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release_the_bats
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07 Sep 2008, 12:35 am

The last time I talked to him (a few days ago), we considered ourselves a couple, but:

He lives in a city next to mine but separated by a large body of water.

He does not have any money, and probably won't for a while (complicated job situation).

He does not have a phone (no money).

He does not use the Internet.

He does not have a car.

He can rarely even afford bus fare to see me.

He has this issue I've never encountered before - he gets really depressed if I spend any money on him and he doesn't want to be around me without spending money on me. I've tried discussing this, tried different solutions, made little to no progress. So I doubt this will ever change.

And we both have really busy schedules, just trying to get the rent paid, and we both need a lot of time to ourselves as well.

I'm getting discouraged by these logistics. He's a nice guy, he makes me laugh, we can talk about anything . . . I've never met anyone I could relate to so well. There's really an incredible connection. And yet these issues are making it seem, on a day to day basis, like I'm single.

I'm really confused. I know you can't tell me what to do because you don't know either of us, but any insight would be appreciated.



KingChaosNinja
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07 Sep 2008, 12:43 am

It's over when it's over. What you really have to ask yourself is if you want out. I know it's kinda cliché but there is a monologue that I think sums it up rather accurately.

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever, gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do... believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."

I hope it all works out.


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Fnord
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07 Sep 2008, 12:45 am

Interesting how you mentioned the issue of money five times (4x "money" & 1x "afford")... I assume that wealth is important to you in your relationship ... ?


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Haliphron
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07 Sep 2008, 12:50 am

So he's employed yet flat broke? I dont know what to tell ya. It sounds like he really needs to either get his s**t together
and find a way to get the cash to be able to see you and if he cant or wont do that then maybe it is time to eventually seperate and move on. I still cant believe that he doesnt have a freakin Phone! Thats f****d up......:?



KingChaosNinja
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07 Sep 2008, 1:01 am

Being supportive......

Image


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MR_BOGAN
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07 Sep 2008, 4:31 am

release_the_bats wrote:
He has this issue I've never encountered before - he gets really depressed if I spend any money on him and he doesn't want to be around me without spending money on me. I've tried discussing this, tried different solutions, made little to no progress. So I doubt this will ever change.


He feels bad because he cannot provide for you. Maybe if money is an issue, you could think of stuff he could do for you that doesn't require money.



ImTheGuyThatDidThat
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07 Sep 2008, 4:47 am

MR_BOGAN wrote:
release_the_bats wrote:
He has this issue I've never encountered before - he gets really depressed if I spend any money on him and he doesn't want to be around me without spending money on me. I've tried discussing this, tried different solutions, made little to no progress. So I doubt this will ever change.


He feels bad because he cannot provide for you. Maybe if money is an issue, you could think of stuff he could do for you that doesn't require money.


I agree with MrBogan, i used to have big problems accepting
anything from girls i was with or let them buy anything for me,
just felt so wrong, felt like a freeloader in a way. Might be the
way i`m raised, guys pay. I was flate broke for a while and
pushed a girl i liked away because i felt i had nothing to offer,
i would only be a load on her shoulders or something and i cant
live like that - actually it was a girl that made me pull my s**t
together in some ways, i wanted to be with her so i did what i
had to do to be able to be with her and dont stress out every
time someone said the word money



release_the_bats
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07 Sep 2008, 10:10 am

Fnord wrote:
Interesting how you mentioned the issue of money five times (4x "money" & 1x "afford")... I assume that wealth is important to you in your relationship ... ?


No, wealth is not important to me, but money becomes important when you do not have any.

I've been with him for three months. At first, he was homeless. Then he got a place to live. Now the money he makes goes to rent. He's also being severely ripped off by his boss. He and his co-workers are trying to do something about it, but it's a slow process.

Also, he's aspie-ish in some ways - likes routine, gets stressed out by change, etc. He could find a new job, but he's really overwhelmed by the process and keeps thinking his boss will pay what he owes him. This is relevant because it means he rarely has a phone, bus fare, etc. He can't even afford clothes or food. It's really bad. But I'm powerless to help because he doesn't accept material help from people. He's really depressed about all of this. He wants to be able to provide for me.

Yes, I'll try to keep sticking it out and suggesting free things to do, as I have been. And when I get the chance, I'll talk to him about all of this again.

It's like I found the right guy at the wrong time. So maybe if I'm patient, the right time will come along. Or maybe the right time came and went before I knew him. :(



Fnord
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07 Sep 2008, 1:34 pm

release_the_bats wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Interesting how you mentioned the issue of money five times (4x "money" & 1x "afford")... I assume that wealth is important to you in your relationship ... ?

No, wealth is not important to me, but money becomes important when you do not have any.

Ahh ... so while money can't buy you everything, poverty buys you nothing!

Got it.


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release_the_bats
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07 Sep 2008, 4:27 pm

Fnord wrote:
release_the_bats wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Interesting how you mentioned the issue of money five times (4x "money" & 1x "afford")... I assume that wealth is important to you in your relationship ... ?

No, wealth is not important to me, but money becomes important when you do not have any.

Ahh ... so while money can't buy you everything, poverty buys you nothing!

Got it.


Everything in life is hard when you're broke and starving, so that includes relationships, of course. :lol: That's what I'm dealing with. It's an old, familiar story; I've been on all sides of it - broke with partner who is broke, broke with partner who is just getting by, and now just getting by with partner who is broke . . .

Some would tell me, "Just find a man who's better off financially and you'll be all right even if you never make more than just enough to get by," but I just don't think that way! My brain does not assess people based on their financial status and it never will. I only care about personality, taste in music, sense of humor, etc. I think those things are more important than how much money you have, as long as you're not starving and homeless or on the verge of becoming homeless. That's when things get complicated, of course.



JohnHopkins
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07 Sep 2008, 5:24 pm

Is it over?

Looking at your post, I'd say - is WHAT over?

You have virtually no contact with the guy, he can't see you, won't accept money but has no money. I'd say there's nothing there to salvage, what future can you have unless he wins the lottery?



KingChaosNinja
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07 Sep 2008, 5:29 pm

I say stick with it. Things may be hard, it may not feel like you're always with that person all the time, it may seem like the circumstances out weigh everything, but what you said,

Quote:
He's a nice guy, he makes me laugh, we can talk about anything . . . I've never met anyone I could relate to so well. There's really an incredible connection.

Those two sentences, everyday I hope to myself I could honestly say that about someone else someday. Sure you may not feel together at the moment, but do you really not want to be together at all?


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release_the_bats
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07 Sep 2008, 5:39 pm

JohnHopkins wrote:
You have virtually no contact with the guy, he can't see you, won't accept money but has no money. I'd say there's nothing there to salvage, what future can you have unless he wins the lottery?


Miraculously, we've been somehow managing to spend two or three days per week together in spite of these circumstances, so that must mean something!

Sometimes he borrows someone else's phone to call me, or while we're hanging out we agree on when and where to meet again, or we randomly run into each other, or I go and find him.

It's just that now that this has been going on for so long, the stress is beginning to wear on me. I never know when I'll see him again. There's no way to call and change plans, or make plans.

For example, today, he called me and told me to call him back at a certain number. But I got the message 4 hours later because I was busy with loud music, and by that time, he was gone.

It's like this relationship is starting out with a really long test of strength. I hope I can make it. Come December or January, we both should have better sources of income and should therefore be able to do things like paying phone bills and using public transportation.



MR_BOGAN
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07 Sep 2008, 5:51 pm

Stick it out be bats, you're an awesome chick, a lesser women wouldn't have given up on him. 8)

He'll get himself sorted out, sounds like he is just going through a rough patch.



Haliphron
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07 Sep 2008, 6:46 pm

release_the_bats wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Interesting how you mentioned the issue of money five times (4x "money" & 1x "afford")... I assume that wealth is important to you in your relationship ... ?


No, wealth is not important to me, but money becomes important when you do not have any.

I've been with him for three months. At first, he was homeless. Then he got a place to live. Now the money he makes goes to rent. He's also being severely ripped off by his boss. He and his co-workers are trying to do something about it, but it's a slow process.

Also, he's aspie-ish in some ways - likes routine, gets stressed out by change, etc. He could find a new job, but he's really overwhelmed by the process and keeps thinking his boss will pay what he owes him. This is relevant because it means he rarely has a phone, bus fare, etc. He can't even afford clothes or food. It's really bad. But I'm powerless to help because he doesn't accept material help from people. He's really depressed about all of this. He wants to be able to provide for me.

Yes, I'll try to keep sticking it out and suggesting free things to do, as I have been. And when I get the chance, I'll talk to him about all of this again.

It's like I found the right guy at the wrong time. So maybe if I'm patient, the right time will come along. Or maybe the right time came and went before I knew him. :(


Im curious to know: if he cant afford food then HOW does he eat??? Does he goto the foodbank regularly? I have to wonder what job he has cuz if he has no car or busfare money how does he even get to work? :?