Where do you struggle with dating?

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Bataar
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03 Dec 2022, 3:54 pm

I imagine we all have different areas that we struggle with. Perhaps some just don't know how to or dislike having to interact with strangers. Maybe some are just very socially awkward. There are lots of options. My struggle is just in meeting people. Even before I was diagnosed with Aspergers, my hobbies and interests did not faciliate meeting women, specifically single women. Currently, I enjoy going to a cigar/pipe lounge on winter evenings. Lots of nice guys (mostly married) there and occasionally someone will bring their wife or girlfriend with them, but there are no single women.

I'm also a fan of board/card gaming. I used to be a pretty hardcore player of Magic: the Gathering, but have transitioned more into board games. Guess what, that's not a viable way to meet single women. Lots of women play and enjoy gaming, but they're not single. They come with their husbands or boyfriends and really enjoy the hobby, but not single.

I also really enjoy fishing. I meet lots of nice and attractive women while fishing, believe it or not, but none of them are single. I've taken classes for bonsai trees, photography, cooking, etc and same problem. Lots of guys show up and a few wives and girlfriends, but no single women.



Mountain Goat
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03 Dec 2022, 5:02 pm

Shyness and I do not always pick up on hints!



old_comedywriter
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03 Dec 2022, 5:12 pm

Bataar wrote:
Where do you struggle with dating?

Everywhere.


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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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05 Dec 2022, 12:49 pm

Maybe a more athletic activity?

Such as a hiking or running club.

And believe it or not, pickleball has been a thing here in Houston, Texas for some time now [at least my part of Houston!]. :D



nick007
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05 Dec 2022, 2:22 pm

I struggle in LOTS of areas with dating & relationships but I think my most limiting factor is not being independent due to being disabled. I could of compensated or worked around my other issues if I would of had a bit of money & my own place. I would of pursued the mail-order bride route or taken in a woman who needed a place to stay if I had those options instead of being single & looking for 8 years straight without so much as a single date :(

Another somewhat major factor for me is not fitting in with the area I lived in. I cant drive due to being extremely nearsighted & where my parents live had no public transportation system & nothing within a decent walking distance. It was also the bible-belt, very hard-core conservative, & outdoor activities are very popular. I'm a Secular Humanist, kinda progressive partly due to being disabled & the area majorly looks down on disableds as being lazy moochers, & I never been into outdoor activities partly due to my disabilities.

This seems counter intuitive but the way I act within a romantic relationship is kinda opposite of the stereotypical Aspie guy but I still have the typical Aspie guy weaknesses. I love spending a lot of time with my romantic partner & I like women who are needy, clingy & are dealing with various issues. I like being supportive of my romantic partner when I can but I do not go about it the typical NT way. I'm much more direct, straightforward, analytical, & logical about it. I can come off as rude, offensive, mean, callous, hateful, & such when I really do care & am trying my best. People tend to misread me & I have a hard time reading others. I also do not conform to any stereotype & it throws others for a loop cuz they categorize people in square boxes & I do not fit in any box.

It seems like lots of people do not have the same perspective about relationships I do. I do not base relationships on things like chemistry, sparks, butterflies in my stomach, nor finishing each other's sentences. I care about substantive things like trust, respect, loyalty, & commitment. I expect any romantic relationship I get in to have lots of problems at times & what's important is how we deal with them together. I'm NOT the type to want to end a relationship the moment we have an argument. I need my partner to try & meet me halfway. Sometimes I get my way, sometimes she gets hers, & sometimes neither of us get exactly what we want or need; & that's OK, I'm not keeping score. I don't want either of us to feel like we're getting majorly screwed over & I want both of us to feel like the other is trying even if we feel like we're failing miserably at times. I want to be accepted by my partner but I also expect romantic relationships to change me. I want to feel like I'm a better person with my partner. Sometimes just having a rock to turn to, feeling loved & accepted, & having motivation is a huge help; & I want my partner to feel the same way about me. Very luckily I have a lot of this with my current girlfriend :D

I never done the dating thing despite having three relationships. They were online at 1st & the dating step got skipped & went to a serious LDR. I'm not sue how to date & the idea seems extremely overwhelming :help: We'd both try to impress each other while at the same time trying to get the other to accept us as we are :? It's like playing a poker game when I'd much rather just throw all my cards on the table & she can take em or leave.


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W12Ranger
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05 Dec 2022, 6:57 pm

I used to struggle quite a bit, I never picked up hints and had very bad social anxiety for a while.

Time has since passed and now that I am far more experienced and learned quite a few things I no longer have any real issues dating.



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05 Dec 2022, 8:02 pm

- Knowing when someone is interested.

- Approaching someone without forgetting how to form a sentence.

- Trying to not do a U turn and fighting the urge to run away.

- Trying and failing not to overthink the entire thing as I play various scenarios in my head, convincing myself that everything will be terrible.

- Attempting to talk about crushes without becoming a flustered mess.

:lol:

Still, I want to try.


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RiverLad
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08 Dec 2022, 11:05 am

Well cishets only seem to value body parts, not people, and it’s hard to meet non binary queer people like me… :alien: :king:



Mona Pereth
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10 Dec 2022, 7:09 am

nick007 wrote:
It seems like lots of people do not have the same perspective about relationships I do. I do not base relationships on things like chemistry, sparks, butterflies in my stomach, nor finishing each other's sentences. I care about substantive things like trust, respect, loyalty, & commitment. I expect any romantic relationship I get in to have lots of problems at times & what's important is how we deal with them together. I'm NOT the type to want to end a relationship the moment we have an argument. I need my partner to try & meet me halfway. Sometimes I get my way, sometimes she gets hers, & sometimes neither of us get exactly what we want or need; & that's OK, I'm not keeping score. I don't want either of us to feel like we're getting majorly screwed over & I want both of us to feel like the other is trying even if we feel like we're failing miserably at times. I want to be accepted by my partner but I also expect romantic relationships to change me. I want to feel like I'm a better person with my partner. Sometimes just having a rock to turn to, feeling loved & accepted, & having motivation is a huge help; & I want my partner to feel the same way about me. Very luckily I have a lot of this with my current girlfriend :D

Sounds to me like you have a very good, emotionally mature set of attitudes, likely to lead to successful relationships.

I agree it's important to recognize that disagreements, misunderstandings, etc. are inevitable, and to be prepared to handle them in a mutually respectful manner. I agree that the most important thing in a relationship is how the partners deal with problems.

I also agree that "butterflies" and "sparks" are not a sound basis for forming relationships. (I've always preferred to get my "butterflies" and "sparks" from hobbies, not from people.)

nick007 wrote:
I never done the dating thing despite having three relationships. They were online at 1st & the dating step got skipped & went to a serious LDR. I'm not sue how to date & the idea seems extremely overwhelming :help: We'd both try to impress each other while at the same time trying to get the other to accept us as we are :? It's like playing a poker game when I'd much rather just throw all my cards on the table & she can take em or leave.

My own current and longest-lasting relationship didn't involve any dating either. It seems to me that meeting and getting to know each other in contexts other than dating is more likely to lead to a successful relationship.


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Magda.Regula
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10 Dec 2022, 4:02 pm

The worst was to actually let someone know that I'm interested. I can do the first stage of flirting but it never progress anywhere, I don't know how people exchange phone numbers for example.

Online dating solved this probem, but brought some new too. Mind you, I overcome them snd I'm in a relationship with an autistic man now.



The Grand Inquisitor
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11 Dec 2022, 6:18 am

Finding someone to date



hurtloam
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11 Dec 2022, 6:34 am

I'm not sure. Men like me at first, but I'm not quite what they want. It very rarely turns to outright dislike, but once they start getting to know me better I'm a solid no.



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14 Dec 2022, 3:35 pm

RiverLad wrote:
Well cishets only seem to value body parts, not people, and it’s hard to meet non binary queer people like me… :alien: :king:


Bit of an overgeneralization, don’t you think? As a cishet guy, not all of us only care about “body parts”. LGBTQ+ Autistics actually have it easier than straight Autistics thanks to the large amount of LGBTQ+ social infrastructure out there (college clubs, specifically catered dating sites, pride parades, etc.).


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Zakatar
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14 Dec 2022, 3:36 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Finding someone to date


Same


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Mona Pereth
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15 Dec 2022, 6:23 pm

Bataar wrote:
I'm also a fan of board/card gaming. I used to be a pretty hardcore player of Magic: the Gathering, but have transitioned more into board games. Guess what, that's not a viable way to meet single women. Lots of women play and enjoy gaming, but they're not single. They come with their husbands or boyfriends and really enjoy the hobby, but not single.

Are you sure there aren't any games that have more appeal to women (including at least some single women) than the ones you've tried so far?

Bataar wrote:
I also really enjoy fishing. I meet lots of nice and attractive women while fishing, believe it or not, but none of them are single. I've taken classes for bonsai trees, photography, cooking, etc and same problem. Lots of guys show up and a few wives and girlfriends, but no single women.

Have you tried dance classes? Sewing classes?

Also, I notice that you live in Idaho, which has a slightly higher male-to-female ratio than the average U.S. state. (See statistics here.) Is there any possibility that you could move to a different state?


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nick007
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18 Dec 2022, 8:32 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
nick007 wrote:
It seems like lots of people do not have the same perspective about relationships I do. I do not base relationships on things like chemistry, sparks, butterflies in my stomach, nor finishing each other's sentences. I care about substantive things like trust, respect, loyalty, & commitment. I expect any romantic relationship I get in to have lots of problems at times & what's important is how we deal with them together. I'm NOT the type to want to end a relationship the moment we have an argument. I need my partner to try & meet me halfway. Sometimes I get my way, sometimes she gets hers, & sometimes neither of us get exactly what we want or need; & that's OK, I'm not keeping score. I don't want either of us to feel like we're getting majorly screwed over & I want both of us to feel like the other is trying even if we feel like we're failing miserably at times. I want to be accepted by my partner but I also expect romantic relationships to change me. I want to feel like I'm a better person with my partner. Sometimes just having a rock to turn to, feeling loved & accepted, & having motivation is a huge help; & I want my partner to feel the same way about me. Very luckily I have a lot of this with my current girlfriend :D

Sounds to me like you have a very good, emotionally mature set of attitudes, likely to lead to successful relationships.

I agree it's important to recognize that disagreements, misunderstandings, etc. are inevitable, and to be prepared to handle them in a mutually respectful manner. I agree that the most important thing in a relationship is how the partners deal with problems.

I also agree that "butterflies" and "sparks" are not a sound basis for forming relationships. (I've always preferred to get my "butterflies" and "sparks" from hobbies, not from people.)

nick007 wrote:
I never done the dating thing despite having three relationships. They were online at 1st & the dating step got skipped & went to a serious LDR. I'm not sue how to date & the idea seems extremely overwhelming :help: We'd both try to impress each other while at the same time trying to get the other to accept us as we are :? It's like playing a poker game when I'd much rather just throw all my cards on the table & she can take em or leave.

My own current and longest-lasting relationship didn't involve any dating either. It seems to me that meeting and getting to know each other in contexts other than dating is more likely to lead to a successful relationship.
Very unfortunately my wisdom(for lack of a better short term here) comes at the expense of making major mistakes & majorly screwing up my 1st two relationships. The butterflies & sparks kinda developed after the relationships started. I only ever felt that with my romantic partners & the one person I had a crush obsession on. I became highly unstable in my 1st two relationships after those feelings developed. The term Lovesick seems very accurate here. I can analyze & make sense of things when I'm not experiencing those feelings but when the feelings are very intense I can not see nor think straight. Realizing some of the causes & figuring out various ways to better minimize & manage em helps. It also majorly helps that my current gf is very affectionate & kinda needy & clingy.


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