Anyone else have this problem?

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GodsWonder
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30 May 2008, 4:48 pm

I do not have a sexual attraction or desire, at all!! I am a 19yo guy and I know that is not 'normal'. I have no desire to date or be in a close relationship and I am not attracted to girls. No! I am not attracted to guys either. When I look at a girl I can't tell you instinctively if she is "hot" or not. Logically I can maybe determine it but it will take a bit of time because I will have to analyze her weight, figure, height, hair, skin, face, and all but I still wouldn't be very accurate in my determination so to speak. For me all people seem pretty much the same and that has been the same way my whole life; I don't really feel any different about people from when I was younger. Girls just behave a little different than guys. I don't get aroused or anything and i don't obsess about girls, I don't think about them at all in a sexual manner.

I talked to a psychiatrist a few days ago for the first time and he asked me some questions about this and it got me thinking. He asked if I would ever get horny or turned on ever. I was like "no!" thinking that it was sort of an absurd question. He also asked me if I have sexual fantisies or picture sexual things in my head, again I said "no!"; at this point I was thinking "should I be" and "do 'normal' people always think about and feel this stuff." I have realized that I was never like other guys and I always felt awkward when around other guys when they would be checking out girls and talking about them because I was always confused and never knew exactly what they were talking about or why they seemed so obsessive about girls. I would wonder what gave them the drive.

This has been pretty hard on me because this separates me from the NT's and most of the Aspies. It has caused me much anxiety and has left me confused and led to much awkwardness. I was just wondering if maybe someone experienced the same thing and maybe eventually grew out of it or things changed.



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30 May 2008, 5:27 pm

Well, I don't know about you or anyone else, but that was pretty much how it was for awhile. I just wasn't interested in guys at all. Took me until freshman year of HS when a guy asked me to homecoming and said just as friends when he really wanted to date me, but only said as friends so i'd go. Ended up liking him, who knows, maybe it'll happen to you. I'm sure its not that bad that you aren't attracted to girls, maybe your body is just delayed in that department or maybe you haven't clicked with anyone yet. Who knows, give it time and maybe things will change. Talk to some girls, maybe hang out with some and see what happens. -Power Girl



krex
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30 May 2008, 5:42 pm

It's true that your situation is some what "rare" but you are not intirely alone. I don't know about NT's but I do know there are other aspies who consider themselves to be asexual. I'm sure it is made more difficult because we are living in a very hyper sexualized time period...50-100 years ago, it wold probably not have been considered as big a deal because people didn't talk about sex quit as openly and premass media, it wasn't seen as the normal #1 interest for everyone to have.

I don't know if you will out grow it or if you want to but you could see if it has any bases in medical rather then psychological causes...perhaps your DR could run a hormone test on you ? If your horones are out of balance in some way, that is something that could be dealt with, if you chose to.


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D1nk0
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30 May 2008, 5:44 pm

Lets put it this way GodsWonder: It is abnormal but in all honesty it is Not a *problem*! By that I mean that maybe you're unlike most men but quite honestly, you're life is going to be A LOT less complicated and ultimately a lot less problematic than if you were "normal" :wink: .




GodsWonder wrote:
I do not have a sexual attraction or desire, at all!! I am a 19yo guy and I know that is not 'normal'. I have no desire to date or be in a close relationship and I am not attracted to girls. No! I am not attracted to guys either. When I look at a girl I can't tell you instinctively if she is "hot" or not. Logically I can maybe determine it but it will take a bit of time because I will have to analyze her weight, figure, height, hair, skin, face, and all but I still wouldn't be very accurate in my determination so to speak. For me all people seem pretty much the same and that has been the same way my whole life; I don't really feel any different about people from when I was younger. Girls just behave a little different than guys. I don't get aroused or anything and i don't obsess about girls, I don't think about them at all in a sexual manner.

I talked to a psychiatrist a few days ago for the first time and he asked me some questions about this and it got me thinking. He asked if I would ever get horny or turned on ever. I was like "no!" thinking that it was sort of an absurd question. He also asked me if I have sexual fantisies or picture sexual things in my head, again I said "no!"; at this point I was thinking "should I be" and "do 'normal' people always think about and feel this stuff." I have realized that I was never like other guys and I always felt awkward when around other guys when they would be checking out girls and talking about them because I was always confused and never knew exactly what they were talking about or why they seemed so obsessive about girls. I would wonder what gave them the drive.

This has been pretty hard on me because this separates me from the NT's and most of the Aspies. It has caused me much anxiety and has left me confused and led to much awkwardness. I was just wondering if maybe someone experienced the same thing and maybe eventually grew out of it or things changed.



Nan
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30 May 2008, 6:00 pm

GodsWonder wrote:
I do not have a sexual attraction or desire, at all!! I am a 19yo guy and I know that is not 'normal'. I have no desire to date or be in a close relationship and I am not attracted to girls. No! I am not attracted to guys either. When I look at a girl I can't tell you instinctively if she is "hot" or not. Logically I can maybe determine it but it will take a bit of time because I will have to analyze her weight, figure, height, hair, skin, face, and all but I still wouldn't be very accurate in my determination so to speak. For me all people seem pretty much the same and that has been the same way my whole life; I don't really feel any different about people from when I was younger. Girls just behave a little different than guys. I don't get aroused or anything and i don't obsess about girls, I don't think about them at all in a sexual manner.

I talked to a psychiatrist a few days ago for the first time and he asked me some questions about this and it got me thinking. He asked if I would ever get horny or turned on ever. I was like "no!" thinking that it was sort of an absurd question. He also asked me if I have sexual fantisies or picture sexual things in my head, again I said "no!"; at this point I was thinking "should I be" and "do 'normal' people always think about and feel this stuff." I have realized that I was never like other guys and I always felt awkward when around other guys when they would be checking out girls and talking about them because I was always confused and never knew exactly what they were talking about or why they seemed so obsessive about girls. I would wonder what gave them the drive.

This has been pretty hard on me because this separates me from the NT's and most of the Aspies. It has caused me much anxiety and has left me confused and led to much awkwardness. I was just wondering if maybe someone experienced the same thing and maybe eventually grew out of it or things changed.



Well, for me, nothing really started popping until I was in my 20s, and I didn't get the serious hots for a guy until my late 20s. I got obsessed with music and movie stars on cue, but didn't really have any strong sexual urges as a teen. I got leveraged into going on several dates that I absolutely had no interest in, had guys do some serious pawing and slobbery kissing (which was more gross than anything), no feeling there other than revulsion. I have heard, quite often, that we "mature" more slowly than NTs do. When it finally all did kick in, in my late 20s and early 30s though, it definitely went into high gear. ; )

I wouldn't worry about it, given your age. If it makes you terribly unhappy, you might talk to someone about why that is. But I wouldn't worry much about what's "normal" and "not normal" - what matters is what's comfortable for you.



sinsboldly
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30 May 2008, 6:23 pm

D1nk0 wrote:
Lets put it this way GodsWonder: It is abnormal but in all honesty it is Not a *problem*! By that I mean that maybe you're unlike most men but quite honestly, you're life is going to be A LOT less complicated and ultimately a lot less problematic than if you were "normal" :wink: .



Just read the thousands and thousands of posts just on this website about the heartache and longing and yearning that men and women, boys and girls write about their striving for some sort of sexual connection and you might want to count yourself one of the lucky ones.

Now, if you are feeling the loss of something you might not have, I can understand that too. I know you might not want to hear it, but you are young with your life before you, it may change and it may not. I wish you the best, dear.

Merle



TheBladeRoden
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30 May 2008, 6:42 pm

On the bright side you can now put the brain power normally devoted to trying to get a date into solving larger societal problems.


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GodsWonder
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30 May 2008, 6:49 pm

Thanks people for your responses. I don't really have an urge to change but sometimes it is hard because things can be hard for me sometimes in certain situations. Nobody knows about this particular difference except for my mom and my psychiatrist so when I am in a situation in which this becomes a problem, such as when my dad and/or brothers talk about girls or try to get me to date someone I am clueless and don't know what to do/say and it is really awkward. I couldn't ever tell my dad or others siblings about this so that is not a possibility.

So far though, from the posts that I have read, I think that it may be harder if I did have a sexual attraction/desire. For now I am content with the way I am and thanks again people, you all have helped me greatly.



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30 May 2008, 7:00 pm

I wouldn't call this a "problem" at all. I envy you... I envy your freedom from this useless biological programming. You have no idea how unfair it is for me.



krex
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30 May 2008, 7:08 pm

I just want to encourage you to not feel that just because your psychologist says that your feelings or thoughts are not "normal" that it does not follow that you should try and change them. I made that mistake in therapy when they tried to get me to be more social. They wanted to label my "difference as a pathology" and try and link childhood traumas and all sorts of irrelevant things to it....(there was no awareness of AS or different neurology at that time...1990).

They had good intentions and suggested things which maybe helpful to Nt's but were destructive for me. There is only one good reason to change something that is your "natural self" and that is when it becomes more destructive to your happiness(or is destructive to the health of others) then the change it self. Some changes actually do more harm then good.

I happen to believe that the over secxualizing of our culture is more destructive to the mental health of humans then it's opposite. As long as you are content in your sexuality (r lack of one) don't let others define it as maladaptive or pathological.


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LoveableNerd
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30 May 2008, 8:09 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
D1nk0 wrote:
Lets put it this way GodsWonder: It is abnormal but in all honesty it is Not a *problem*! By that I mean that maybe you're unlike most men but quite honestly, you're life is going to be A LOT less complicated and ultimately a lot less problematic than if you were "normal" :wink: .


Just read the thousands and thousands of posts just on this website about the heartache and longing and yearning that men and women, boys and girls write about their striving for some sort of sexual connection and you might want to count yourself one of the lucky ones.


:cheers:

Cyberman wrote:
I wouldn't call this a "problem" at all. I envy you... I envy your freedom from this useless biological programming. You have no idea how unfair it is for me.


:cheers: :cheers:

krex wrote:
I happen to believe that the over sexualizing of our culture is more destructive to the mental health of humans then it's opposite.

:cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:


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30 May 2008, 10:28 pm

It could be their behaviour that turns you off. Everyone shagging eachother. That's what turns me off anyway. Maybe you haven't met the right person yet and when you do and develop a mutual trust you'll start to get feelings you haven't felt before.



sinsboldly
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30 May 2008, 10:48 pm

Pobodys_Nerfect wrote:
It could be their behaviour that turns you off. Everyone shagging each other. ~snip~


ah. . not if reading the Love and Dating section! :roll: