It's a wonder how anyone dates, really

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Now, I don't mean this as in 'Oh, woe is me' but rather, I'm just thinking out loud. I used to think, as a kid, that a relationship was an inevitability. However, as I entered my twenties, I realised that it was not a matter of when, but rather if - that nothing is for absolute certain. That, as cheesy or cliché it may sound, the future is not yet written. I think that's terrifying but also fascinating.

Personally, I was hesitant to make this thread. It lived in my head for a little while, since I know that expressing such words and fears as a twenty three year old might be aggravating to some people. I think it's easy to dismiss. 'Oh, you'll find someone! You're still young!' ...perhaps. Yet, there is always the possibility that this may not be the case. It's a scary thought.

There's a part of me that's almost angry. Hurt. It wonders why I bothered to come out just to be alone. Yet another part of me replies, reminding myself that there's more to it than that, it reminds me about the community I have found. Although being a part of the LGBT community doesn't completely define me, I would say that it is a significant aspect.

I am fortunate to be, for the most part, surrounded by people who don't merely tolerate but actively accept me. Yet memories of being hurt by others, being spat at and insulted, they weigh me down sometimes when I least expect the intrusion. As if someone has coiled me in a scratchy blanket and handed me a cup of cold tea. The memories hurt a lot less then they did, but there's almost a staleness about them which I can't quite describe.

Despite this, I am ready to move on. I am in a good place in my life, it's not ideal but it's not bad either. Crushes are...warm. At least to me. There's a sense of safety, a sense of comfort yet somehow nervousness. You notice details; their laugh, their smile, the melody of their voice and how their eyes remind you of something. Perhaps a crystal formation or the ocean or forests or something else entirely. Then, one day, they just go back to being a regular person in your eyes. As if you were temporarily possessed and are once again back to seeing reality. Or at least, that's been my experience.

It's a wonder how anyone finds anyone else. There are a lot of things that need to line up in order for a relationship to happen. Yet you can't orchestrate / force it either. Nor would that be moral, it needs to happen organically, mutually, yet you can't sit around expecting it to come to you. Recently I was speaking to a newly employed teacher, she was telling me that she understands struggling to meet people while working a full-time job. Frankly it seems baffling that people manage to make time for it at all.

I know that I have overly idealised ideas of romance and that I'm more in love with the idea of dating...I've never really felt that way about someone, not truly. Yet I hope that one day I will, not just to be in a relationship for the sake of it, but because I actually like them. I can dream. All I know is that I know absolutely nothing, and I'm not even sure about that.

It's really tough to find the right person in the world to be with, doesn't it?

Out of curiosity, which orientation are you, anyway?

I'm heteroromantic ace-spec.

I use gay or lesbian interchangeably to describe myself. I am romantically, physically and sexually attracted to women. However, the idea of hooking up doesn't appeal to me personally, I'd rather have an emotional connection.

That’s probably good. It means you might be less prone to being taken advantage of.

It also means your relationships will have substance.

I understand how you feel Lost_dragon.

I can't stand the dating market, people seem so closed off cold and judgemental. I have my s**t together I have my own vehicle live on my own and make a good living but somehow that doesn't seem to be enough. I will continue to focus on improving myself in hopes that one day that will make myself more attractive to the opposite sex but I am running out of energy and quite frankly f***s to give also.

Yeah, I went through that same realisation. It seemed inevitable, but then I realised it's not. There's all these things that need to click into place

What aspects of the LGBT community do you currently participate in? For example, are you a member of any organizations?


I certainly agree that you should form a relationship with someone you actually like, not "just to be in a relationship for the sake of it." However, what exactly do you mean by "like," in this context?

It seems to me that, in contemporary Western culture, "romantic" feelings (e.g. crushes) are over-rated. In my opinion, what's most important in a romantic relationship is not butterflies in your tummy, but compatibility.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 30 Dec 2022, 8:49 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I would say that the main problem with the dating "market," as you called it, is simply that it's too much of a "market." Too much market mentality is intrinsically objectifying, both to yourself and to your potential partners. People being "closed off cold and judgemental" is a consequence of that. Market mentality is, IMO, a big obstacle to developing the emotional intimacy that is essential to a good romantic relationship.

IMO, to find and build a good romantic relationship, it is necessary to move beyond market mentality. While some market mentality is unavoidable, it needs to be counterbalanced by other things. For example:

1) If you don't already have one, try to find a hobby or recreational activity that you can genuinely enjoy, and that also (if you're heterosexual) attracts plenty of people of the other sex, or (if you're gay) has a group devoted to it within the organized LGBT community. Getting to know people as friends first is the soundest way to build a romantic relationship.

2) While self-improvement is a good thing, do it for yourself, not just to attract potential partners. For example, if you plan to do more exercise, do it for your own health, not just to look better.

People still date, although the protocols may have evolved with the Internet.  Nowadays, it is easy to get a "feel" for a potential date from their pics and posts on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and the like.  If someone does not like what they see, it is easy to "ghost" someone else without ever meeting in person.  It is also easy to catfish and gaslight someone over the Internet, so the best and smartest dateable people are being much more cautious.

Why hook up with someone who creeps you out when there are hundreds (thousands?) more close by who do not?

Huh. Well, I wasn't expecting this thread to randomly resurface.

Not official ones...but we sort of made our own group. Back when I was in University, there was an official group but it was terrible. However, a friend of mine introduced me to a gaymer society. We weren't an official society, but there was enough of us to just arrange hang outs in gaming spaces to play games, or to talk about LGBT topics, or pretty much anything. The group gradually grew as people introduced new partners etc. Most of the group is gay or bisexual, but we do have a couple of straight allies.

Even after our courses came to an end, we kept the group running with an online server and sometimes we meet up in person. There's a tucked away bar that we like to hang out. It's not officially a gay bar (the actual gay bars in the area aren't that great) but it's pretty heavily LGBT. Word gets around. There's a fair amount of crossover within the underground goth and punk scenes. It's fairly neurodiverse as well, I've noticed. Lots of bold fashion choices and indie rock. I feel quite at home within such spaces. My friend's band performances also tend to attract a certain crowd. However, you have to be quick to get tickets. Although it may be a little loud for me. I've never attended a live show of theirs, but I support the band via streaming. Maybe someday I'll go to a show.



I meant in terms of compatibility. Someone that I can connect with on an emotional level.

My last date went well, I think we're at least distant friends. I now have a sketchbook and a list of films I said I'd watch. So that's something at least. Certainly more than I expected would ever happen. Even if this doesn't go anywhere, at least I have some decent movie recommendations. Well, I certainly hope the recommendations end up being decent. I'm gradually making my way through the list.

I agree with almost everything you have said here Mona Pereth, I like your second point about doing things for yourself instead of just to please others you may want to garner sexual or romantic interest. I have the same attitude about improvement also but I think I may not have worded it properly to come off as such. I have been feeling jaded and sinical so that may be why come across as negative.

I have lots of hobbies but they are mostly male oriented interests or the over 40 crowd. I am involved in a community group in my town that fights for and promotes human rights. This group is quite sizible as we have over 100 members in our community but they are all over the age of 40 which does not bode well for me as I am 26 and looking for someone between 18-30. I am also apart of a HAM radio club which is almost all men.

Have you talked to the group's leaders about the possibility of starting a young adults' group within the larger group? Perhaps you could look into possible ways of recruiting young adults, such as by tabling in the vicinity of nearby college campuses?

Thanks for the suggestion Mona Pereth, I haven't looked into a creating a young adult group yet. I just figured that most young people just don't care about human rights,
as long as they have their drugs and electronic devices they are happy to go along with whatever the government tells them to do even if it's at the expense of their fellow man.

Only a minority of people in any age group care about anything outside their own personal life. But they do exist, in all age groups.

There certainly do exist young people who care. But I suspect that most of them would be more comfortable in a group that had other people their own age in it.