My partner ogles other women & it makes me feel unattractive

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blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 4:28 pm

For women: Have you experienced anything like that which is happening/has happened in the below article?

Your thoughts and ideas are welcomed, and so are men's, but women's more so for this particular topic!

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An excerpt from the article:

"My partner of three years is a kind, emotionally intelligent, interesting and handsome man. We are in our early 30s, which is possibly too old for the petty problem I am about to come to you with… He is always staring at other women! Whenever we are out and there are attractive women nearby, he will take a good look or worse, keep staring at them while we’re in a pub or something. Meanwhile, our conversation starts to dry up, because his focus is elsewhere."

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/apr/07/my-partner-ogles-other-women-and-it-makes-me-feel-unattractive



TwilightPrincess
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27 Apr 2024, 4:36 pm

That has never happened to me. It wouldn’t make me feel less attractive, but it would probably make me reconsider the relationship because I don’t perceive that as normal or acceptable behavior. It seems like a major red flag.

The women that he’s staring at might not appreciate it either. I hate being stared at.


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IsabellaLinton
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27 Apr 2024, 4:39 pm

Yes. One of my partners used to squeeze my hand really tight if he saw someone he found attractive, and he'd whisper "Oh my fuckkkking God!! !! !" in a type of orgasmic bliss. He admitted what he meant. He used to rank men and women with a rating system. There were code words and code numbers / letters so he could even do it in public. Part of the code was whether he'd want to be alone with them, or in a group encounter including specifics of how many other people would be there. There was also a code for whether he'd want to be dom or sub with the person.

This is a dude I dated for a long time (I couldn't get out of the relationship), even though we were never intimate ourselves. He was abusive overall and liked to mess with my head by pretending he was attracted to other women, just not me.


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TwilightPrincess
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27 Apr 2024, 4:41 pm

My ex told me how unattractive I was, but I never caught him ogling other women.


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IsabellaLinton
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27 Apr 2024, 4:45 pm

My other ex kept a huge digital and print photo collection of an unnamed young woman from his past. He used those photos during ... uh, private time with himself.

He also had a collection of her things including a monogrammed towel. He never explained exactly who she was, but as far as I could tell she was the daughter of his ex-wife, or something like that. I don't understand what all the secrecy was about.

I never slept with this dude because he told me women's bodies were disgusting.


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IsabellaLinton
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27 Apr 2024, 4:48 pm

Oh I forgot to mention, the first dude tried to take me to swingers' clubs. Sometimes we'd go out to a restaurant and there'd be another couple there waiting to meet us, without my foreknowledge or consent. He often hooked up with the man from those couples even though I refused to be with their partner. He also hired sex workers and forced me to watch.

I've had some real aholes in my past.


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babybird
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27 Apr 2024, 4:52 pm

blitzkrieg wrote:
For women: Have you experienced anything like that which is happening/has happened in the below article?

Your thoughts and ideas are welcomed, and so are men's, but women's more so for this particular topic!

Image

An excerpt from the article:

"My partner of three years is a kind, emotionally intelligent, interesting and handsome man. We are in our early 30s, which is possibly too old for the petty problem I am about to come to you with… He is always staring at other women! Whenever we are out and there are attractive women nearby, he will take a good look or worse, keep staring at them while we’re in a pub or something. Meanwhile, our conversation starts to dry up, because his focus is elsewhere."

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/apr/07/my-partner-ogles-other-women-and-it-makes-me-feel-unattractive


I think she's dating Jamesy


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blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 5:08 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
That has never happened to me. It wouldn’t make me feel less attractive, but it would probably make me reconsider the relationship because I don’t perceive that as normal or acceptable behavior. It seems like a major red flag.

The women that he’s staring at might not appreciate it either. I hate being stared at.


Yes, I think this is definitely unacceptable behaviour. I was surprised at how forgiving the tone was in the article from the women who the story is about (not the reply from the journalist).



blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 5:10 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Yes. One of my partners used to squeeze my hand really tight if he saw someone he found attractive, and he'd whisper "Oh my fuckkkking God!! ! ! !" in a type of orgasmic bliss. He admitted what he meant. He used to rank men and women with a rating system. There were code words and code numbers / letters so he could even do it in public. Part of the code was whether he'd want to be alone with them, or in a group encounter including specifics of how many other people would be there. There was also a code for whether he'd want to be dom or sub with the person.

This is a dude I dated for a long time (I couldn't get out of the relationship), even though we were never intimate ourselves. He was abusive overall and liked to mess with my head by pretending he was attracted to other women, just not me.


That's awful Isabella. You have had some bad men in the past. I hope that your current dude is better (I'm sure he is)!



blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 5:12 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
My ex told me how unattractive I was, but I never caught him ogling other women.


I think that is a red flag too in a relationship, which I guess would be expected of the guy who abused you (I am guessing you are referring to the abusive ex).



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27 Apr 2024, 5:12 pm

My XYF would get angry with me for even speaking to other women.  She flew into a rage that lasted into the wee hours because I smiled and said, "Thank you" to the woman who served us at a fancy restaurant.  She dropped in unexpectedly to my workplace to count the number of women who worked there.  She refused to let me go to church because we would form prayer circles and I might end up holding another woman's hand (this was in addition to her suspicion that those happy Christian women were all hypocrites looking to steal each others' husbands).  She would interrogate me as to the identity of anyone who honked at me on the freeway.  Et cetera, ad infernum . . .

She divorced me after she found a more timid and compliant man to own.


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blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 5:13 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
My other ex kept a huge digital and print photo collection of an unnamed young woman from his past. He used those photos during ... uh, private time with himself.

He also had a collection of her things including a monogrammed towel. He never explained exactly who she was, but as far as I could tell she was the daughter of his ex-wife, or something like that. I don't understand what all the secrecy was about.

I never slept with this dude because he told me women's bodies were disgusting.


Was that your gay ex? That seems not very... heterosexual.



blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 5:13 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Oh I forgot to mention, the first dude tried to take me to swingers' clubs. Sometimes we'd go out to a restaurant and there'd be another couple there waiting to meet us, without my foreknowledge or consent. He often hooked up with the man from those couples even though I refused to be with their partner. He also hired sex workers and forced me to watch.

I've had some real aholes in my past.


Oh yeah, that is the dude I was thinking about.



blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 5:14 pm

babybird wrote:
blitzkrieg wrote:
For women: Have you experienced anything like that which is happening/has happened in the below article?

Your thoughts and ideas are welcomed, and so are men's, but women's more so for this particular topic!

Image

An excerpt from the article:

"My partner of three years is a kind, emotionally intelligent, interesting and handsome man. We are in our early 30s, which is possibly too old for the petty problem I am about to come to you with… He is always staring at other women! Whenever we are out and there are attractive women nearby, he will take a good look or worse, keep staring at them while we’re in a pub or something. Meanwhile, our conversation starts to dry up, because his focus is elsewhere."

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/apr/07/my-partner-ogles-other-women-and-it-makes-me-feel-unattractive


I think she's dating Jamesy


:lol:



blitzkrieg
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27 Apr 2024, 5:16 pm

Fnord wrote:
My XYF would get angry with me for even speaking to other women.  She flew into a rage that lasted into the wee hours because I smiled and said, "Thank you" to the woman who served us at a fancy restaurant.  She dropped in unexpectedly to my workplace to count the number of women who worked there.  She refused to let me go to church because we would form prayer circles and I might end up holding another woman's hand (this was in addition to her suspicion that those happy Christian women were all hypocrites looking to steal each others' husbands).  She would interrogate me as to the identity of anyone who honked at me on the freeway.  Et cetera, ad infernum . . .

She divorced me after she found a more timid and compliant man to own.


Some people find jealousy from a partner flattering... at least they care when they are jealous!

But yeah, on the flip side, I imagine that could be rather stifling given your in-depth description of the situation you had.



IsabellaLinton
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27 Apr 2024, 5:23 pm

blitzkrieg wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
My other ex kept a huge digital and print photo collection of an unnamed young woman from his past. He used those photos during ... uh, private time with himself.

He also had a collection of her things including a monogrammed towel. He never explained exactly who she was, but as far as I could tell she was the daughter of his ex-wife, or something like that. I don't understand what all the secrecy was about.

I never slept with this dude because he told me women's bodies were disgusting.


Was that your gay ex? That seems not very... heterosexual.



I had three gay exes, without knowing about any of them until it was too late.

My ex-husband admitted he married me so he could get half of my assets.

My next bf was the one I couldn't escape.
I didn't know he was gay.
He said he liked women, just not ME.
Then he started up with men and said he was bi -- but again not for me.

My third one was afraid to come out because of his strict Catholic family.
He was divorced from a woman he'd never slept with.
He didn't even consummate the marriage.

I spent over 20 years of my life with those three.


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