Increasing popularity of friends-first approach
I think what this illustrates is why gameification that exists in relationships in general. A person who doesn't feel attractive themselves might actually click with a prospective partner once they get to know each other. But here's the thing, People play games. They take things to the brink and/or conceal their true feelings.
A wholesome relationship is cultivated over time and it helps to have common interests and passions.
One minor caveat with "friends-first" is to take care with getting "friend-zoned" which easily happens.
Doesn't that simply mean there isn't a "spark" in the relationship and there was never going to be romance?
Yes, one needs something to light the spark....
BTW, Will you EVER get over her?
There's an important psychological factor in attraction which is that the woman usually knows fairly quickly whether you are dateable or not. The trick is having that insight to understand whether you actually passed that first test.
One thing the friendzone does provide an opportunity is for a man to persuade his female friend he is "worthy" of dating, but I think this should happen reasonably quickly and not after being friendzoned for several years. At a certain point you then become a male "handbag" or merely emotional support to prop up her self-esteem.
Or, dare I say it, a friend.
techstepgenr8tion
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Gender: Male
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The trouble with voluntarily becoming a beta orbiter is you're telling her that you're perfectly okay with sticking around with high likelihood that whatever value you're providing her won't be reciprocated. That message in and of itself, in most cases, seems like it should void any respect she would have had for you.
That said - it's one thing if a girl is just really cool and you wanted to hang with her on that account (rare but I suppose it happens), completely different IMHO if you actually have other intentions.
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Then you have added fuel to the argument that women should be more upfront with their intentions. There is an Alanis Morrisette song (yes apologies in advance I am showing my age) where she sings about "you have already won me over" where a man is oblivious to the fact that she already fell in love with him. He continues trying when infact he doesn't have to.
I actually don't consider that to be good advice, at least not beyond a certain point. I think expressing a little basic curiosity about other people's interests is fine, but not trying to deceive the person into believing that you actually share the interest, if in fact you don't.
Interesting that you see it as "deception".
There are ALWAYS compromises or "give and take" in relationships.
Do you agree with EVERYTHING your partner says and does?
You make "sacrifices", and hopefully, your partner goes out of their way for you too.
Your focus is on THEIR enjoyment/emotional-wellbeing, and THAT in itself gives you pleasure.
The pursuit of a connection often entails "work".
"Going the extra mile", and "the whole nine yards", can/does also mean you like the person and are not simply trying to get into their pants.
It is simply a question of INTENT.
I actually don't consider that to be good advice, at least not beyond a certain point. I think expressing a little basic curiosity about other people's interests is fine, but not trying to deceive the person into believing that you actually share the interest, if in fact you don't.
.
I don't think NTs take it that extreme, I think Pepe's advice is sort of 'compromise'.
BINGO!
I...can't...control...myself. <agony>
The joke MUST come forth:
I think what this illustrates is why gameification that exists in relationships in general. A person who doesn't feel attractive themselves might actually click with a prospective partner once they get to know each other. But here's the thing, People play games. They take things to the brink and/or conceal their true feelings.
And THAT is why it is better to be friends first.
I actually don't consider that to be good advice, at least not beyond a certain point. I think expressing a little basic curiosity about other people's interests is fine, but not trying to deceive the person into believing that you actually share the interest, if in fact you don't.
Interesting that you see it as "deception".
There are ALWAYS compromises or "give and take" in relationships.
Do you agree with EVERYTHING your partner says and does?
You make "sacrifices", and hopefully, your partner goes out of their way for you too.
Your focus is on THEIR enjoyment/emotional-wellbeing, and THAT in itself gives you pleasure.
The pursuit of a connection often entails "work".
"Going the extra mile", and "the whole nine yards", can/does also mean you like the person and are not simply trying to get into their pants.
It is simply a question of INTENT.
Simply trying to please one's partner, or the person one is courting, is not deceptive. Whether it is "deceptive" depends on whether there is a significant difference between your claimed motive and your actual motive. Here I posted an example of what I do consider to be deception in this regard. As I wrote there:
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The_Face_of_Boo
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I actually don't consider that to be good advice, at least not beyond a certain point. I think expressing a little basic curiosity about other people's interests is fine, but not trying to deceive the person into believing that you actually share the interest, if in fact you don't.
Interesting that you see it as "deception".
There are ALWAYS compromises or "give and take" in relationships.
Do you agree with EVERYTHING your partner says and does?
You make "sacrifices", and hopefully, your partner goes out of their way for you too.
Your focus is on THEIR enjoyment/emotional-wellbeing, and THAT in itself gives you pleasure.
The pursuit of a connection often entails "work".
"Going the extra mile", and "the whole nine yards", can/does also mean you like the person and are not simply trying to get into their pants.
It is simply a question of INTENT.
Simply trying to please one's partner, or the person one is courting, is not deceptive. Whether it is "deceptive" depends on whether there is a significant difference between your claimed motive and your actual motive. Here I posted an example of what I do consider to be deception in this regard. As I wrote there:
In the modern days they call this behavior “simping”; it means when one (usually the man) pretends to say or do everything the other one wants or likes to hear (usually the woman) just as an attempt to make them fall for them.
I actually don't consider that to be good advice, at least not beyond a certain point. I think expressing a little basic curiosity about other people's interests is fine, but not trying to deceive the person into believing that you actually share the interest, if in fact you don't.
Interesting that you see it as "deception".
There are ALWAYS compromises or "give and take" in relationships.
Do you agree with EVERYTHING your partner says and does?
You make "sacrifices", and hopefully, your partner goes out of their way for you too.
Your focus is on THEIR enjoyment/emotional-wellbeing, and THAT in itself gives you pleasure.
The pursuit of a connection often entails "work".
"Going the extra mile", and "the whole nine yards", can/does also mean you like the person and are not simply trying to get into their pants.
It is simply a question of INTENT.
Simply trying to please one's partner, or the person one is courting, is not deceptive. Whether it is "deceptive" depends on whether there is a significant difference between your claimed motive and your actual motive. Here I posted an example of what I do consider to be deception in this regard. As I wrote there:
In the modern days they call this behavior “simping”; it means when one (usually the man) pretends to say or do everything the other one wants or likes to hear (usually the woman) just as an attempt to make them fall for them.
I will keep this short.
I don't "simp".
A wholesome relationship is cultivated over time and it helps to have common interests and passions.
One minor caveat with "friends-first" is to take care with getting "friend-zoned" which easily happens.
Doesn't that simply mean there isn't a "spark" in the relationship and there was never going to be romance?
Yes, one needs something to light the spark....
BTW, Will you EVER get over her?
Yeah I have, but it's a cautionary tale
For reference purposes, here is my comment on a different thread addressing more or less the same topic, also Mona was involved. This comment seemed to kill the thread BTW even though there is one additional comment which is a response to something somebody else said earlier:
https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=410919&p=9219690#p9219690
At least Mona didn't seem to have anything to say in response.
I posted some belated replies in the other thread just now.
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