How do you decide if someone is right for you?

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I see corn on the cob. ^

Oh! I thought your cat was going "moohoohaha", "excellent"

Geez Louise twighlight! there's plenty of people on WP who do have the capacity to get a job and get a promotion. For most single males its kind of expected to not sit in the same job like you had when you first start dating women.

Let's direct the Geez Louise at the countless numbers of men who insist women are gold diggers, instead.

^^^ And so we come full circle to my very first post. If she's nice and doesn't run away she could be the one.

I've just gotten better at dating now and weed people out in less dates. I've never really entered a relationship with someone who is clearly a mismatch, only gone on too many dates with them before deciding. It sometimes takes a bit longer to realise there's a problem.

I asked the initial question but never answered it. For me, I kind of know right away, although I have never gotten together with someone who wasn't already someone I knew slightly, either because we were in school together or belonged to a broad friend group, so they weren't a total stranger, and there's safety in that. I didn't have to figure out if they had some major flaw that I should worry about because I already knew them or knew people who knew them well.

I don't have a problem with the 5-minute idea, I just don't think it's shallow like they don't seem to be rejecting me and I think they're attractive so that's enough. There has to be a connection of some kind. They have to be kind and sweet and smart and interesting. And they have to be somewhat unconventional and have a similar outlook on life as I do. There are also lots of disqualifiers for me, like if they're politically conservative or materialistic or superficial. Or rude, boorish, insensitive, and so forth. Physical attraction is also kind of a subtle thing. They don't have to be conventionally attractive but I have to feel a little spark.

I have never gone on dates to test someone out. If it's not there from the start, it's not there.

Well I think you have answered your own question. the length of time it takes a person to know "you are the one" will obviously vary depending on their personal laundry list of requirements.

Each of us it will vary. Speaking from experience, If you are male and struggling to even get one female to have a simple conversation (heck! even to have one say "hello") then you will take anything you can get. Hence the 5min rule.

For most (if not all) females they naturally attract male attention so naturally need to be a bit more discerning if for no other reason than self-preservation and personal safety. I totally understand why younger females put up walls because they want to filter the type of males they interact with and it takes longer to know (for them) if that guy is the one.

But we are all ignoring that each of us give off a "vibe", a type of quality that for reasons beyond our deeper understanding we find certain people irresistible. I do think if there is a strong vibe (and it may take a few dates to work this out before the vibe turns into chemistry) and this warm fuzzy feeling is mutual then the couple will work things out which includes some level of compromise (which is what I think a few of you are advertising like Isabella that she would overlook homelessness or some other red flag if there is "chemistry").

As a word of caution, please be mindful that there are many females who don't naturally attract attention because of their looks, their weight being high/low, their body type, their personality including possible politics, their reputation (b***h, prude, crazy woman etc), their socioeconomic class, their neurotype, their religion or culture, and I could go on.

There are also lots of women who are OK in all of those categories yet they don't draw attention and never know why.

I know what you're trying to say but this sentiment could make women who don't attract attention feel like there's something shamefully wrong with them since "most (if not all) females naturally attract attention".

There are many lonely women out there who feel just as rejected as lonely men.

^ Absolutely.

Some people seem to think all it takes is a vagina, and the person should be set for life.

I'm not accusing cyber of that but it's a very popular misconception.

Just to clarify, he wasn't homeless when I met him and started the relationship. He devolved over time. Also the main "chemistry" I felt was that he seemed to care about my kids who were very young and had just lost their dad to divorce. The man presented himself as someone who would help to raise my children, or help me be a single parent by sharing in some of my workload. My point is that I wasn't attracted to him for normal reasons but because I was so vulnerable.

Regardless yes, I agree that I'd overlook a lot of things if the person was right for me in terms of our relationship. I don't have a laundry list. I only said that I reevaluate at each step of the way whether I'm comfortable, safe, and secure, and whether the person is adding to or subtracting from my peace of mind.

It’s really frustrating to see because there are a lot of lonely women out there, but so often, their experiences are dismissed or belittled to the point that they don’t feel comfortable talking about them. That has even occurred on WP. Some women have trauma AND loneliness. I just think we need to stop making it about gender and think of loneliness as a human issue. A significant proportion of our female membership has struggled with it.

Also, this thread is about how you, as an individual, decide if someone is right for you. There shouldn’t be anything controversial about it. People can state what’s important to them, but there’s no need to generalize about other people. Obviously, from the responses in this thread, we all have different takes on it, no matter our gender or relationship status. Perhaps staying on topic rather than unnecessarily turning this into one of those threads would be prudent because it’s a good topic. (I’m not referring to you, Isabella, or anyone in particular; I just felt like it needed to be said.)

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 17 Sep 2024, 6:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I agree. I've also noticed that respondents seem to define "the one" in different ways. That's OK, too. I'm very literal so in my mind "the one" means there can only be one of them in our lives and we won't look for another. That's why I was confused when some people talked about having shorter term relationships with various "ones".

Maybe some of us think "the one" means "the one to spend my summer with", or "the one to hook up with", while others might think it means marriage or a similar longterm monogamous commitment.

I have to be honest, even when I was marrying my ex I was unsure. He was the only person I'd ever dated and I felt so insecure about myself I was sure no one else would ever be interested. Just before I walked up the aisle with my dad I was asking myself if I was sure. By the time I started walking I actually told myself he was probably my one and only chance, so I might as well just go for it.

That's really sad.

Sure, I think it goes without saying I am talking about women who "look dateable" if I am allowed to say that anymore in 2024.

Is the one "the one I'm prepared to stay with the rest of my life" or "the one who's prepared to stay with me the rest of my life" ?
If they're not the same then there will be a series of "ones"