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Increasing popularity of friends-first approach

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Mona Pereth
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18 Mar 2023, 11:58 pm

cyberdad wrote:
The line between simping and friendship is very blurry.

A friendship should be mutual. If it's just one person doing favors for the other, I guess that's what would be called "simping" these days?

cyberdad wrote:
It's like a nice warm bath. It's lovely to go in, but you need to know when to get out before you shrivel into an old lonely prune.,

??? Are you saying people should "get out" of any friendship that doesn't turn into a romance? Why??? People can have multiple friends, after all.


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cyberdad
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19 Mar 2023, 12:59 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
The line between simping and friendship is very blurry.

A friendship should be mutual. If it's just one person doing favors for the other, I guess that's what would be called "simping" these days?

cyberdad wrote:
It's like a nice warm bath. It's lovely to go in, but you need to know when to get out before you shrivel into an old lonely prune.,

??? Are you saying people should "get out" of any friendship that doesn't turn into a romance? Why??? People can have multiple friends, after all.


It's my philosophy that single cis-men should be cautious about being "friends" with single cis-females. I've looked at from every angle and after some time it doesn't really benefit either party. Unless both parties find each other sexually repulsive.

It also works the other way around. I have been friends with overweight females whom I had zero attraction to. Unfortunately over time they started showing me romantic interest and I had to break up the friendship,.



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19 Mar 2023, 1:15 am

cyberdad wrote:
The line between simping and friendship is very blurry. It's like a nice warm bath. It's lovely to go in, but you need to know when to get out before you shrivel into an old lonely prune.,


Now you tell me! 8O

Image



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19 Mar 2023, 1:17 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

cyberdad wrote:
It's like a nice warm bath. It's lovely to go in, but you need to know when to get out before you shrivel into an old lonely prune.,

??? Are you saying people should "get out" of any friendship that doesn't turn into a romance? Why??? People can have multiple friends, after all.


I believe I can answer that.
Yes...
That is what he is saying. 8)



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19 Mar 2023, 1:19 am

cyberdad wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
The line between simping and friendship is very blurry.

A friendship should be mutual. If it's just one person doing favors for the other, I guess that's what would be called "simping" these days?

cyberdad wrote:
It's like a nice warm bath. It's lovely to go in, but you need to know when to get out before you shrivel into an old lonely prune.,

??? Are you saying people should "get out" of any friendship that doesn't turn into a romance? Why??? People can have multiple friends, after all.


It's my philosophy that single cis-men should be cautious about being "friends" with single cis-females. I've looked at from every angle and after some time it doesn't really benefit either party. Unless both parties find each other sexually repulsive.

It also works the other way around. I have been friends with overweight females whom I had zero attraction to. Unfortunately over time they started showing me romantic interest and I had to break up the friendship,.


Erm... 8O



cyberdad
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19 Mar 2023, 1:21 am

I should point out I have female co-workers whom I am friends with (at least at work) but they are married so no risks.



Mona Pereth
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19 Mar 2023, 8:46 am

cyberdad wrote:
It's my philosophy that single cis-men should be cautious about being "friends" with single cis-females. I've looked at from every angle and after some time it doesn't really benefit either party. Unless both parties find each other sexually repulsive.

Why??? There can be lots of reasons, besides finding each other "sexually repulsive," why two people might get along as friends yet not be suitable as romantic partners. They might, for example, have incompatible daily household habits, yet be fine with talking to each other or participating together in shared recreational activities.

As for how such a friendship would "benefit" them, that varies a lot from one friendship to another. Every friendship is different.

If they happen to both be members of the same close-knit social group, it might be very inconvenient not to be friends, at least to some extent.

cyberdad wrote:
It also works the other way around. I have been friends with overweight females whom I had zero attraction to. Unfortunately over time they started showing me romantic interest and I had to break up the friendship,.

You couldn't have just set boundaries? Or maybe just asked them to take at least a few months' break from interacting with you until they got over any romantic feelings?

I agree that dealing with someone who has a romantic interest in you but not vice versa can be awkward, and I haven't been the best at handling such situations myself. But I don't see this as a reason to categorically refuse friendship a priori with any general class of people.


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 19 Mar 2023, 9:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

Mona Pereth
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19 Mar 2023, 8:59 am

cyberdad wrote:
I should point out I have female co-workers whom I am friends with (at least at work) but they are married so no risks.

It's "no risks" if both you and they are 100% scrupulous about not committing adultery, which not everyone is, of course.

But I'm not of the school of thought that says friendship should be "no risks" in the first place. Rather, I think it's better to be prepared to handle various risks if/when they may arise.


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uncommondenominator
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19 Mar 2023, 1:25 pm

cyberdad wrote:
The line between simping and friendship is very blurry.


Is it though? I've never found this to be the case.

Of course, plenty of factors specific to an individual can blur that line from their perspective, no matter how clear it may be for others. A distorted definition of "friendship", poor impulse control, poor emotional regulation, all-or-nothing ideology, unreasonable expectations, etc, could all cause an individual to find that line blurrier than it otherwise should be.



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19 Mar 2023, 2:06 pm

If nothing comes from the friendship, the problem isn’t the friendship; it’s probably more a lack of compatibility or chemistry than anything else.


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19 Mar 2023, 3:30 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
If nothing comes from the friendship, the problem isn’t the friendship; it’s probably more a lack of compatibility or chemistry than anything else.


Or lack of interest in one party



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19 Mar 2023, 3:36 pm

uncommondenominator wrote:
Of course, plenty of factors specific to an individual can blur that line from their perspective, no matter how clear it may be for others. A distorted definition of "friendship", poor impulse control, poor emotional regulation, all-or-nothing ideology, unreasonable expectations, etc, could all cause an individual to find that line blurrier than it otherwise should be.


I'll make it simple, I'm talking about one on one single cis-M + cis-F friends where one finds the other attractive but the other doesn't.

Sure! the one who finds the other attractive can practice impulse control and regulate their emotion for years. The problem happens when that person either a) doesn't have sex for long periods of time or b) does find a partner but maintains the friendship with the other person creating other conflicts of interest.

In the case of scenario a), unless you have the power of a grand master of a buddhist monastery the frustration builds over time. What makes it worse if the female (or male) chooses to stoke the fires purely to benefit themselves because they like the friendship and lead the other person along.



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19 Mar 2023, 3:40 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
You couldn't have just set boundaries? Or maybe just asked them to take at least a few months' break from interacting with you until they got over any romantic feelings?.


I at least did make it crystal clear in the end, I only regretted it on one occasion when a woman whom I did get along with couldn't process that I did not want to reciprocate her feelings. One of the issues was she was much younger than me and probably still immature.



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19 Mar 2023, 3:42 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Why??? There can be lots of reasons, besides finding each other "sexually repulsive," why two people might get along as friends yet not be suitable as romantic partners. They might, for example, have incompatible daily household habits, yet be fine with talking to each other or participating together in shared recreational activities.


I think the only way it might work is if it's part of a social group/peers. Then there is a buffer between you and the other party and you aren't stuck spending hours alone with the person whom you are sexually attracted to but who does not reciprocate or worse sends mixed signals.



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19 Mar 2023, 4:48 pm

I can see this. The first and second person I ever dated were friends of friends, and in both instances we started texting only to have our first date several months afterward.



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19 Mar 2023, 5:24 pm

cyberdad wrote:
The line between simping and friendship is very blurry. It's like a nice warm bath. It's lovely to go in, but you need to know when to get out before you shrivel into an old lonely prune.,

..No? It's not?

Maybe in your experience but you can have very clear boundaries set up and know that you're just being nice for the sake of being nice, and not having anything romantic attached to you.


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