I'm scared to go to another one of his parties but...

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CookiesNCream101
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03 Oct 2023, 3:50 am

I'm feeling anxious about attending another one of his parties, but I want to spend time with this guy I reconnected with from my childhood. He reached out to me last year, and I didn't notice his friend request for about 6 months. However, as soon as I accepted it, he started talking. Interestingly, he reacts differently to my messages, like adding heart reactions to my simple messages, and I do it back sometimes to reciprocate, showing that I enjoy talking to him and to express interest. This is something that guys have rarely ever done with me before, even ones who like me.

Initially, I wasn't sure how I felt about him, partly due to past negative experiences with other guys and I have trouble noticing if someone likes me unless they're very forward, so I might have missed alot of his signals of interest, like when he told me I could come down to his workplace to buy some stuff anytime I'd like. He quickly invited me to go to a bar with him and his friends, so I took that as a friend zone, but I'm not sure if he just wanted to see me since it had been years since we last saw each other. Also, it's worth mentioning that I have minimal dating experience, having only dated two guys in the past, one of whom was abusive, and the other I wasn't initially interested in, which took me a while to realize we were going on dates.

What makes this situation more complex is that he had a crush on me during our childhood, something I only noticed when my friends pointed it out. This added layer of history and feelings adds to my certainty that he might still like me but at the same time he hasn't seen me for a couple of years.

A few months passed, and I suggested playing video games since we both enjoyed them, but there seemed to be a misunderstanding. He wanted to play games in person, while I preferred online. I made excuses about being busy, and then he mentioned he was traveling soon and invited me to his party, which I accepted.

At the party, I observed several things he did that left me feeling unsure about his intentions. For instance:
- When I arrived at the party, he asked if I could handle his drinking and smoking, which surprised me since he never mentioned smoking before and had told me he wasn't drinking.
- He made strong eye contact with me while smirking when I first arrived, and I reciprocated because I was genuinely happy to see him after so long.
- He offered me a drink, but I declined as a non-drinker, so he got me water.
- He offered me his cigar, but I declined due to my history of asthma.
- Compliments were exchanged about earrings and stud piercings.
- He seemed distant when one of his long-time male friends talked to me for a while, and he moved to the other side of the party. It felt like he might have been jealous. At this point I thought he wasn't interested in me anymore or disliked me, and I felt extremely uncomfortable being left alone with people I didn't know apart from his long-time male friend who also went to my primary school.
- He drank more excessively and hugged other women, including those in relationships, and gave them sweets & snacks, especially his single female friend who I was talking to for most of the party. (I think he was trying to make me jealous)
- He asked for multiple hugs from me, which I awkwardly agreed to.
- He asked a flirtatious question: "Have you ever heard me scream?" I replied with a confused "No," not realizing he was flirting until my sister pointed it out later a home.
- He frequently appeared close to me, sometimes startling me but I laughed it off since I didn't mind him being close to me.
- He expressed a desire to play video games at my place again, but I was question why But he didn't give me a clear answer, and he knows my mum lives with me, and he doesn't mind that she would be there looming over us when I told him how that might turn out.
- I accidentally revealed financial information about my family, and he asked about my source of income, which I explained as having worked at a bank. He brushed it off, suggesting I had saved up money.
- When I left the party, since it was late and he was so drunk, he pleaded with me to contact him when I got home, which I agreed to, and naively agreed to playing video games with him in person later.

Despite these mixed signals and my own mixed signals I accidentally gave out, my own challenges due to a high possibility of a neurodivergent condition, and my diagnosed mental disorders such as anxiety and depression, my discomfort around unfamiliar people, and my tendency to avoid guys who are very forward, he is returning from travels this week and invited me to another one of his parties. I want to give him a second chance. How should I approach this situation to ensure a more comfortable and clear interaction at his next party?



nick007
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03 Oct 2023, 5:30 am

You two seem to be having lots of misunderstandings so I think you should try being direct with him & telling him your interested in him as more than a friend or you give up on the idea of being more than his friend.


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MaxE
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03 Oct 2023, 5:47 am

You should explain that you're on the autism spectrum and can't enjoy that sort of thing. He probably thinks he's doing you a favor by inviting you to that sort of party.


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blitzkrieg
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03 Oct 2023, 6:18 am

It does sound like he is interested in you by what you have described. Alternatively, and in my opinion less likely, he simply wants to have a 'plus 1' at his parties, to make him seem more popular, especially if he thinks you like him.

It really depends on his personality, his intentions/motives, which we don't know about.



CookiesNCream101
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03 Oct 2023, 8:34 am

nick007 wrote:
You two seem to be having lots of misunderstandings so I think you should try being direct with him & telling him your interested in him as more than a friend or you give up on the idea of being more than his friend.


I wish I could do that, but I'm so anxious and can't muster up the courage to ask him about his intentions.
I wouldn't know where to start even if I wanted to...Although maybe I could if there was a subtle way to do it, where I don't end up embaressing myself or risking an anxiety attack.



CookiesNCream101
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03 Oct 2023, 8:42 am

MaxE wrote:
You should explain that you're on the autism spectrum and can't enjoy that sort of thing. He probably thinks he's doing you a favor by inviting you to that sort of party.

"Every time I told a friend about my conditions, they treated me differently and, in some cases, even stopped being friends with me. However, I did tell him about my anxiety after his last party, which is the mildest but still pretty bad of all my conditions I have."



CookiesNCream101
Tufted Titmouse
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03 Oct 2023, 8:47 am

blitzkrieg wrote:
It does sound like he is interested in you by what you have described. Alternatively, and in my opinion less likely, he simply wants to have a 'plus 1' at his parties, to make him seem more popular, especially if he thinks you like him.

It really depends on his personality, his intentions/motives, which we don't know about.


Okay, well, I'm glad I haven't been misreading the whole situation too much. I also feel like he plays 'games' a bit, like if I take too long to reply (I'm bad at messaging people on time; I sometimes take hours or days to reply back to someone), he will do the same next time and keep at it. To the point where we end up messaging once a week or sometimes twice a week, but he was traveling, so there's that too.