awkward people in a relationship is even worse
You have to keep picking up the other person's slack and you lose out on building friendhips because your partner has unknowingly made some social gaff and has alienated people before you can even get acquainted.
Or worse, they've offended your friends or family with some offhand remark.
Its exhausting.


Sure. But then the question is: what is socially awkward person is supposed to do? The advice I am often given is "don't worry about what others think, focus on yourself, etc". Well, then why don't they want to date me and when I push away some of their friends -- follow that same advice they are giving me? I am sure the social hardship of dating someone socially awkward is only 10% of the hardship of being the awkward oneself. So they don't want to deal with 10% of it, yet they are leaving me to deal with all 100% of it.

My relationship is one where both of us are socially awkward, so this is from that perspective.
Don't expect an easy time of it.
Things won't be fair and you will have to deal with that.


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08 Oct 2022, 5:03 pm

hurtloam wrote:
We make people uncomfortable. Most folks don't enjoy schadenfreude and it's painful for them to watch us car crash socially.


But by "not watching us", we won't be "car-crashing" any less. In fact, more so.

So if it is painful for them to watch us "car-crash" while still given a chance, why isn't it all the more painful to watch us being totally isolated and not been given a chance?



Raleigh
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08 Oct 2022, 5:07 pm

QFT wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
We make people uncomfortable. Most folks don't enjoy schadenfreude and it's painful for them to watch us car crash socially.


But by "not watching us", we won't be "car-crashing" any less. In fact, more so.

So if it is painful for them to watch us "car-crash" while still given a chance, why isn't it all the more painful to watch us being totally isolated and not been given a chance?

We do nothing to lift their social status so we're not worth the effort.


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08 Oct 2022, 5:08 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:
When I was in high school, a classmate I was interested in flat-out told me it would be bad for her reputation if she dated me.


Well, that is the *exact* reason I *do* want to date: to improve my reputaiton. If it wasn't a reflection on reputation, I would have likely preferred to focus on physics anyway, and put off the prospect of having kids till later (much like I put everything else till later). But because it reflects my reputation, thats why I am so desperate to get a girfriend.

Now, this being the case, don't you think its ridiculous that people don't date me for the exact reason for which I do want to date? They are worried about THEIR reputation. So why can't they empathize with my concern about MY reputation?! Look at how much MORE my reputation suffers by being single, than their would suffer by dating someone socially awkward?

Yet their response to me is "don't worry about your repuation, focus on actually enjoying life". Well, they clearly worry about THEIR reputation. So why is it they should worry about their repuation, yet I shouldn't worry about my reputation?!



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08 Oct 2022, 5:10 pm

Raleigh wrote:
QFT wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
We make people uncomfortable. Most folks don't enjoy schadenfreude and it's painful for them to watch us car crash socially.


But by "not watching us", we won't be "car-crashing" any less. In fact, more so.

So if it is painful for them to watch us "car-crash" while still given a chance, why isn't it all the more painful to watch us being totally isolated and not been given a chance?

We do nothing to lift their social status so we're not worth the effort.


But they could have lifted my social status. And then who knows, maybe eventually I would have been able to lift theirs back. Are they assuming I would never learn no matter how much they lift my status? How do they know it until I try? And then what would be their advice for me? To learn it by myself: "be happy as single before looking for a partner". But why are they saying I am smart enough to figure it out myself, yet not smart enough to do it with their help?



Raleigh
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08 Oct 2022, 5:16 pm

QFT wrote:
Raleigh wrote:
QFT wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
We make people uncomfortable. Most folks don't enjoy schadenfreude and it's painful for them to watch us car crash socially.


But by "not watching us", we won't be "car-crashing" any less. In fact, more so.

So if it is painful for them to watch us "car-crash" while still given a chance, why isn't it all the more painful to watch us being totally isolated and not been given a chance?

We do nothing to lift their social status so we're not worth the effort.


But they could have lifted my social status. And then who knows, maybe eventually I would have been able to lift theirs back. Are they assuming I would never learn no matter how much they lift my status? How do they know it until I try? And then what would be their advice for me? To learn it by myself: "be happy as single before looking for a partner". But why are they saying I am smart enough to figure it out myself, yet not smart enough to do it with their help?

Are you serious?
No one is interested in lifting your social status.
Thats not how it works. :lol:
You have to have social status now, not maybe have it in the future.
If you do have social status in the future, well then you might be worthy.


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SkinnyElephant
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08 Oct 2022, 5:21 pm

Muse933277 wrote:
Autistic men who aren't particularly attractive and come off as socially awkward have a few options if they want to date.


1. This doesn't apply to everyone but if it's possible for you to looksmaxx your way to an 8+, this is highly recommended, but it really depends on why you're less attractive and whether or not it's fixable. A 6 ft tall, broad shouldered man with a decent looking face, but is 60 pounds overweight, has a lot more potential to become good looking compared to a short, balding, facially unattractive man who will always be held back by his height and face. The better looking you are, the easier it will be to find a partner and the higher percentage of people who are willing to date you, so there is definitely a benefit of trying to look your best.

2. Attempt to date other autistic women on the spectrum who are much more likely to be aware of your challenges. However, this doesn't work for all men due to the fact that autistic women are much less common, there's no guarantee you two would even be compatible, and autistic women are less likely to struggle with dating hence they may already be taken.

3. Accept the fact that you're probably not going to date a good looking high quality woman and instead go for women who are not very attractive themselves. This likely means going for a highly obese woman who doesn't have a lot of options.

4. Consider looking into either getting a mail order bride, or going to a country where it is known that dating is a lot easier. I'm talking about going to a country in SE Asia such as Thailand, Vietnam, or The Philippines to find a girlfriend, wife, or even just a hookup. This is a niche option, even for the autistic population, but it can be quite effective for some people. I'm not going to deny that many women are dating you for the benefit of moving to a better country BUT you would be surprised that many of these relationships last for years and decades, even after they have moved to your country. If you find the right one, who also likes you as a person and is mature enough to handle it, then it can work.


I haven't always been an 8. I looks-maxxed myself to an 8. For me, the looks-maxxing is as simple as a different hairstyle/different clothing.



SkinnyElephant
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08 Oct 2022, 5:48 pm

QFT wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
When I was in high school, a classmate I was interested in flat-out told me it would be bad for her reputation if she dated me.


Well, that is the *exact* reason I *do* want to date: to improve my reputaiton. If it wasn't a reflection on reputation, I would have likely preferred to focus on physics anyway, and put off the prospect of having kids till later (much like I put everything else till later). But because it reflects my reputation, thats why I am so desperate to get a girfriend.

Now, this being the case, don't you think its ridiculous that people don't date me for the exact reason for which I do want to date? They are worried about THEIR reputation. So why can't they empathize with my concern about MY reputation?! Look at how much MORE my reputation suffers by being single, than their would suffer by dating someone socially awkward?

Yet their response to me is "don't worry about your repuation, focus on actually enjoying life". Well, they clearly worry about THEIR reputation. So why is it they should worry about their repuation, yet I shouldn't worry about my reputation?!


I see what you're saying. As an adult, dating a socially awkward partner doesn't do as much damage to your reputation. When you're in high school, however, a cool kid can't date a socially awkward classmate. They just can't (I'm not saying this is morally right; all I'm saying is: This is how it is)



SkinnyElephant
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08 Oct 2022, 5:52 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
In my experience, street fights are quite rare….unless it’s between a couple of drunk/high people in clubs and bars.

If someone gets arrested for fighting, they tend to lose their jobs. Most people aren’t that stupid.


If you went around making the most offensive comments possible to every muscular man you see, don't you think you'd get clocked? Even if he has a job?

I know it's irrational to risk a job loss just because someone offended you. But some people have a low emotional maturity (and turn into total animals over an insult)



SkinnyElephant
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08 Oct 2022, 6:02 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Muse933277 wrote:
Men are judged for their social competence much more than women are in the dating marketplace.


Are you trying to get this thread locked? I've just seen one has been locked for us Vs them attitudes.

Also, women aren't typically as forgiving of social misunderstandings/blunders, so one wrong move can easily put men into the creepy or undateable territory.

So for this reason, this is why straight autistic men are often at a disadvantage when it comes to dating.

Women don't have to worry about being seen as "creepy" as much, so they can get away with more, hence autistic women don't have the social skills disadvantage to the extent that men have. For example, I knew an autistic woman who would go to bars, flash guys, and make out with random guys quite easily, and guys would love it.


Quote:
But that's not acceptable behaviour if you're looking for something substantial with a decent guy.


I know the thread you're talking about that got locked (I started it). IMO, that thread turned into a total misunderstanding. I never said (or implied) one gender has it better or worse when it comes to dating. All I was saying was each gender is impacted differently when it comes to dating struggles. Being a guy, I can speak more about how guys are impacted.

It's hard to discuss the topic of dating (especially on the spectrum) without gender differences coming up.

As for your claim that a woman couldn't find a serious relationship by flashing/making out at a bar, you're right. But a woman can at least get away with acting like that. A man couldn't.

Besides, maybe the woman in question doesn't want a serious relationship.