How To Get A Girlfriend If You're An Autistic Man

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23 Jan 2023, 7:05 pm

It's not true for me.
I don't even look at people so I have no interest in their "looks".
How do looks help a relationship, exactly?

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ironpony
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23 Jan 2023, 7:10 pm

I'm not sure how, but I was just indulging the notion that was mentioned before that autistic guys have to be goodlooking to be successful in having more dating options.

IsabellaLinton
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23 Jan 2023, 7:12 pm

Oh, that mentality again.
How could I forget.

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ironpony
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23 Jan 2023, 7:18 pm

Oh well it was mentioned in this same thread, so I was just asking how much is true, compared to what my gf said about sense of humor.

If sense of humor trumps all, perhaps guys who may have trouble with dating, work on that, if that is the most important. But if it is, no one ever talks about it in these types of threads.

Caz72
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23 Jan 2023, 7:22 pm

when your autistic or have other learning disability looks can be an advantage

im the least socially skilled person but from adolesence i have always had boyfriends with no effort but im not proud of it

but im not speaking for everyone so dont go thinking im insulting everyone on the spectrum who doesnt have a relationship

but i will say this..during my alcoholic prostitute days my looks made me rich but not saying thats a good thing

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IsabellaLinton
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23 Jan 2023, 7:23 pm

We've been saying it for years.
Most men just don't believe us.

Not to belittle men's struggles, but it's true.

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IsabellaLinton
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23 Jan 2023, 7:23 pm

Caz72 wrote:

Are you a man?

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Caz72
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23 Jan 2023, 7:24 pm

doesnt it apply to autistic women as well?

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IsabellaLinton
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23 Jan 2023, 7:26 pm

I don't know, but the thread is about autistic men.

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ironpony
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23 Jan 2023, 7:33 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:

We've been saying it for years.
Most men just don't believe us.

Not to belittle men's struggles, but it's true.

Saying what, that looks are necessary?

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23 Jan 2023, 7:45 pm

ironpony wrote:

IsabellaLinton wrote:

We've been saying it for years.
Most men just don't believe us.

Not to belittle men's struggles, but it's true.

Saying what, that looks are necessary?

That personality is necessary. ^

Lots of autistic men seem to worry about looks, jobs, money, etc., because they feel inferior in the dating market. While some of that can certainly help anyone (men or women) to feel more confident or meet a wider range of people, if they don't have a good personality no one will want want to stay with them longer term. Those things might work for a hookup but no one wants to date / marry a person who can't make conversation or show some growth of character.

(I'm not suggesting autistic men don't have good personalities, just that they often think it's not important to women / other men as prospective partners.)

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23 Jan 2023, 7:50 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:

ironpony wrote:

IsabellaLinton wrote:

We've been saying it for years.
Most men just don't believe us.

Not to belittle men's struggles, but it's true.

Saying what, that looks are necessary?

That makes sense. Well when it comes to the notion that was mentioned before in this thread that autistic women have an easier time getting guys compared to the other way around, if that's true, why is that?

Are guys less about personality when it comes to choosing a mate to a further degree perhaps, which is why the autism doesn't bother them so much compared to if the genders are flipped?

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23 Jan 2023, 8:00 pm

That topic has been done to death here, and amounts to a lot of sexist stereotyping.
The bottom line is that women have just as hard of a time as men.
Their struggles may be different, but they are just as valid.

It's not OK to say women have it easier, just because lots of men might want to shag them.

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ironpony
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23 Jan 2023, 8:03 pm

Oh yes for sure. And I am not saying personally that women have it easier. I was just asking questions made on the previous post in this thread, that autistic women have it easier with NT men compared to the other way around. But I do not mean to make it seem like I personally believe so myself.

I was just asking questions on the post, and trying to keep an open mind.

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23 Jan 2023, 8:26 pm

ironpony wrote:

I was just asking questions made on the previous post in this thread, that autistic women have it easier with NT men compared to the other way around. I was just asking questions on the post, and trying to keep an open mind.

I don't see a previous post which says autistic women have it easier than autistic men.
The only post I see suggests looks helps both genders, but in the poster's case it led to exploitation.
That's clearly not anyone's goal.

Chances are we're all quite good looking.

The issue that I had raised is that personality and the way we treat others matters just as much as all the rest.
Probably much, much more.

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23 Jan 2023, 8:36 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

Mona Pereth wrote:

Agreed that Zakatar shouldn't be looking in "bars and other vanity fairs."

But, to be fair, Zakatar is talking about the situation of "average-looking, average-earning" autistic men, not "average-looking, average-earning" NT men, and he's talking specifically about the situation of a 26-year old autistic man living in today's world, in which the overall dating situation for young heterosexual men has apparently gotten worse than it was even 10 years ago, for whatever reasons.

But the solution certainly isn't to try to guilt-trip autistic women into dating autistic men. I personally do have an autistic partner, but we certainly can't and shouldn't dictate that other autistic women make a similar choice. People have the right not to be forced or guilt-tripped into relationships with any particular set of people.

And, even if every heterosexual or bisexual autistic woman were to choose an autistic male partner, there would still be plenty of autistic men left over, given the high ratio men to women diagnosed with autism.

Perhaps it might help if some well-funded organization were to launch a public relations campaign, aimed at women in general, about the advantages of relationships with (at least some) autistic men. See the following articles regarding these advantages:

- 7 Reasons to Date an Autistic Man
- What to Know When Starting a Relationship with an Autistic Person
- Dating Someone With Autism

Such a campaign might, alas, have the bad side-effect of giving some unscrupulous NT women the idea of exploiting autistic men in one way or another. Alas, NT's (of both sexes) exploiting autistic partners (of both sexes) is already a known problem.

So there would also need to be some sort of campaign aimed at autistic people (both men and women) on how to avoid potential partners who are likely to exploit us.

I think the biggest challenge for us ultimately comes down to the male gender role in dating requiring us to be outgoing and read non-verbal cues. Dating would be so much easier for me personally if I was occasionally approached by an interested woman who made her interest explicit. I would have a good idea of how to navigate the situation from there.

Me too. The one relationship I have had, which only lasted a little over a month, was with an Autistic woman who was explicit in wanting to date and was the first to initiate a conversation. Alas it didn’t last because we weren’t sexually compatible (she is asexual, I am not), and she came to the realization that she liked women more than men.

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