How do you decide if someone is right for you?

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cyberdad
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16 Sep 2024, 12:46 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
"Yeah, I don't know what to tell the guy. I thought the whole thing was these idiots were saying they knew within five minutes that someone was "right" for them. F*** that.


BS that the women who have slept with the carbon man have done so only on what he said rather than how he looked or acted. I think it's rare that you come across somebody man or woman that's dumb as a box of rocks from the start. Could someone seem interesting enough at first to intrigue you enough to decide to have sex with them? That's what hook ups are but I don't think most people think of hook ups as having even a remote possibility for the person to become someone you date or even want to marry. (Wife) and I, on our first date when to see _________ live and got close to f*****g on the balcony. I don't think anyone would have noticed but we went home (insert story) instead. We could have pulled it off at the gig but my point is, I knew in the first five minutes of meeting her at school she was smart and cool but I still waited to date her and to sleep with her. She was smart as hell about certain things and was going to (uni) to be a ________ and worked for __________ as her assistant.

How is it wrong to say that to want to f*** someone you have to be both mentally and physically stimulated or else think they're hot and a good match in personality? If you or (wife) looked like a female version of Quasimodo or was simply unattractive but were still yourselves I wouldn't want to. A person has to turn you the f**k on and that includes seeing and feeling them in addition to hearing and liking what they say when you get to know them. "


huh?



IsabellaLinton
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16 Sep 2024, 12:47 am

Updated comment from my partner. ^
Sorry for the swears it's been a long week.


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cyberdad
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16 Sep 2024, 12:50 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Updated comment from my partner. ^
Sorry for the swears it's been a long week.


Oh that's ok, I've not really been everyone's cup of tea lately.



IsabellaLinton
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16 Sep 2024, 12:55 am

He's flexing his man muscle lol


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IsabellaLinton
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16 Sep 2024, 1:11 am

cyberdad wrote:
huh?



"Huh?" Clueless.Think of all the entitled lonely men who think in any stretch that women should knock at their door and be their wind-up sex toy without even knowing them and without putting an effort towards respect. Don't quote that.


Whoops. :lol:



Sorry that's not directed at you as one of those men, but that type of men in general.
We know a few.
Also I'm retyping what he's typing to me to remove some personal asides so it might sound disjointed.


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Carbonhalo
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16 Sep 2024, 1:52 am

I'm saddened that anyone takes umbrage at my observations.
Someone's not seeing it from my perspective.
Sure I'm tall and was passably cute, but that was offset with clumsy, awkward and geeky.

I was a horny aspie who had mostly hung with older kids and adults. I appealed to older women because I didn't behave like a teenager. The conventionally attractive girls at school always treated me with... Disdain? And since I remember people by their movements and mannerisms rather than their faces, and top of my "intriguing" hierarchy is smile (directed at me), eyes that don't scream at me and laughter. Legs long enough to be able to reach my face is a bonus, sure...but my main follow up to a first impression is how they interact with me, and that requires some conversational skills and enough knowledge to pretend to appreciate my abstruse humour.
I confess my size and privileged perspective as a member of the (wrongly) dominant gender renders me a safety that will allow me to rely on a 5 minute assessment, but I ask your boyfriend this.
If someone as useless at body language as I am can make repeated accurate assessments (if they'd stuck around), why can't he?



IsabellaLinton
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16 Sep 2024, 2:14 am

He does make accurate assessments.
That's my point.

He knew who wanted to stick around.
That didn't mean he liked them.

He had a very short window of dating, pre- wife.
He met his wife in high school and married her in uni.

When he was widowed he didn't date for a few years.
He was in grief and trauma counselling.

He was still working full-time too, with many women.
Women like lonely widowed men.
It's like an aphrodisiac apparently because they have emotions.

He didn't want to date the work friends.
None were "the one" and he knew it from their friendships.

He liked a woman in his grief-share but that's discouraged.
He also decided she was too vulnerable so he didn't pursue it.

Then he retired and moved thousands of miles to become a hermit.
Enter Isabella, stage left.
He knew before I did.


*My own certainty was incremental, but took about 10-12 months.
The delay was because of a heaping helping of trauma on my part.
Then I had to reevaluate again very seriously in 2022.
We both reevaluated in 2023, including a four-month split.

I want him to continually choose yes too.
I'd hate to be someone's stagnant choice.


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Nades
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16 Sep 2024, 2:27 am

For me, someone needs to show their "age" to a limited extent by reaching milestones one would expect. A car helps a lot too because almost universally, it becomes a major source of annoyance how the occasional "lift" becomes being a personal chauffeur.

By the first date I get a good idea of whether someone has potential and obviously from there, it's whether we click with personalities which also usually happens by the first or second date.



Last edited by Nades on 16 Sep 2024, 3:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

IsabellaLinton
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16 Sep 2024, 2:55 am

What does being "the one" mean to you, presuming you've had lots of second dates with various "the ones"?


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Nades
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16 Sep 2024, 3:28 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
What does being "the one" mean to you, presuming you've had lots of second dates with various "the ones"?

You mean me?



cyberdad
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16 Sep 2024, 6:30 pm

So let's tie this thread up.
Find "the one" is not the end, leading to a happily ever after. Just because you are invested in this person. the other person still needs to reciprocate. If there is an unequal level of enthusiasm then it creates an asymmetry in the relationship. For men, you need to bring more to the table (even if she says she loves you for whom you are). this means continually bettering yourself, so be prepared to apply for jobs and look for promotions.



TwilightPrincess
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16 Sep 2024, 6:46 pm

Or maybe avoid dating people who care about jobs and promotions. There are a lot of members here who are on disability and likely to remain so. Many women do not care about that stuff. Sure, some do, but maybe they aren’t people you’d want in your life anyway. I know some guys wouldn’t want to date me for a few reasons. That’s okay because we obviously wouldn’t be compatible in terms of outlooks and goals.



IsabellaLinton
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16 Sep 2024, 6:48 pm

Nades wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
What does being "the one" mean to you, presuming you've had lots of second dates with various "the ones"?

You mean me?



Yes, but with no offence. It's a serious question. I'm confused how anyone has more than one the one?


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funeralxempire
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16 Sep 2024, 7:00 pm

If they're left for me, they're probably right for me. :nerdy:


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Carbonhalo
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16 Sep 2024, 7:16 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
If they're left for me, they're probably right for me. :nerdy:


I keep wondering if your avatar
A. Has a twisted smile
B. Is holding a joint, or
C. Is holding a mummified baculum

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Yes, but with no offence. It's a serious question. I'm confused how anyone has more than one the one?


Somehow I doubt you'd ask me that. :D



funeralxempire
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16 Sep 2024, 7:21 pm

Carbonhalo wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
If they're left for me, they're probably right for me. :nerdy:


I keep wondering if your avatar
A. Has a twisted smile
B. Is holding a joint, or
C. Is holding a mummified baculum


B. :jester:

Although I believe it was intended to be some sort of baked good before I edited it.


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“Anyone who wants to thwart the establishment of a Palestinian state has to support bolstering Hamas and transferring money to Hamas, this is part of our strategy” —Netanyahu
"Many of us like to ask ourselves, What would I do if I was alive during slavery? Or the Jim Crow South? Or apartheid? What would I do if my country was committing genocide?' The answer is, you're doing it. Right now." —Former U.S. Airman (Air Force) Aaron Bushnell