Is the reason I'm still single

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Yupa
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02 Mar 2008, 8:28 am

because I'm poor (I only ever have enough on me for a few cups of coffee) and don't have any particular skills or talents?
I mean, I know I'm beautiful (well, clearly), but that doesn't seem to be enough.
Humans are like birds, they need to impress potential mates with something that could be said to be the equivalent of a bird's song. That is the intended purpose of art/music/various performance arts/poetry/etc., is it not?
It's a pity I'm not any good at any of those, and I'm no genius when it comes to more practical things either.
Other humans want a mate in whom they see traits that say "this person is fit to survive and will improve the species by reproducing." Even in relationships where no reproduction or even sex occurs that thought is still subconsciously there. It's part of our programming.
I just don't feel that I have any traits that would make a person think that about me, and therefore don't have any traits that would make me desirable, at the very least not to the sort of person I'd want to attract.



Zsazsa
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02 Mar 2008, 9:57 am

Being poor is not the reason you are single...most of the time life presents you with a win/lose proposition: if you don't win, you
lose. This is true in most games, sports, elections, coin-tosses, bets, arguments...and relationships. When you play, a different
logic is at work: a win/no-win logic. This is an important difference because it means that instead of being penalized for our
mistakes, we learn from them. Thus, when we win, we win. When we don't, we learn. This is a nice arrangement...the only thing
that costs us is the time and energy to involve ourselves in life.

Watch kids playing on a computer or when they play games...they experiment, they try all kinds of approaches to new things and they become proficient. One reason kids are so good at involving themselves in activities and things is because theydon't know all of the "supposed to's," they are not afraid of making mistakes.

If you want friends and relationships, you have to challenge yourself and takes risks. Find an activity that interests you and get
involved with others who share your interests. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. But if you stay tucked away in your comfortable
cocoon, life will continue to pass you by. Get out and have fun.

Good luck!



kenif
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02 Mar 2008, 10:18 am

Yupa,
':scratch:'
You're 18. I'd be worried if you weren't single.
If someone is attracted to your money then they're not for you.
You're intelligent and discriminating:
"...at the very least not to the sort of person I'd want to attract."
"...at the very least not to the sort of person I'd want to attract."
"...at the very least not to the sort of person I'd want to attract."
Keep saying that to yourself.
Stay picky.
Have fun but stay single until the steamroller of love hits you.



Nan
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02 Mar 2008, 2:10 pm

well, i can tell you one thing for sure, if you go looking for love (if you're rich or if you're poor) you won't find it. it has to come to you. you might be able to find something fleeting, but the real deal - the one that lasts years - comes when you aren't really expecting it. and, perhaps, from somewhere you never would have imagined.

best advice is to just go enjoy life. make friends if/when you can. if something grows from that, take very good care of it.



juliekitty
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02 Mar 2008, 2:28 pm

kenif wrote:
Stay picky.
Have fun but stay single


I'm hopelessly picky, and that's good in lots of ways, but unfortunately I can attest it makes it a lot easier to stay single.



juliekitty
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02 Mar 2008, 2:31 pm

Nan wrote:
well, i can tell you one thing for sure, if you go looking for love (if you're rich or if you're poor) you won't find it. it has to come to you. you might be able to find something fleeting, but the real deal - the one that lasts years - comes when you aren't really expecting it. and, perhaps, from somewhere you never would have imagined.


I hear this a lot but can't agree. I know of loving relationships that resulted from people looking for love.



PowersOfTen
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02 Mar 2008, 3:18 pm

juliekitty wrote:
Nan wrote:
well, i can tell you one thing for sure, if you go looking for love (if you're rich or if you're poor) you won't find it. it has to come to you. you might be able to find something fleeting, but the real deal - the one that lasts years - comes when you aren't really expecting it. and, perhaps, from somewhere you never would have imagined.


I hear this a lot but can't agree. I know of loving relationships that resulted from people looking for love.


This never seems to happen for me. When I think back on the way my relationships have started its always been; girl follows me out of a party and offers me a cigarette, girl starts up a conversation with me in class, girl approaches me when class is over. I've initiated things many times but it has never worked out when I have.



pakled
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02 Mar 2008, 3:36 pm

maybe the folks in the retirement communities can't keep up...;) nah, j/k, I've been to Florida a few times...;)

maybe you need to focus on what you want. Figure out where you're likely to find it. Then go to those places. hard to do, but don't know enough to tell you further...



sarahstilettos
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02 Mar 2008, 4:00 pm

Yupa wrote:
because I'm poor (I only ever have enough on me for a few cups of coffee) and don't have any particular skills or talents?
I mean, I know I'm beautiful (well, clearly), but that doesn't seem to be enough.
Humans are like birds, they need to impress potential mates with something that could be said to be the equivalent of a bird's song. That is the intended purpose of art/music/various performance arts/poetry/etc., is it not?
It's a pity I'm not any good at any of those, and I'm no genius when it comes to more practical things either.
Other humans want a mate in whom they see traits that say "this person is fit to survive and will improve the species by reproducing." Even in relationships where no reproduction or even sex occurs that thought is still subconsciously there. It's part of our programming.
I just don't feel that I have any traits that would make a person think that about me, and therefore don't have any traits that would make me desirable, at the very least not to the sort of person I'd want to attract.


With the arts, I think the point is not so much to be incredibly talented at them - although god knows we all try - but to enjoy them? So even if you don't feel particularly skilled, I don't think you should be held back from having a go, if its something you feel you'd like to try. We've all got to start somewhere. Alternatively, you could reinvent yourself as a critic and enjoy the benefits of elevated sexual appeal, no talent required! (nb. THIS IS A JOKE. I review music myself).

Personally, when I consider if I want to date/be in a relationship with someone, I think to myself, 'I'm going to be spending a lot of time with this person - am I going to enjoy it?' You have to have things to talk about and things to do - of course that doesn't have to have anything to do with the arts, you could go hiking together and talk about current affairs. But there has to be something you're at least interested in, something you LOVE, even if you're not any good at it.

The point that I'm stressing is that its the doing something you love and talking about it thats attractive, not the skill itself. (The only exception to this is writing bad poetry). You must have something going for you along these lines, so don't be so down on yourself!

Also, I think a lot of people, when they describe themselves, see 'creativity' as a key trait, so they feel, (I would say, justifiably) they will be more compatible with someone else who has this trait.



PowersOfTen
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02 Mar 2008, 4:09 pm

What is interesting is that my particular "skill" has caused relationship problems if anything. I am so obsessed with it that I don't really think about much else, and thus don't have much else to talk about on a casual basis.



sarahstilettos
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02 Mar 2008, 4:16 pm

PowersOfTen wrote:
What is interesting is that my particular "skill" has caused relationship problems if anything. I am so obsessed with it that I don't really think about much else, and thus don't have much else to talk about on a casual basis.


well, I think thats happened to most of us. You do have to make a bit of an effort not to be a bore - asking people questions about themselves so that they can talk is my usual tactic when I really can't think of anything else to say... but beyond that, I think you have to consider that it just wasn't meant to be. I've made pretty conscious decisions about my priorities, I know what makes me happy, and I know it's not being in a relationship that holds me back from what I'm interested in.



LePetitPrince
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02 Mar 2008, 4:24 pm

There are many reasons why I am single:
-Male shyness
-Poor social life
-poverty
-Atheism (most girls here are religious and can't accept an atheist)
-Shortness (5'3" , surely that doesn't help)
-no car



Yupa
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02 Mar 2008, 8:56 pm

LePetitPrince wrote:
There are many reasons why I am single:
-Male shyness
-Poor social life
-poverty
-Atheism (most girls here are religious and can't accept an atheist)
-Shortness (5'3" , surely that doesn't help)
-no car


A girl who can't accept your religious beliefs, or lack thereof, is definitely not someone who's worth your time.

Also, shortness can be cute.



koadah
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03 Mar 2008, 10:37 am

PowersOfTen wrote:
juliekitty wrote:
Nan wrote:
well, i can tell you one thing for sure, if you go looking for love (if you're rich or if you're poor) you won't find it. it has to come to you. you might be able to find something fleeting, but the real deal - the one that lasts years - comes when you aren't really expecting it. and, perhaps, from somewhere you never would have imagined.


I hear this a lot but can't agree. I know of loving relationships that resulted from people looking for love.


This never seems to happen for me. When I think back on the way my relationships have started its always been; girl follows me out of a party and offers me a cigarette, girl starts up a conversation with me in class, girl approaches me when class is over. I've initiated things many times but it has never worked out when I have.


If no one approaches anyone then nothing happens at all.

Folk who just sit and wait could be waiting a very long time.



Nan
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03 Mar 2008, 11:03 am

koadah wrote:
PowersOfTen wrote:
juliekitty wrote:
Nan wrote:
well, i can tell you one thing for sure, if you go looking for love (if you're rich or if you're poor) you won't find it. it has to come to you. you might be able to find something fleeting, but the real deal - the one that lasts years - comes when you aren't really expecting it. and, perhaps, from somewhere you never would have imagined.


I hear this a lot but can't agree. I know of loving relationships that resulted from people looking for love.


This never seems to happen for me. When I think back on the way my relationships have started its always been; girl follows me out of a party and offers me a cigarette, girl starts up a conversation with me in class, girl approaches me when class is over. I've initiated things many times but it has never worked out when I have.


If no one approaches anyone then nothing happens at all.

Folk who just sit and wait could be waiting a very long time.


You miss the point. I do believe in cultivating friendships. Very good, strong, deep friendships. That is where love grows. Going out to target a "love" interest may buy you some time, some shorter relationships, some fun and games, but in 20 years, you most likely won't be with that person. Probably not even after five years. Somewhere in there you'll find you've "grown apart" or that you "don't know who that person really is" or that you're really "not compatible" anymore. Or that you "just don't know what happened, it used to be so good" or "the spark just isn't there anymore." Quite obviously, as far as marriage goes, the current divorce stats prove that part out.

Then again, the original poster may not be thinking in terms of a long-term commitment - hard to say. It sounds more as if he thinks he should have someone to be with, and may not necessarily understand why. Loneliness is not a pleasant feeling, and it can drive you to do some really unfortunate things if it gets the upper hand. I really do believe love is not something you can go out searching for and have much hope of success. It's not something you can force, that you can make happen.

The original poster was 18 years old. I haven't met many people that age who know themselves well enough to be able to know how they would complement another person. To that individual I still say, stop trying to force it. Just wait, learn, meet people, see what develops. If you meet someone special and things "click", enjoy. But don't force that either. Things can look all rosey and wonderful, and you might think you've got the love of your life. But only time will tell if you really have, or if you've just got a mutual infatuation going.

If you find someone who cares about you, they won't be worrying about your bank account status, what you do for a living, or where you live (unless any of those situations could potentially harm you). They'll care about you for being you - the person you are, not what you do or have.



D1nk0
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03 Mar 2008, 11:45 am

Yupa wrote:
because I'm poor (I only ever have enough on me for a few cups of coffee) and don't have any particular skills or talents?
I mean, I know I'm beautiful (well, clearly), but that doesn't seem to be enough.
Humans are like birds, they need to impress potential mates with something that could be said to be the equivalent of a bird's song. That is the intended purpose of art/music/various performance arts/poetry/etc., is it not?
It's a pity I'm not any good at any of those, and I'm no genius when it comes to more practical things either.
Other humans want a mate in whom they see traits that say "this person is fit to survive and will improve the species by reproducing." Even in relationships where no reproduction or even sex occurs that thought is still subconsciously there. It's part of our programming.
I just don't feel that I have any traits that would make a person think that about me, and therefore don't have any traits that would make me desirable, at the very least not to the sort of person I'd want to attract.


I had alway thought that the purpose of art was essentially the *encoding* of information, especially visual art. Its all about presenting ideas through symbolism. To me, music is all about the expression of emotions and evocation of moods(and atmorsphere's). But evidently there's more to art that just that.....it certainly CAN be used to communicate genetic quality to the opposite sex. But then again, why can mathematical talent be used the same way? They say a bird only sings when its trying to mate :?