Aspie guy I like gives me mixed signals and now ignoring me

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Evami
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26 Mar 2024, 8:08 pm

Hello , I’m a NT women, few months ago I met a guy online and we started chatting and he told me his had Asperger’s . At the time I didn’t ask any following questions, I didn’t want to ask the wrong one so I didn’t but after that I did a lot of reading about Asperger’s and Autism .
We chat couple time a week or once a week as I don’t like to put so much pressure on him and I give him his time. I’m very untested in him and I like him but I take things slow, he compliments me so much and he told me multiple time how he find me very pretty etc and kind nice caring a ma he like my presence in his life .
I do component him so much I show I interest in him his hobbies his opinions, his likes am dislike . He doesn’t ask many question about me but I read it was an aspie thing.
He even told me once I deserve a man that treats me like a princess . And the places and the things he wants to do with me even we meet in perosn . A bout a week ago we talked abou meeting in perosn few months form now ( not the first time we takes about it) and he told he worries is he can keep eye contact and conversation or be distracted by my beauty and I told him to don’t worry and be comfortable and be himself I’m will be nervous too
And then I text him why is we try to get to know each other a bit better in the meantime and maybe even become GOOD FRIEND. I d like to know more about him and get closer , but He never relied on that text . And then I waited few days and I text him Again to check in him very casually and he never replied . He basically just ignored me completely and it’s been a week .
There is no way he doesn’t know I like him , even if I didn’t say it directly all I say And do shows that I like him and care about him .
So now I’m very confused and hurt , if he find me to be nice and caring and attractive why Doenst he even want to be friends , I like and care about him i didnt want to put too much pressure so I said just friends ? Or he just say those things because he things Ia what I want to hear but not mean any is it ? And is he doesn’t want to be even friends why can’t he just honestly day I’m not interred in been your friend and I will leave him alone ? I just can’t get it? He doesn’t even have enough respect for me to answer , I read aspies are honest and direct but nothing direct here , I asked him in the past about his dating history after I shared mine but he never answered either , please help me I’m not sure what to do and what I’m doing wrong ?? And why is he like this with me???? Thank you all



Comet Zed
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27 Mar 2024, 5:30 am

There could be many reasons, I think it's important not to over react. If it were me doing this I would likely be overwhelmed by several things to pull this behaviour, but that doesn't necessarily mean much. Best of luck.


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27 Mar 2024, 6:25 am

Apies are usually honest and direct but they can miss exceedingly obvious communication for one reason or another.
Many are inexperienced with relationships and clueless as to the "rules of relationships."

There is the exceedingly rare Aspie that will exploit these Aspie tenancies to have multiple relationships but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Sheldon in Big Bang Theory might be a good example of an Aspie getting into a relationship.
Amy played the long game as she knew what she was getting into.



Evami
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27 Mar 2024, 8:13 am

Thank you for your reply, I’m not sure if he is exploiting this aspie tenancies in this case, I know in the app where we met he had many friends ( girls ) .
He picks and choose what to reply to , even he wants he replies and goes on and on when he didn’t he just ignores me, he didn’t ask any questions about me and didn’t give any information that can make connection deeper ( even his bday won’t tell me $ yet he tells me how awesome I’m and uses pet names and tell me he finds me attractive and beatiful , if it’s just physical things he wants? I don’t know what are his intention ?



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27 Mar 2024, 3:48 pm

If you really like him, be patient. The time frame I see from your post is a few months. In my mind, this is not particularly long.

My current girlfriend (aspie/adhd) years ago asked me to go out one time back in late 2017 (I can go back to records to get the exact date, but I am estimating).we didn't go out until about a year later. We were sti friendly and hung out with friends. Point being, she asked me, and I wasn't ready at the time. We didnt know almost anything about eachother (well, i think she picked up on some things and knew i was ND)..... But it is hard for us ND's. Like walking through the dark. It can be scary and make us feel uncomfortably vulnerable.

If you think you can be happy with this person, be patient, I think it will be worth it. But you will also probably experience similar issues when you are together. There will be periods where they go a bit silent because they need their time to themselves or don't feel like they have e the social skills to "keep up" ,with you -- likely because they get physically exhausted.

And also, it sounds like you might need more direct. I can't tell if you two see eachother in person or not --- have you given them any physical signals? (Nothing dirty, but comforting things go a long way with people like me..... no shoulder touching please, lol).

I guess it seems to me you are interested in a shy autistic guy (not bad, I'd say). And judging from your post, he's probably trying to protect himself from being hurt. And the problem with that is, a whole lot of relationships don't work out. Boy, don't I know. But dammit, if you don't try to make it happen, it won't happen.


Edit: oh jeez.... I forgot to finish it.... we are still together. There's definitely good days and bad days. I feel like a lot of people say "it takes work,"..... but it really takes learning.... about your partner.


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Last edited by j_k on 27 Mar 2024, 4:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Summer_Twilight
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27 Mar 2024, 3:53 pm

The whole friendzone thing sounds like a polite way of letting you know that he isn't interested.



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27 Mar 2024, 4:00 pm

Austism is very frustrating because if you know one Aspie, you only know one Aspie.
It isn't like Down's syndrome in which there are a lot of similarities in that population.

It sounds like he wants signals from you to move forward, but that is just a guess.



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27 Mar 2024, 4:23 pm

When I'm interested in someone I make responding to her messages a very high priority. Him commenting on your beauty so much makes me think he's trying to flirt with you. Perhaps the thought of meeting you in person started to freak him out for some reason. When you suggested being friends with him he mighta took that at face value & thought you were wanting a friendship instead of a romantic relationship with him. Perhaps he was not open to the idea of a friendship only relationship & instead of telling you that he decided to ghost you. No matter the reason he has not responded to you for a week. If he does respond soon I would be very worried that him suddenly ignoring people for a week or so with no explanation would be a somewhat common occurrence for him. Since your not very invested in a relationship with him yet, I think it's best to move on.


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Evami
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28 Mar 2024, 12:21 am

Thank you all for your reply and help .
We talked about physical things many time very explicitly and both him and in on the same page as far as been physically attracted to either other, and … ( can’t go to details here but yeah )
As far as meeting in perosn we haven’t yet we talked about it and per have plans for few months form now and last time we talked about it he was worried he won’t be able to keep eye contact and be distracted by my physical looks and I told him to don’t worry about that and just be himself .
And there where I asked him if we can get to know each other better a bit while waiting for the in perosn meeting to ease the pressure and maybe be his friends . I know i used friends but I like him and the reason I said friends because I can’t say I like you that might just drive him away. But he didn’t reply in that text , HE DID REPLY in the text I send him after a week checking on him, he replied within few hours saying he was working and I’m so nice and sweet for checking him bla blah .
So this my dilemma, he picks and choose what to reply for and I noticed this pattern when I asked perosn questions , I told him all my dating history when I asked about his he ignore me , after a week I texted him about something else he replied immediately but never talked about his dating . Then I asked about his bday and the same thing a week later no answer I text him about something else he replied and he nerve went back to tell me his bday, he doesn’t even want to share his bday I find it a bit weird ( when we first started talking he shared that he has Asperger’s and never mentioned it again ) and this time about getting to know each item and become better friend , no reply then when I text to check on him he answered in few hours .but didn’t mention at all the previous text where I asked him to get to know each other better and become better friends .
This is what confuses me , he calls Pete names :| he finds me attractive, nice , kind , intelligent and caring ( his words ) yet he doesn’t even want to be friends , I just want to understand him a bit better and understand his intention ? Does he like me ? Or it just my wishful thinking. Because he would ask question and want to get to know me if he actually likes me , or just physical attraction nothing else and he doesn’t want to get close to each other because he just doesn’t really care ??



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28 Mar 2024, 8:07 am

Many aspies are embarrassed with their lack of experience with dating and may be reluctant to say anything.
It is a social disorder so it is likely that they get to a certain point of socialization and "hit a wall."
Assistance often stops when they turn 18.
As children they may have gotten training to help them be "normal."



jimmy m
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28 Mar 2024, 12:26 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet. You asked a lot of interesting questions about someone you are thinking about becoming romantic with. He claimed to have Asperger's Syndrome (Aspie for short). Since I have that condition perhaps I can offer a little insight. You wrote:

"There is no way he doesn’t know I like him , even if I didn’t say it directly all I say And do shows that I like him and care about him."

This may very well be true. You may have to come out directly an tell him your thoughts and desires. Be very direct with him. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be totally honest.

Then you wrote, "So now I’m very confused and hurt , if he find me to be nice and caring and attractive why Doenst he even want to be friends , I like and care about him i didnt want to put too much pressure so I said just friends ? Or he just say those things because he things Ia what I want to hear but not mean any is it ? And is he doesn’t want to be even friends why can’t he just honestly day I’m not interred in been your friend and I will leave him alone ? I just can’t get it? He doesn’t even have enough respect for me to answer , I read aspies are honest and direct but nothing direct here , I asked him in the past about his dating history after I shared mine but he never answered either , please help me I’m not sure."

But perhaps he did. It might be possible that he never went on a date. NEVER. So if he has no dating history, how would he answer your question. He might give you a BLANK.

You wrote, "As far as meeting in perosn we haven’t yet we talked about it and per have plans for few months form now and last time we talked about it he was worried he won’t be able to keep eye contact and be distracted by my physical looks and I told him to don’t worry about that and just be himself ."

This is an interesting point. He is afraid of direct eye to eye contact. Many aspies have this trait. They will not look a person directly eye to eye but always off to one side. I am not sure why. But if that is a problem, then I will give you a solution. Have him wear sunglasses when you meet for the first time.

They actually make sunglasses that are one way glasses. You can see out but other people cannot see in. They are a type of special sunglasses that policeman would wear while on duty.

Now I cannot guarantee this individual is an Aspie. You will have to make that judgement on your own. But if he is, he may have a very high IQ. And he may be extremely honest.


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Evami
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29 Mar 2024, 9:12 am

Thank you every one, especially to you Mr Jimmy m . It a not a problem at all if he can’t keep eye contact as far as I’m concern and I told him to just be himself and be comfortable .
And yes he had a very high IQ, our conversation about quantum physics , chemistry, biology etc and I love it, i think I’m attracted to that too .
But it’s hard to believe he never been in a date, he makes it seem like he has a lot of experience with women when it comes to physical things at least,( has says things ) and he is a very good looking guy and in the app where we met he had over 300 friends that are women of course. But I can understand if he doesn’t want to share his dating history but what about his bday even that he won’t share it ???
I want to get close to him and get to know him better that’s why I asked if we can try to get to know each other better and make our first meeting in person less awkward and maybe become good friends but he never answered on that text??!( it hurt me a bit because I told him I’m that text how hard it is for me to be vulnerable with other people but I feel like I could trust him and he just ignored all that ) and to me it means NO he doesn’t want to be my friend or get to know me But won’t say it directly instead he ignore that text and when I checked on him after a week he replied saying he is doing fine just working but never mentioned the text about getting to know each other and to me that’s a no I don’t want to know you, and is he is honest and direct why cant he just say “ no I’m not interested so I won’t waist more of my time and energy “
Yet even in his reply he still call me sweetheart and other cute things and it confuses me , I feel like maybe he just say that to every other women too, and he isn’t untested in me as he really doesn’t know much about me at all . ?
I want to get close to him and not just talked about hobbies and commun interest, I want to know him more on a deeper level and know what made the person he is today , his value , opinions on life , dreams … but I don’t know how when he takes a week to reply and choose to reply only on what he wants to ??



Last edited by Evami on 29 Mar 2024, 1:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nick007
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29 Mar 2024, 9:36 am

It seems to me like your having a hard time understanding him & trusting what he tells you which is understandable since his behaviour is kinda confusing & contradictory. I generally think it's best to move on if someone feels they are being lead on in the early stages of a relationship & they tried having a discussion with their potential partner & are still left confused.


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Evami
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30 Mar 2024, 8:39 am

[quote="nick007"]It seems to me like your having a hard time understanding him & trusting what he tells you which is understandable since his behaviour is kinda confusing & contradictory. I generally think it's best to move on if someone feels they are being lead on in the early stages of a relationship & they tried having a discussion with their potential partner & are still left confused.[/quote

Yes I do have hard time understanding him , sometime I feel like he likes me if he says all those things , then every time I ask something little personal and try to get to know him better he will ignore me , what confuses me and makes me think he just playing mind games and says what he thinks I want to hear but he doesn’t really like me .
Moving on isn’t as easy as it sounds , I know we haven’t met yet in person and we are still at the early stages but I like him a lot and emotionally I’m very invested .
I didn’t reply to his last text as all he said was he was working … I m kinda stepping back a bit and giving him even more space and also if he doesn’t want to be friends( since he ignored the text where I asked him to get to know each other better and maybe become friends before we meet in perosn ) I’m not sure if there is anything for me to say anymore . It almost feels like it’s fake .