Dating apps/websites - how to target girls with autism?

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CloudSea
Tufted Titmouse
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26 Aug 2023, 6:42 am

Asking for a dear friend. No, really.

So I have a friend I strongly suspect is autistic (he's worse than me, and I've been diagnosed).

He's also a lonely heart, poor soul. I could be wrong, but I strongly suspect he needs a mate who's also autistic. From what I've observed, he's hitting a wall on the dating scene - all the girls are saying 'no thanks' by the third date, and he's starting to despair :( . Hence the 'like attracts like' theory.

Brains trust, please help me help him.

Here's my question(s):

How can he approach online dating in a way that leads him to the available ASD gals out there? Is it criteria? profile? etc?
(Apologies, I have no experience with online dating (not really a thing for my generation) so please explain your solutions as if I were your grandma :wink: )

One thing to note is that he doesn't want to believe he's autistic. But I guess he doesn't have to, for this exercise?

Thanks in advance :idea:


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TwilightPrincess
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26 Aug 2023, 6:48 am

The title is throwing me for a loop: “how to target girls with autism.” 8-O

At any rate, many on here struggle or have struggled with dating.

Women are less likely to use dating apps than men are according to statistics. It might be related, in part, to safety concerns, so that complicates things. Some still find partners this way, though.

If he’s not diagnosed with autism and doesn’t believe he is autistic, I’m not sure that pursuing autistic women specifically is a great idea. Otherwise, I’d suggest joining an in-person autism group or online forum. I’d say, though, that most on here with partners didn’t limit their search to people with autism exclusively.

Has he already tried dating apps or something else? Do you know what is currently in his dating profile if he uses dating apps?


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26 Aug 2023, 10:49 pm

If he's in denial about his autism that's probably part of the reason he's having trouble with dates. Not only does he not know how to manage his issues he lacks self-awareness.

Best bet is a dating site/app that places more emphasis on profiles and less on photos.

Beyond that: you should be able to tell from the profile if the person is neurodivergent, or at least on an unusual wavelength. How? If you don't know it when you see it you're wasting your time trying.

No matter where you go the odds are very much not in your favor because only about 1% of women are ND.



CloudSea
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27 Aug 2023, 7:16 am

Hey, thanks for the responses, guys. Anyone else with something helpful they can add, that's most welcome :D

To be honest (which is what we ASDers do :wink: ) I have wondered whether his misery in romance is partly self-inflicted because he doesn't want to acknowledge his autism and therefore work with it on the dating scene, rather than against it. But I guess that's something we all have capacity to do - be our own worst enemy...

Look, I get it that ASDers shouldn't necessarily confine themselves to other ASDers for romantic partners. For instance, my husband is also neurodiverse, just not of the ASD type :wink: . But yeah, all power to those ASDers who can be in happy, fulfilling relationships with NT people :D

It's just that my friend - we'll call him Alan - is just not getting any luck with NT girls. So I'm trying (and hey, I may fail) to gently nudge him in the direction of ASD girls. My thinking is that most of them would at least tolerate his intelligent extended ramblings, bluntness, sheer rationality, disregard of many social niceties (not to mention his quirks) because they themselves do similar things. And perhaps one - even just one - will appreciate them... I can vouch that he's a good guy. Just rough around the edges :wink:

Yeah, he may have more luck in in-person ASD meetings but until he acknowledges that he's on the spectrum, that particular solution is for further down the track :?

You raise a valid point about knowing what's on Alan's profile. I don't know, I'm not close to him to that extent, sorry. But you've given me an idea. If he lets me, I'll see if I can provide feedback to him about what he should put there. About the bluntness and the hyper-rationality, for instance. If it's anything different to what he's already put, it'll at least save him some time (and disappointment) by turning away those girls who don't value ASD traits.

Wish me luck, guys :heart:
Stay safe!


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27 Aug 2023, 7:55 am

^ I’m not sure he needs to acknowledge that he’s on the spectrum since he’s not been evaluated and may not have it. He could just have traits. Until he’s diagnosed, it’s pretty much up to him how he identifies. Most of us lack the qualifications to diagnose people. Most of us who’ve been diagnosed underwent extensive testing.

If he doesn’t want to identify as autistic, it’s probably not a great idea to try to set him up with autistic women. It seems like he might think autism is a bad thing. Of course, maybe it’s just that he thinks he doesn’t have it due to the fact that he’s not been diagnosed.

Even if he dated someone on the spectrum, he may want to work on his social skills because some could still be put off by bluntness or a disregard for social niceties depending on the extent of his behavior. Also, not everyone on the spectrum is the same. Not every NT is the same. I’ve known some blunt NTs. In any case, targeting autistic women reads a bit creepy for someone who does not believe they have autism and who has not been diagnosed.

Hopefully, he wants to attract “women,” not “girls.”


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27 Aug 2023, 10:20 am

^ A lot of people describe women as girls.

The word 'girl' is even embedded in words like 'girlfriend', even though girlfriend can just be slang for a man's unmarried, female partner.



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27 Aug 2023, 10:23 am

^ I find it somewhat demeaning and infantilizing, especially in this context.

People say boyfriend, but they wouldn’t normally say: “Dating Apps/Websites - How to Target Boys with Autism.”

or:

“It's just that my friend is just not getting any luck with NT boys. So I'm trying (and hey, I may fail) to gently nudge him [or her] in the direction of ASD boys.”


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27 Aug 2023, 10:38 am

Hmmm... Sorry not liking the Title of the thread...regardless of the intent ..title does not make me comfortable :(


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27 Aug 2023, 10:57 am

Jakki wrote:
Hmmm... Sorry not liking the Title of the thread...regardless of the intent ..title does not make me comfortable :(

It probably doesn’t help that some of us have been targeted in some way.

In any event, it would be really strange for the man in the OP to seek autistic women specifically when “he doesn’t want to believe he’s autistic” and has never been diagnosed.

As someone with diagnosed autism, I wouldn’t restrict myself to dating men on the spectrum. It could, possibly, be nice if it happened, but ASD/NT relationships can work, too. I dated one person on the spectrum. Although it didn’t work out, I see how it could with the right person.


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27 Aug 2023, 12:04 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
^ I find it somewhat demeaning and infantilizing, especially in this context.

People say boyfriend, but they wouldn’t normally say: “Dating Apps/Websites - How to Target Boys with Autism.”

or:

“It's just that my friend is just not getting any luck with NT boys. So I'm trying (and hey, I may fail) to gently nudge him [or her] in the direction of ASD boys.”


Yes, the term boyfriend is common too in my geographical area. I don't think it is a slight against women or men or is supposed to be demeaning or infantilising, but I accept that this could be the case based on a given context.

The thread title does seem a bit odd, but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, unless someone proves themselves untrustworthy to me.



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27 Aug 2023, 12:06 pm

^ Girl and boy are different from girlfriend and boyfriend. Those words carry different connotations.

None of my comments addressed the title solely. I’ve talked about the content of the OP quite a bit. I’ve tried to make it clear why I think pursuing autistic women specifically is a bad idea for the man in question.


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27 Aug 2023, 12:14 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
^ Girl and boy are different from girlfriend and boyfriend. Those words carry different connotations.


True. I did point out that the words are separate and mentioned specifically that the world 'girl' is embedded in girlfriend.

TwilightPrincess wrote:
None of my comments addressed the title solely. I’ve talked about the content of the OP quite a bit. I’ve tried to make it clear why I think pursuing autistic women specifically is a bad idea for the man in question.


My previous comment that addressed the thread title, was in response to the specific part of your previous comment that also mentioned the thread title.

I wasn't trying to insinuate anything else about any of your other posts.



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27 Aug 2023, 3:45 pm

With a Tricoder: If you are getting unusual readings from the girl in question.



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27 Aug 2023, 3:46 pm

I wonder if the tricorder would pick up fart smells?



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27 Aug 2023, 3:54 pm

^ Most importantly, watch out for suspicious…eggs.



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27 Aug 2023, 3:58 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
With a Tricoder: If you are getting unusual readings from the girl in question.


Mine is broken.


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