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this is totally killing my chances with a girl

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Frieslander
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21 Jan 2013, 10:13 pm

Met a girl on okcupid. We were getting along pretty well. Never met in person yet. Spend lots of time on Google chat, and talked once on the phone. Today I brought up just a bit of politics, asking her if she watched Obama's inauguration and telling her I voted for him. She just plain out said, "I don't discuss politics". This is tough for me. I like to discuss a bit of this from time to time. .



rabidmonkey4262
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21 Jan 2013, 10:18 pm

Most people who say that just do so because they're afraid of getting into a confrontation. Don't worry about it too much.


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Stargazer43
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21 Jan 2013, 10:20 pm

Never bring up politics until you've been on 3-4 dates at least. It's considered a taboo topic to talk about initially because a lot of people feel very strongly about it, and if the person you're with disagrees with your opinions they may get upset or angered.



curlyfry
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21 Jan 2013, 10:21 pm

Don't take that as it will never be a topic. It's just most find politics a sensitive issue and best left after you've had a few dates.



Frieslander
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21 Jan 2013, 10:24 pm

curlyfry wrote:
Don't take that as it will never be a topic. It's just most find politics a sensitive issue and best left after you've had a few dates.


Best answer yet. Thanks, curlyfry.



Boadicea
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22 Jan 2013, 1:27 am

curlyfry wrote:
Don't take that as it will never be a topic. It's just most find politics a sensitive issue and best left after you've had a few dates.


If you're flexible about your politics that''s great advice.
I love that on OKC you can prescreen people for some ideology before you meet them because I am not flexible. I don't want to date or spend time around people who don't think I should be able to access birth control/abortion for example.
It would really suck to not find out about something like that until I had already invested a few dates.

If something is a dealbreaker for you be upfront about it, if not, curlyfry's advice is excellent.



The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Jan 2013, 6:03 am

Boadicea wrote:
curlyfry wrote:
Don't take that as it will never be a topic. It's just most find politics a sensitive issue and best left after you've had a few dates.


If you're flexible about your politics that''s great advice.
I love that on OKC you can prescreen people for some ideology before you meet them because I am not flexible. I don't want to date or spend time around people who don't think I should be able to access birth control/abortion for example.
It would really suck to not find out about something like that until I had already invested a few dates.

If something is a dealbreaker for you be upfront about it, if not, curlyfry's advice is excellent.


I've been out with a young woman on 2 dates, yet the topic of religion or politics were never brought up, what worries me most is religion, she doesn't know I am atheist yet but I should let her know somehow before or during the 3rd date? She's not a practicing muslim per se but it still can be a deal breaker for her.



Tequila
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22 Jan 2013, 7:44 am

curlyfry wrote:
It's just most find politics a sensitive issue and best left after you've had a few dates.


For 'sensitive', read 'divisive'.



mv
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22 Jan 2013, 9:30 am

Frieslander, you're still in "cocktail party" mode with this woman. You're polite and chatty and charming (as we all are supposed to be at a cocktail party), but you also are not allowed to discuss topics that you wouldn't discuss at a lighthearted party. I was always taught that it was impolite to discuss the following at a cocktail party:

1) politics,
2) religion, and

3) {sex}

I put this last one in braces because of course I wasn't told not to discuss sex, it was just assumed I never would and I had to learn the hard way.

These are the golden three. You can't get into trouble if you stay away from them until a time when you know each other better.



Frieslander
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22 Jan 2013, 10:24 am

mv wrote:
Frieslander, you're still in "cocktail party" mode with this woman. You're polite and chatty and charming (as we all are supposed to be at a cocktail party), but you also are not allowed to discuss topics that you wouldn't discuss at a lighthearted party. I was always taught that it was impolite to discuss the following at a cocktail party:

1) politics,
2) religion, and

3) {sex}

I put this last one in braces because of course I wasn't told not to discuss sex, it was just assumed I never would and I had to learn the hard way.

These are the golden three. You can't get into trouble if you stay away from them until a time when you know each other better.


Never been to a cocktail party, so this analogy doesn't work that well for me :)



mv
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22 Jan 2013, 10:29 am

Frieslander wrote:
Never been to a cocktail party, so this analogy doesn't work that well for me :)


Okay, let's make it "church picnic" for you. :wink: At least I assume it's analagous; I've never been to a church picnic.



Frieslander
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22 Jan 2013, 10:40 am

mv wrote:
Frieslander, you're still in "cocktail party" mode with this woman. You're polite and chatty and charming (as we all are supposed to be at a cocktail party), but you also are not allowed to discuss topics that you wouldn't discuss at a lighthearted party. I was always taught that it was impolite to discuss the following at a cocktail party:

1) politics,
2) religion, and

3) {sex}

I put this last one in braces because of course I wasn't told not to discuss sex, it was just assumed I never would and I had to learn the hard way.

These are the golden three. You can't get into trouble if you stay away from them until a time when you know each other better.


Heh. I've already talked about the other things (religion and sex), and she didn't seem to mind at all. Politics was bad, though.



Frieslander
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22 Jan 2013, 10:41 am

mv wrote:
Frieslander wrote:
Never been to a cocktail party, so this analogy doesn't work that well for me :)


Okay, let's make it "church picnic" for you. :wink: At least I assume it's analagous; I've never been to a church picnic.


Never been to a church picnic, either, and I'm glad I haven't .



thewhitrbbit
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22 Jan 2013, 11:35 am

I agree that it is good to get to know someone's political views. I know I would have trouble dating an extreme liberal, or an extreme conservative, some people are hesitant to share that outright.

She also might be apathetic, or just fed up with the whole system. I know one girl who doesn't talk politics because she feels both sides are so corrupt.



machf
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22 Jan 2013, 5:58 pm

mv wrote:
Frieslander, you're still in "cocktail party" mode with this woman. You're polite and chatty and charming (as we all are supposed to be at a cocktail party), but you also are not allowed to discuss topics that you wouldn't discuss at a lighthearted party. I was always taught that it was impolite to discuss the following at a cocktail party:

1) politics,
2) religion, and

3) {sex}

I put this last one in braces because of course I wasn't told not to discuss sex, it was just assumed I never would and I had to learn the hard way.

These are the golden three. You can't get into trouble if you stay away from them until a time when you know each other better.

My mother says my grandfather always said that "at the table, you shouldn't talk about politics or religion". I'd add to that football (meaning soccer, for those in the U.S., but I guess for them football -their version- would be the equivalent, so let's just keep it as 'football' for everyone). As Tequila said, usually they're divisive issues.

(Sex is a different matter, if you don't talk about it, it's for other reasons... I'd say mostly because you don't discuss bodily functions at the table.)



machf
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22 Jan 2013, 6:01 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I've been out with a young woman on 2 dates, yet the topic of religion or politics were never brought up, what worries me most is religion, she doesn't know I am atheist yet but I should let her know somehow before or during the 3rd date? She's not a practicing muslim per se but it still can be a deal breaker for her.

As long as you don't try to impose your viewpoint on her and/or vice-versa, I wouldn't expect it to be a problem... but if any of you is fanatical, well...