my attraction to people who will never be attracted to me

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I am a pansexual/bisexual female. I am currently attracted to five people, three guys and two girls:
Daniel - gay
Christopher - gay
Moises - gay
Triveni - straight
Chloë - straight

I am femme and I like people who are femme but I wish I were attracted to someone who was attracted to females for a change. Daniel, Christopher, Moises, Triveni and Chloë are all good friends but I wish that one of them could be more than a friend.

Daniel, Christopher and Moises, along with my brother/best friend who I was out to before I was out to myself, have provided excellent support as I have been questioning and coming out this spring.

maybe you desire a person with the characteristics of those people who have been so supportive to you?

maybe, Christopher and Moises are two of the most out people on our campus so they have served as "queerness mentors" for me whether they know it or not. I know I will go to Christopher for advise on coming out to my roommate next year. I do not think I will be able to find a straight or bi guy with the characteristics I find attractive therefore I believe my next relationship will be with a girl. (I have an exboyfriend he broke up with me in February, I realized that I am attracted to both males and females in March)

This sounds like something from a math quiz in a California school.



Have you been in touch with Jerry Springer?

Sounds to me that attraction to the unattainable signifies that you are simply not looking for a relationship right now, so it's more desirable to crush from afar than on someone you could possibly have, especially ssince you are looking for yourself and your identity as you mention. I bet when you are okay with yourself and really wanting all the thrills and pitfalls of a relationship, then you will like someone who is willing to like you back.

Aw man, that always bites. I can relate; I like girls with somewhat more masculine personalities but more feminine appearances, hah.

But hey...you're pansexual. That means more options than if you were straight. It also means more NON-options, though. >.>

Just keep searching. ^_^ There are feminine straight guys out there. I'm one of them and I've known a few others, so...they definitely exist.

Last edited by Veresae on 04 Jun 2008, 6:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think the pansexual aspect of you is playing right into this; ie. you like people who like you in a deeper way. You want something, romantically, that pivots off of and is similar to platonic love - at least something that plays out with as much sincerity. Good luck finding it though, its extremely difficult and the only way a person really can find it is by chance, just the act of trying to push things puts it more into the sexual-first sphere and for some reason that I personally will never understand - they seem to be mutually exclusive modes of being in terms of any initiatives taken.

Yes, statistically most men are not gay, so that you're attracted to 3 men and they're all gay sounds like an attraction to people you know you have no chance with. I'm not entirely sure what this means - for what it's worth, a counselor thought I was in the same situation, when I said the girls I was attracted to were always taken. It's not the case, as more than once I developed an attraction before I knew she had a boyfriend, and I did ask a taken girl out once, but the point is it's probably not that rare if my counselor immediately thought that.

Well, as someone who's always been attracted to people who weren't attainable but has always been looking for a relationship, I don't think that's necessarily the case. People who are still looking for themselves end up in relationships all the time--see any teenage relationship. I think it's more common for people to be attracted to a certain type of person and the people who fit into that "type" just never feel attraction back, because they all have the same general kind of personality.

I once read a PostSecret where some woman was something like, "I encouraged my daughter to date him because he reminded me of a boy I loved who broke my heart. Now he's broken my daughter's heart."

I'm still attracted to a woman i blew my chance with 6 years ago... if I had the social capacity i have now, things would have turned out so much better...

Very true. When I was fifteen, I was attracted to types that I could not have, either because they were older than me and/or they didnt exist, and it just would never happen. I took some time to think, and I realized what I liked was fantasizing about them, feeling the attraction, but when confronted with the possiblity of a real relationship, I passed because I felt I wasnt ready yet and it wouldnt be exciting. It may have been because I was holding out for the impossible (I wonder what would have happened if I did meet the guy I liked a lot at that time), but looking back I feel I enjoyed admiring their look, personality, differentness from my midwestern/southern upbringing which I found boring and unimaginative. I think somehow I felt being in a relationship would ruin their exotic persona. But that's just me. The person probaly actually exists in your neighborhood, helene and Veresae. Helene, one you to university, you're bound to find someone if it has a varied and large population.

I used to get hopeless crushes all the time. It took years to realise that I was something of a commitment phobe even though I thought I wanted commitment. But I didn't want casual relationships either. It was all very confusing.

That's a good point - the girls I'm attracted to are always the taken type - if I like a girl in that way, you can pretyt much guarantee she's taken. It's not good when the girls you're attracted to are a) taken and also b) wouldn't date you anyway.

Heheh. I doubt the neighborhood bit. Mostly old folgies and a couple of little kids here.

But ironically the girl I was obsessed with in high school for three years turned out to live a block away from my house, though I didn't find this out until the summer after graduation. She moved not long after. Hahah. She never liked me as anything more than a friend (couldn't even be that for a long time because my romantic feelings for her creeped her out), but she wasn't anyone I would have ever worked with in a relationship anyway. Similar upbringing, but very little in common.