Interesting situation... very odd position

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Recently my girlfriend had been seeing this new guy as a friend. She doesn't have that many friends in her appartment, in fact, she doesn't have any, besides for this one guy. They knew each other for about a week, and he sounded really cool, and not at all interested in her. Well, she went over to see him two days ago late at night, and he told her that he really liked her and that she had to choose between either seeing me or being hanging around him. She really liked this guy -- as a friend... and when I went over to see her yesterday, she told me this. Now, my girlfriend has been through a lot for a 22-year-old and I am only 18. But she told me she was going to pick me... and she did this with tears in her eyes and everything... I really felt bad about this, and kind of pissed off, because her "friend" had made her sucidal when he said that to her --- that he liked her.

I am really happy she choose me, because she knows I love her so much and we have a lot of fun together. The problem is that it puts me in an odd situation that this came up. I don't want her to cut herself or anything because of this guy and what he might say to her. Sigh... my girlfriend also has scitzophrania (sp) so it's hard for me to know what to do. What would you do if you were in my position? I am very grateful she choose me, but I dunno... I just hate to see her cry and all.

1. You support her through this.

2. You thank her for her decision.

3. You can and see this friend of hers and try and convince him that you can co-exist. If he can get over his feelings for her, then he can see her, because it's a total BS move for him to make her choose. If he can't get over it, then I guess it is over for the two of them. It sucks that your girlfriend can't have friends that way, though. So I think it's worth a shot for her sake.

Yeah, I supported her a lot -- wiping tears away, weighing the options with her, talking about it, telling her that I love her -- stuff like that. It was very hard for her and hard for me too. When she said she choose me, I was very grateful and told her as such -- made her feel like she made the right choice, which I believe she did. I mean, the other guy has kids and is in this 30's -- but I thanked her a lot. The rest of the night was better after we talked about it.

I don't think she would want to go see the friend of hers with me. It might be very awkward. So far, I think I have done everything right -- I am just hoping she calls me soon. Anything could have happened since then. The guy doesn't sound dangerous, but I hope he didn't hurt her or make her cry more in any way.

^
What he said

If I was still single:
If a girl showed up at my place late at night, and I knew she had a boyfriend, I'd tell her she couldn't hang out with me as long as she had the boyfriend. I don't think it's a "BS move" to do so. It's defining what is and is not acceptable behavior to the third-party. I wouldn't feel right hanging out late at night, alone with someone else's girl. At best it would feel like murky-relationship territory. At worst, it could develop into a relationship "angle".

Now I wouldn't have said "choose me or him", instead something like "I'm not comfortable hanging out with you late at night since you have a boyfriend." But we don't have a first-hand account of the conversation, and I could easily see how the second phrase could be interpretered as the first.

I think you should stay away from the other guy. He's articulated what he wants and you're not going to change that - no matter what his true feelings / motivations are.

I have no problem having a girl over late. If she makes a move on me and I know she has a boyfriend... thats when I'll say sorry but no thanks.

Same with the other way. If I had a girlfriend who said I want to go hang out with this guy I wouldn't forbid it. A relationship is only good for me if we both want to be in it.

However this is a different situation, this new guy sounds manipulative and hurtful towards your girlfriend, and is putting her in situations no "friend" would put her in. It is setting my danger alarm off, as your girlfriend was strong enough to resist him once but may not be strong enough to ward off his manipulations in the future, especially if she is in a fragile state (caused by him!) as you say. This is no friend of hers this is a manipulative guy who has an interest in her romantically. If I were you I would explain your view of the situation and your worries (making it clear that you think this friend is after more than friendship and that continuing to see him will be dangerous for your relationship), tell her you love and support her, and say the choice of what to do is up to her.

But... I'd definitely take all that with a grain of salt .

Everything is taken care of now. She talked to him last night and he said sorry for putting her in that position and he wasn't thinking when he did that -- so things are completely back to normal. I am really glad the whole thing is resolved now, because all my girlfriend really wanted was a friend in her appartment who she could hang around with and has things in common with; she hates being alone and needs someone to talk to in person when I am not there. No, but she would never cheat on me or anything like that -- she is a very spirtual person and would never do such a thing. Thanks for all the help, peeps -- if anything else comes up, I'll be sure to post it here.

Oh and communicate! If she has something she needs to say you want her coming to you rather than turning to him. Call her and ask how she is doing, don't wait for her to call you.

Also show her how his manipulations are hurting her. If she ends up as "friends" with this guy I think she'll be entering an abusive relationship with him. If she continues to hang out with him nothing good will come from it. She has only known him for a week and she is suicidal and thinking of hurting herself because of him? No good at all I think she needs to cut him off.

Sorry but guys like this give nice guys like me a bad rap and it really pisses me off. I hope she sees how much of a better man you are than that other idiot.