Amazin, I think in addition to Neant's philosophy, something else you could do as a primer before even trying all of that just to get your confidence in a less fragile position is learn to see women in a completely different context. All those guys who are being suave and chillin probably have a much more played down attitude on em, are seeing themselves as having equal power socially, and more then half of that is just attitude.
Even though, I can't talk to all women smooth as ice like that, I can talk to a girl on a completely calm and non-interested level even if shes blazing hot, even sit there and joke with her about stuff, because I'm not letting myself see her has something greater than me or someone of greater leverage. True, it's a heck of a lot easier to do that when you aren't thinking of asking someone out but still, taking that sort of thing and building it outward seems like a good idea to where you can just stretch your comfort zone out to even envelope relationship steps into that comfort zone; takes the right self-talk though. I think a lot of guys who do real well with women for the most part have sisters and the better looking those sisters are, even if the guys aren't, the less they seem to be phased or easily played by em and the more they can get right passed their armor because they grew up with one.
As for rap music, one of the great things I learned about it when I was maybe 20 or 21 that I just didn't get when I was 13 or 14 looking at all the wannabe thugs back in middleschool, while it's true that there's more intelligence in it for adults its also true that it's a great desensitizing tool. Whether it's the violence, the sex, the drugs, or the degrading of women in some stuff, it devalues things, makes you less sensitized, makes you feel harder, and that's a major boost of confidence for lots of guys and I've seen that more and more in lots of girls too. Everyone wants to feel alpha and music that injects a heavy dose of alpha emotion really gets people interested.
Of course I wouldn't hold yourself down to rap, get some rock, alternative, techno, and whatever else in there but also build your own taste and have a personality about it. Find the stuff that does all the right stuff for you emotionally because music is an extremely powerful tool in terms of helping you change your emotional state, redirect emotions that are out of bounds back in bounds (ie. listening to something kinda to the opposit end or that helps put a more controlled twist on an out-of-control intense emotion), and even sometimes if you listen to a tune that expressed exactly what your feeling or really embodies a mood your in then just hearing it is a way of letting it out at times. I have tracks I listen to when I feel like I need some aural vitamins to spine up, when I'm feeling depressed in a grimey sort of way and need something that echoes it well, or when I'm feeling elated and can't stand feeling that 'high'version of happy I'll pop something in that bites the edge off of it (something more somber and intelligent) that'll help me turn that excess dumb-happy into sheer confidense.
Trust me on that last one - it works, trick is finding out what works best for you. You don't wanna let someone else answer that for you because that subtracts for your personality and the level of value the music has to you as well as how real or fake you come off with liking it. Yeah, you might find someone who's tastes and style you really like and personally identify well with - ask em for pointers, that's totally cool, but just don't look for what's popular just because it is.
That and I don't know if this analogy will work for you but it's just one I think would work for any aspies who are into games like Magic the Gathering. Building a strong and charismatic personality, assembling your likes and dislikes with a good deal of social wisdom, and all that is like building a really good Magic deck you could rock anyone with and knowing how to use it to it's fullest. Likes and dislikes are built on general social wisdom and the best thing you can do with that wisdom is have a set of likes and dislikes that you really believe in and ones you could really impress people on how well you thought through em.
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“Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word "love" here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being, or a state of grace - not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.” - James Baldwin
06 Oct 2005, 8:27 pm
