My Obsessive Mind (With Apologies)

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irishmic
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07 Nov 2005, 11:28 pm

I've been looking for a topic here that said how my obsessive mind thwarts relationships.
While the subject seems to be imbedded frequently in other topics, their seemed to be no directly related topic, so I am creating one.

Seems like every time I like someone I start obsessing.
Not only does my obsessing drive me crazy, it frequently creates negative feelings in the other party. Am I just doomed to be obsessive in relation to my Aspergers or what? Sure would like to get some input from my fellow Aspies. Meanwhile I'm going to stick my head in a bucket of ice water and blow bubbles. :lol:



Nomaken
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08 Nov 2005, 1:57 am

This is a problem all lonely people experiance but never ever articulate. An aura of obsessive clingyness will turn most people off. So you need to act totally almost totally indifferent when searching for someone. You need to keep a perfect balance of the shadow of apparent interest to attract a good mate, and then you need to not pounce them like a man dying of thirst into an oasis if they proposition you. It is going to suck. I'm not going to lie to you. It is going to suck like a tornado sucks a straw through a telephone pole.

Your best bet is to operate completely FOR YOUR SELF. Become okay with the prospect of never EVER having a mate. Become okay and happy with that idea. Find someone who has the emotional support capacity that can handle you, and then after gaining their trust start gradually letting them see your true self.


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irishmic
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08 Nov 2005, 2:23 am

Nomaken, the top part of your post is really good.
Also, I agree that one should first be completely comfortable with themself, and be comfortable being alone. One should look for compatability on many levels including emotional and spiritual.
One should be a tranquil stream of information flowing gently down a prescribed path, rather then a rushing tide, and never a tsunami.

I take issue with your statement that one should "operate completely FOR YOUR SELF."
To steal a line from a famous poet: "If I am not for my self who will be, but if I am only for myself what am I?" I would argue that one is a self conceded ass deserving of only the pretense of love.
It is far better to act compassionately, lovingly and appreciatively to all. In short, become what you want to ideally attract.

However, none of this deals with the fact that I often become ungrounded when my heart begins to flutter, and I find myself acting obsessively instead of calmly, rationaly, and respectfully. I want to know how much of this has to do with AS, how much has to do with just simply being human, and what other people on the spectrum have experienced in relation to it in their own lives.



Nomaken
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08 Nov 2005, 2:49 am

I really should have expanded upon what i said. What i meant was dont be healthy because you want to get a mate, dont excersize because you want a mate, dont look good and change yourself because you want a mate. If you do this, although you may achieve all of these things your desperation will filter down through your efforts.

"So you go to the gym 3 times a week? I guess you really must like to excersize."
"Not really. Im just trying to look good."

If however you manage to convince yourself that you are being healthy for yourself, excersizing because you want and like to excersize, adopting tedious habits to look good because you wanna look good, then not only will you do a lot of really good things for yourself and be happy about it, but your attitude will be generally really attractive.


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And as always, these are simply my worthless opinions.
My body is a channel that translates energy from the universe into happiness.
I either express information, or consume it. I am debating which to do right now.


irishmic
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08 Nov 2005, 9:04 am

Nomaken is wiser then I gave him credit for at first.
In short, Become what you want to ideally attract.
Most of is ideally want to attract someone who is physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. Since that is what we ideally want, if we want to be attractive, then we should work on cultivating the same things. We should do so not necessarily because we want to attract a mate, but because we first and formost want to be attractive to ourselves. Only by being attractive to ourselves in a healthy way do we create the space to allow others to be attracted to us.



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08 Nov 2005, 2:17 pm

Nomaken wrote:
I really should have expanded upon what i said. What i meant was dont be healthy because you want to get a mate, dont excersize because you want a mate, dont look good and change yourself because you want a mate. If you do this, although you may achieve all of these things your desperation will filter down through your efforts.

"So you go to the gym 3 times a week? I guess you really must like to excersize."
"Not really. Im just trying to look good."

If however you manage to convince yourself that you are being healthy for yourself, excersizing because you want and like to excersize, adopting tedious habits to look good because you wanna look good, then not only will you do a lot of really good things for yourself and be happy about it, but your attitude will be generally really attractive.

Nomaken is right. I'd like to drive the point further, though. Cultivate your inner narcissist. You are oh so fortunate: You are the confluence of physical prowess, mental fluidity, high wit, and keen observation in one ideal mortal. The world is a pearl in your delicious oyster. Command it with unstuttering confidence. You have absolutely zero need to prove yourself to anyone for any reason because you're already aware of your innate self-worth, and that's all that matters. Furthermore, let the women come to you; then, treat them like crud! Never let them get too close to you emotionally; just let them fawn over you.

Of course, I couldn't be being ironic...



KenM
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08 Nov 2005, 6:55 pm

irishmic wrote:
I've been looking for a topic here that said how my obsessive mind thwarts relationships.
While the subject seems to be imbedded frequently in other topics, their seemed to be no directly related topic, so I am creating one.

Seems like every time I like someone I start obsessing.
Not only does my obsessing drive me crazy, it frequently creates negative feelings in the other party. Am I just doomed to be obsessive in relation to my Aspergers or what? Sure would like to get some input from my fellow Aspies. Meanwhile I'm going to stick my head in a bucket of ice water and blow bubbles. :lol:


I think you should go to ALAnon.



irishmic
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08 Nov 2005, 7:52 pm

Thanks KenM I am going tonight (Tuesday).
How about you?

NeantHumain wrote:
Cultivate your inner narcissist. You are oh so fortunate: You are the confluence of physical prowess, mental fluidity, high wit, and keen observation in one ideal mortal. The world is a pearl in your delicious oyster. Command it with unstuttering confidence. You have absolutely zero need to prove yourself to anyone for any reason because you're already aware of your innate self-worth, and that's all that matters. Furthermore, let the women come to you; then, treat them like crud! Never let them get too close to you emotionally; just let them fawn over you.


Thanks NeantHumain I'm flattered.
Hard to disagree with much of what you wrote.
Except I do disagree with treating them like crud and not allowing them to get too emotionally close to me. Perhaps that is my problem. :jester: Perhaps I want them to be too emotionally close. Perhaps I'm just a beating heart looking for a dagger. But then that would make me more of a masochist then a narcissist. Therefor, maybe I'll try what you suggested and see how well it works.



irishmic
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11 Nov 2005, 8:24 pm

Nah doesn't work.
Not at all the effect I was looking for.

Guess I will try cultivating compassion and tender heartedness.



NeantHumain
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11 Nov 2005, 9:20 pm

irishmic wrote:
Nah doesn't work.
Not at all the effect I was looking for.

Guess I will try cultivating compassion and tender heartedness.

So kindness, modesty, generosity, emotional understanding, open-mindedness, and cooperation are to be considered virtues now?



irishmic
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12 Nov 2005, 3:04 am

NeantHumain wrote:
So kindness, modesty, generosity, emotional understanding, open-mindedness, and cooperation are to be considered virtues now?

Nah, they always were virtues.
I, like so many others, have a tendency to forget from time to time.
Forgetting rarely serves me well.