Can't conceive of serial monogamy

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Fnord
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22 Nov 2023, 6:52 am

Stalk wrote:
Females in a group synchronise their cycle.
Debunked as unproven, rooted in scientific research that is increasingly seen as flawed, and is likely an artifact of human bias and statistical coincidence.

Read why  HERE .


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22 Nov 2023, 6:58 am

Serial (life-long) monogamy happens.  So does serial adultery -- having only one sex partner at a time, but many sex partners over time.

There was a joke going around a few years ago, and I forget who started it . . .

"People who are concerned about same-sex marriage should consider the fact that after a few years, sex is always the same, no matter whom you marry!"

Just thought I'd toss that in here.


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22 Nov 2023, 7:20 am

Whether 2 partners in a relationship remain friends after, or just have amicable relations that don't reach the level of actual friendship, depends entirely on the nature of the relationship and how it ended.


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22 Nov 2023, 6:02 pm

bee33 wrote:
Although some people only have one partner their whole life, the most common way for humans to have partners is serial monogamy. They have a relationship, it ends (after a short or long time) and then that relationship is completely over and the two people often don't even stay in touch, or if they have to because they have kids, it's often uncomfortable, and then they just move on to another relationship, and maybe that one too will end, and they move on to another.

If people don't stay in touch after the relationship, why did Elaine and Jerry remain friends after their relationship ended?


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Lost_dragon
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23 Nov 2023, 8:22 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Lost_dragon wrote:
Personally, in my peer group it's not unusual to remain friends with exes. However, some distance is expected (such as moving out of an ex's place or looking to move out, and being friends rather than best friends).

I'm aware that this is somewhat unusual though and there's still an expectation that you can't be friends with exes in most groups. With people assuming that if you have any contact with an ex then you're about one step away from getting back together. I think it's possible to be friends with an ex.

In my experience, this varies by subculture.

In my experience, staying friends with exes seems to be more common among lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals than among heterosexuals.

But even among heterosexuals, it is not unheard of. For example, among the people I know, I'm aware of at least two divorced heterosexual couples that stayed friends for the sake of their children, for whom they had a joint custody arrangement.


Yeah, I agree. I've noticed this as well. My friend group is mostly gay and bisexual women and straight men. I do know a straight guy who remained friends with his ex. However, I do see this less often. It was a bit odd when he joked about me having a chance with his ex since she's bisexual. To which I rolled my eyes. We all used to have a spot where we'd all hang out but it's since shut down. I need to find some new places. That's another topic entirely though.


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28 Nov 2023, 10:42 pm

FleaOfTheChill wrote:
I have multiple children. I never loved my oldest less when my next child came along and so on. Care for one person doesn't somehow take away or deplete my ability to care for another. I think it's crazy that people seem to think it does.


What happens when you have to choose between one or the other?

I remember about two decades ago this topic came up in a conversation with friends one night. Out of 20 or so people I could classify as "friends" at the time I had little difficulty in ranking them in order of preference. That order wasn't set in stone, but at that point in my life it was who meant more to me.

Even today, I have four people I consider close friends and I can easily rank then from "least best" to "most best." I can easily rank my dozen or so coworkers in terms of most liked to least liked.



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28 Nov 2023, 10:45 pm

Stalk wrote:
Females in a group synchronise their cycle. Or in other words, some female's cycle changes, while one will not. The one who doesn't is the alpha female. When the alpha female is ovulating, all the other females have to be ready to mate. So by nature's design, the alpha female chooses the alpha male. When she is ready all of them should be ready so that they can all conceive at the same time.

As much as we would like to think we are human, monogamy was never in our animalistic design. So alpha male couldn't even be monogamous even if they tried. That leaves all the non alpha males at the bottom of the food chain. I'm sad for both male and female. Males if not alpha will forever be at the bottom and lower ranking females will forever be toeing the line of the alpha female.


Even if we assume your assertions about synced cycles and alpha males is accurate, you're making the assumption that primitive biological urges is what we should follow.

"Human nature" is something to be smashed with a hammer.



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28 Nov 2023, 11:20 pm

I'm still friends with most of my 'attempted exes' and actual exes. Admittedly, none of them involved years of cohabitation, much less marriage or kids. Also, I'm demisexual, which means just about all my attempt relationships are layered on top of strong friendships. There are two exes I'm not friends with anymore. One slowly went crazy after we broke up (for reasons unrelated to the breakup; she's got something undiagnosed I'm sure). The other lives on the opposite side of the country and, after we broke up, I was unhappy with the direction they were taking their life so I quietly unfriended her on Facebook.

I absolutely still love one of my exes and remain very good friends with them. In fact, in almost a decade literally the only arguments we've ever had are about her unwillingness to date me, despite our extremely strong connection. However, I accept that she's never going to date me again. I have an attempted relationship with someone else that seems soon to reach fruition. If it does, I have no doubts or qualms about remaining faithful to my new partner, no matter what my old flame might do.

I don't think monogamy means only loving one person at a time and no one else, just that you are completely faithful to your current significant other and forsake any romantic relations with everyone else. No cheating or wishing you could cheat.

FWIW the internet defines "serial monogamy" as someone who is perpetually in a relationship. They're not cheating (always starting your next relationship before ending your current relationship would be serial adultery), but rather they find someone new very quickly after a breakup. I can't imagine doing that myself because it would be too emotionally exhausting. I don't have the emotional energy to pursue multiple women at once and any form of relationship failure (getting turned down by a prospective partner, lousy first date with a prospective partner, relationship breakup) leaves me emotionally drained.

An open relationship is unthinkable for me; it has no appeal and I don't have the emotional energy if it did.

I find it hard to imagine a poly relationship. Certainly not searching for a third person to bring into an existing relationship; at that point what I would actually be looking for is a reason to end my current relationship. Maybe some kind of extraordinary scenario involving both of us becoming very emotionally close to a mutual friend over time.

MaxE wrote:
Whether 2 partners in a relationship remain friends after, or just have amicable relations that don't reach the level of actual friendship, depends entirely on the nature of the relationship and how it ended.


Very much this. People rarely remain friends after their romantic relationship ends because lots of romantic relationships have ugly breakups. Abuse, fighting, and especially cheating. It's hard to remain friends with someone that has revealed themselves to be a crazy and/or scummy person.

I have known people who remained friends with their exes because the marriage ended out of mutual disinterest rather than something ugly. A coworker was even explaining recently that despite the really ugly divorce that ended her second marriage, she and her third husband are now on friendly terms with her second husband. They even peacefully spent Thanksgiving together.



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29 Nov 2023, 6:51 am

"Serial Monogamy" does seem to be a varied experience. I suppose it fits my quite limited relationship experience, mostly, but with some caveats.

I think I've been much more fortunate than many, in that none of my relationships have dissolved into full-on acrimony. I am still in touch with all of my exes, and with some, to a fairly deep degree of emotional connection. Even the women that I never ended up meeting in person are, in most cases, still in touch to varying degrees.

I can't even imagine what it's like to completely cut off all mental ties to an ex, unless, as some here have said, there was a high degree of trauma endured during the relationship. Certainly, there have been LONG periods with little or no contact with my exes, but they were never "gone" from my thoughts, and I would often encounter something in my life that made me wish I could talk to one of them about it, given that I knew it would be of interest to her.

I'm at a point now where I'm back in semi-regular contact with most of them, and this feels "good", though I harbor no illusions about any of them really wanting me back in their lives to any great extent.

There were two relationships that were to some degree "open", but in both cases, I did not fully exploit this "freedom" that we had mutually arranged. I have no doubt that I am inherently Poly, but in a VERY limited way that I don't really understand, given that the extent of my experience in this realm was to have some overlap in the emotional connection to my 3rd and 4th girlfriends, but NOT in being "with" them both, as I did not meet #4 in person until some months after #3 and I split. Both were aware of each other's existence, and #3 was (at the time) full-on Poly, and #4 had only had one long-ago, brief experience with this idea, and was not really on board with Polyamory. So, a few weeks after #4 and I met, and we moved past "friends" to whatever it was that we were for the next 13+ years, she called her then sort-of-boyfriend to break up with him before she'd move on to a higher level with me.

Our culture still has a LONG way to go to make legal and moral room for the countless ways in which humans can connect with each other, emotionally and physically. I can only say that anyone who harbors some suspicions about themselves being out of the "typical" range of expected relationship desires should be VERY open about their thoughts and experiences with any potential new partner. In my ONE recent experience of "getting close" to a new relationship, we agreed VERY early on to fully share our full relationship history, on first meeting. I know this is a very taboo idea to most people, but it made perfect sense to me (and her, I think?). But we skipped right past many of the usual prerequisite conversations that would (and should!) occur, to our mutual detriment, so such openness should be tempered with practical discussions, too!


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29 Nov 2023, 3:36 pm

Weight Of Memory wrote:
FWIW the internet defines "serial monogamy" as someone who is perpetually in a relationship. They're not cheating (always starting your next relationship before ending your current relationship would be serial adultery), but rather they find someone new very quickly after a breakup. I can't imagine doing that myself because it would be too emotionally exhausting. I don't have the emotional energy to pursue multiple women at once and any form of relationship failure (getting turned down by a prospective partner, lousy first date with a prospective partner, relationship breakup) leaves me emotionally drained.
I really wished I coulda quickly found another girlfriend after my 1st breakup because I majorly HATED being single. Instead I had 8 years straight without so much as a single date despite my best efforts before getting my 2nd gf. Very luckily I got my current gf a couple months after my 2nd gf broke up with me. I find being single, being in an extremely bad relationship, & recovering from an extremely bad relationship & breakup almost equally draining. However being in a somewhat decent relationship is not usually majorly draining &/or it can be very energizing for me.


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