SO broke up with me, but now won't stop messaging me

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Rhapsody
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17 Oct 2023, 11:14 pm

This got kinda long and I'm sorry. My "how do I deal with my hot and cold boyfriend" post quickly turned into...this when he dumped me on Sunday. I thought maybe the background info would help?
TL:DR My first boyfriend broke up with me and now he won't stop messaging me and I don't know what to do about it. Advice definitely wanted. Thanks <3


I met this guy on a DC Comics fan forum maybe ten years ago and we've been friends ever since. About a year ago we changed from being friends to being something more. I hesitated to call it dating, because we're long distance and only spent a day together in person before his anxiety became too much and he had to leave, but it was exclusive and had the sexual aspects and emotional attachments of dating. So basically dating? That's the easiest way to explain it.

Anyway, it started off with us talking every day and spending time together. We'd watch stuff, play games, etc. I assume that's normal dating stuff? This was my first experience with anything remotely like it. Then it suddenly all stopped. We went from hanging out maybe 10-15 hours a week to hanging out 1-3 if I was lucky. I was really confused and asked why it had changed and if we could spend more time together again and he snapped at me that I couldn't take up all his time. But I wasn't? I was getting less time a week than his D&D group.

He did eventually explain that he snapped at me and pulled away because he'd become obsessed with me to the point of it being detrimental. Like always on his mind, when we weren't talking or hanging out he was thinking of things to say or do, and he was becoming burnt out because of it. So even though I wasn't actually getting any time, I was still taking up the time? Or something. I agreed that it was a good thing he pulled back, because that wasn't healthy, but that we were spending even less time then when we'd been casual friends. So he tried to figure out a way to consistently give me time and it almost worked for a few months but I got really frustrated when he'd say we could spend time together and then it never happened. Which was fairly often. To the point I stopped believing him.

Then this summer he basically ghosted me. I'd message him regularly and he'd sometimes reply, but it wasn't super often and usually stilted. I figured he needed space again so I didn't complain until he suddenly started messaging me in August (while he was bored at a wedding he had to travel for) and explained that he'd become entrenched in a new obsession, Warhammer 40k, and spent the entire summer building tiny armies and obsessing over their paint jobs being perfect or whatever until he burnt out again. We hung out a couple times after that and I thought it was basically back to...normal?

Until my birthday. He pretty much ignored me on my birthday because I apparently said something a day or two before that "gut punched" him because I made him think that I thought he didn't care about me? I honestly didn't get it, and I'm still a little sour about it because for his birthday I made him two gifts and let him choose what we did the whole month and I could barely get him to talk to me on mine.

We didn't hang out much after that. Maybe once or twice more. Most of his time was taken up playing games with his friends, and he talked at me a lot about Warhammer. Which is fine. I'm autistic. He's undiagnosed not? I get info dumping but I didn't feel like I was allowed to talk about the things I wanted to talk about, things we used to play together, because all of a sudden they gave him anxiety? So it was that awful one sided info dumping.

Then last week I got laid off at work. I loved my job and I had a really great team so I was pretty upset about it. On Friday, my last day, he was messaging me about this pre-assembled and pre-painted army that he got in the mail. He made a joke that getting them premade would mean that we'd have more time to spend together, and I was already in a bad mood so I sarcastically said that I'd believe that when it happened and he got mad at me for it. He was really upset that he'd "poked me loads of times to do stuff" (loads = 3?) and he'd put off painting models so he'd be around if I needed him (something I did not ask him to do - I learned not to ask for anything after he snapped at me a few times) and that he was sad that "we've reached the point that he can try harder and it doesn't matter."

I was so mad at him I turned my phone off for the rest of the morning and went back to bed. Which, I'll admit, was a little childish. Later that afternoon I turned on my phone to a whole string of messages and I was absolutely baffled that he can think I'm mad at him and therefore not message me at all on my birthday, but on the day I got laid off he thinks I'm mad at him so he...messages me constantly? I still don't understand it.

I didn't talk to him on the following Saturday because I didn't wanna inadvertently ruin his brother's birthday or his D&D night. So Sunday I explained to him that I was tired of being complained at for being difficult when I tried so hard to be as compliant and understanding as possible, and that I shouldn't need to praise him for basic things like attempted scheduling or talking to me, and that the inconsistency of him running hot and cold confused me, and that I just didn't think our relationship was sustainable like this.

So he said, "Okay, I'll give up."

Which is a breakup? I thought it was a breakup. It sounds like a breakup? I cried like it was a breakup. It seemed pretty final when he was all like, "Thanks for giving me some hope that somebody could actually like me." That sounds like a goodbye?

But now he won't stop messaging me. I don't know what to do about it. He broke up with me? Right? Am I supposed to message him back? Ignore him? I told him I needed space, and I couldn't give him an answer on if we could go back to being friends, because I wasn't going to make that decision while I was upset. But he's messaged me every day since we broke up. I don't know what to do. This was my first relationship, and my first breakup, and I am super out of my depth so any advice would be appreciated.



nick007
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18 Oct 2023, 2:23 am

It sounds to me like your relationship became one-sided & he's being very hypocritical. He's either extremely confused & unsure of what he wants or he's intentionally being a huge jerk. Either way you derseve to be with someone who's going to make you a priority & try to compromise for you like you would for them. I also do not buy his explanation about him needing space because he's getting burnt out at the exact same time he's still very obsessed. That seems like an oxymoron :? My advice would be to tell him not to contact you & then block him.


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rse92
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18 Oct 2023, 8:48 am

No woman with any self respect would have anything to do with this blooming idiot. Block him and move on.

EDIT: I understand from elsewhere on the board that my response should have been "No person with any self respect would have anything to do with this blooming idiot." That in fact may be a truthful statement, but i think it lacks something appropriate to your personal situation.



Rhapsody
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18 Oct 2023, 2:03 pm

Thank you both!

Is that how this works? Where if you have a friendship and try for a romantic relationship and it fails you break all contact? Because it's not possible to go back? Or is it because of what he did that you're both suggesting that?

I'm still not sure what to do. I don't want to punish him for having disabilities, because I wouldn't want someone to punish me for being autistic, but I guess it's a fine line between being understanding and being a pushover? And you're right, Nick. Some of the stuff he's complained about don't really make sense...but I also don't have severe anxiety and depression so I don't know.



rse92
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18 Oct 2023, 3:42 pm

A person can be depressed and have anxiety and still be manipulative, controlling, mean, belittling, callous, noncommittal, and abusive. All of which this fellow is. You have described nothing about him that is remotely attractive. Run, don't walk, and have nothing to do with him.

A man who values his time playing, obsessing over video games over time spent with you is no catch. Some folks don't want to hear this, but at some point a man has to give up childish things.



Rhapsody
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18 Oct 2023, 11:29 pm

rse92 wrote:
A person can be depressed and have anxiety and still be manipulative, controlling, mean, belittling, callous, noncommittal, and abusive. All of which this fellow is. You have described nothing about him that is remotely attractive. Run, don't walk, and have nothing to do with him.

A man who values his time playing, obsessing over video games over time spent with you is no catch. Some folks don't want to hear this, but at some point a man has to give up childish things.

Okay, thank you! You're right. I agree with the descriptor you bolded. Though I'm having more trouble seeing the other things. Time might help.

It wasn't the gaming that was the issue? I think it was his inability to regulate and his unwillingness to try? Which is a disability thing?