does not retailiting make me a pushover?

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Sometimes when we have an argument, I feel like I could reach a peaceful resolution by just giving her everything she wants.

It would be so much easier. But it would make me feel like a pushover. What would my friends think if they knew I'd given up my freedom so easily.

If I give her an inch now will that cause her to be even more controlling later?

This almost feels like a philosophical problem to me. I've heard many philosophies about be nice to people and give them what they want. It sounds beautiful when you hear it but when I try to do it, I think "what if I'm being a pushover"?

It's hard to know without more context, but if it's a loving relationship it's generally better to respond with love and understanding, if you can.

There's a way to be kind and loving while also asserting your needs. I don't know how to do that, but if you can, maybe try that. But I wouldn't think of it as "retaliating" nor do I think it would be good to retaliate.

Maybe retaliation isn't the right word. I don't want to get revenge. But it's about not always giving her what she wants.

If I give her what she wants, am I a peace maker? Am I being a nice guy for giving her what she wants? Or am I a pushover?

What would Jesus do? Probably give her the shirt off his back. Jesus was nice to people and look where it got him? He ended up getting betrayed and killed.

Some guys would use the term P-Whipped to describe me & my 1st gf compared me to the Giving Tree because I generally try my best to please my romantic partners. That said, I also realize that I need to to take care of myself as well. If I sacrifice my own needs too much the relationship becomes codependent & I get burnt-out & frustrated & take it out on her. I cant keep giving if I neglect my own wellbeing too much. There needs to be a bit of a balance in relationships with give & take from both partners. If one partner gives too much the relationship becomes one-sided & leads to resentment. This happened in my 2nd relationship & I kept picking fights I strongly believe that most relationships can work out if both partners really try to compromise. Both partners need to be there for each other & try to support each other how they can. I don't really care what others think about my relationship, what's important is how I feel & how my partner feels about things. I also don't value freedom within a relationship & the bachelor lifestyle never appealed to me so I might not be the best person to offer advice here. Maybe I'm too far gone

It depends on the importance of what your other half is asking of you, whether it is reasonable to accept her terms and how much you value peace or pleasing your partner, versus convenience or being comfortable with yourself, with a different outcome to that of which your other half wants.

One of my friends uses the term "petticoat tyranny" to describe the way they do things like tell us to get them a glass of Pepsi when they're sitting on the coach. If I want a glass of Pepsi, I have to get it myself. Why does she have to have someone bring it to her?

Or if we're upstairs, she wants me to go downstairs and get her phone for her. If we're downstairs, she wants me to go upstairs and get her phone for her. If I leave my phone upstairs, I have to get it myself.

And why is it that every time she walks upstairs/downstairs, she doesn't take her phone with her? Even when she's wearing pants with pockets? Like, she'll be using her phone (she's almost always using her phone) and then decide she wants to go downstairs so she'll put her phone on the table, walk downstairs and then be surprised that she doesn't have her phone with her. Her pants have pockets, why doesn't she use them?

Speaking of the Giving Tree, a while ago she was saying she wants me to give her my salary so she can give me an allowance out of it. My reaction to this suggestion involved a lot of four letter words and a lot of seven letter words that end with -ing.

But she kept on asking after I'd already told her no.

So now she's downgraded it she just wants to "manage our income" so we can have more savings. She says I buy too many small things (electronics, etc) and if we saved more, we could buy big things. The trouble is the big things are always things that she wants. I think "big things" is a nice way for her to say, "my things" and that "you need to save more" is a nice way of saying "you need to save more and then spend it on me".

Well anyway this manipulative 慈禧 is now going to refuse to put any money into my offset account until I meet her financial demands. She knows that if she doesn't put fifty thousand or so dollars into the offset account it will take me an extra 6 or 7 years to pay off the mortgage.

It sounds like she's manipulating and attempting to control you, which is not good and not healthy in a relationship. Giving her your money is a lot more than just doing nice things for her like getting her a glass of water (which also shouldn't be a demand!) and I would not give anyone my money! I think that crosses a line.

If she is your wife you can have an arrangement about how your money is shared, but it has to be a compromise that meets the wishes of both sides, and you should never feel coerced. If she is your girlfriend I would absolutely not give in to that!

I know that your wife is Chinese-Australian based on previous threads you made, but this allowance thing reminds me of the tradition in Japan:

https://www.japan-talk.com/jt/new/okozu ... in%20Tokyo.

Edit: It seems to be the case in China too: https://www.chinadaily.com.cn/opinion/2 ... 751962.htm


Tell her, you two are living in Australia and Australian men don't do that.

Is she Japanese? If so there might be a custom in Japan for the wives to use the husbands money to manage the household & the wives give their husband an allowance. The anime Shin Chan made fun of this a bit. If this is indeed the case here(I don't know if it is or not) it's important to keep in mind that this is a cultural difference thing & at least not entirely due to her being greedy.

In regards to you having to get her phone, Does she have physical issues & is she very scatterbrained & forgetful in general? That sounds a bit like my gf & I'll admit that sometimes it does get very tiring & stressful for me but I try to keep in mind that I have my own issues as well & Cass does lots of things for me & our household like cooking, planing shopping trips, handling paperwork, & doing majority of the work to take care our pets.

Context matters way too much in this to make an informed comment.

If what she wants is completely reasonable and justifiable, then maybe you're just being a defiant jerk withholding whatever it is.

If she's being entirely unreasonable, then I would think it would be reasonable to disagree with her and not give her everything she wants - only what is reasonable; or nothing at all depending on her demands and attitude.

If you're both being stubborn and the solution lies somewhere in the middle and she hasn't proposed it, then it'd be big of you to suggest some middle ground to agree on and then move forward with vs. continue to hold your ground opposing her for the sake of opposing her.

etc.

Entirely depends on the situation and each of your positions in the argument of the moment.

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