Disillusionment & coming to terms with things...

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in my case it wouldn't be exactly anxiety, but rather disillusionment. I was in a relationship for 5 years, we were both deeply in love with each other, we had many things in common, same age, same cultural background, etc, planned to spend the rest of our lives together, have kids, get married, etc. It didn't work out, we are completely out of each other's life. Rational or irrational, these are my conclusions: If even such a relationship (mutual love among apparently compatible people) failed, then what chance is there that any relationship will work for me? For a long time I've felt that anything other than a serious relationship was not worth the trouble - but after this I also feel that entering a serious relationship would just be entering another failed relationship, and I simply don't see the point of doing so again. So at some level I want a relationship, but at another I don't. Theoretically, in an abstract way yes, I would like a gf, but in practice I see no realistic alternative to either casual dating that neither interests me nor is really possible given my social skills, or the remote possibility of a serious relationship that will fail anyway. Maybe I'm slowly beginning to come to terms with being alone, with accepting that I will die alone, as the lesser evil to realistic alternatives. There are few people I have any chance of being compatible with, which obviously doesn't help - what would be the chances of me being in a relationship mutually in love twice in my life?

Why is a relationship that's ended considered a failure?

Relationships end sometimes. If you weren't right for each other, you weren't right for each other. And yeah, future relationships might end too. But if you want to end up with someone, you've got to be willing to take a chance on love, cause that's what a relationship is, is taking a chance.

And it's entirely possible to be in love more than once. Some people fall in love, get married, get divorced, marry someone else and die happy with them instead.

If it was a serious one (casual dating is expected to be temporary), what else can it be considered, unless it ended with somebody dying? A mistake, maybe.



I see my chances as so remote that it is simply not worth taking them, assuming I could even get another relationship in the first place. Given how badly I relate to people, and how women usually respond to me, that I got a relationship at all is fairly amazing, that it was a serious one with mutual love and so on at first was nothing short of miraculous; that even that ended up badly I feel puts me beyond hope. It's like hitting the jackpot and then finding yourself homeless.



I know. I don't really want to, however - I do not feel it would be worthwhile putting myself through the whole thing again.

Anxiety/disillusionment/negative thinking just semantics. I don't have to be a psychological genius to work out that this is predominantly a learnt behaviour given that you have had one successful relationship, so you have every chance of doing it again. Maybe you need to come to terms with the first one first.

I not yet achieved one yet (but not givving up) but posts like this just completely uninspiring and negative for the sake of being negative. 5 years is bloody incredible amount of time to have a relationship.

No, an experience. A great time that ended up being less so at the end. The relationship itself may have failed, but that does not make it a failure in your life context. Loads of people on here would kill for a five year relationship, and you've been there, you've done it.



I see it differently. I see it as proving that you are capable to have a great relationship even though it ended, and proving that there are people out there that can love you.



If you don't consider it worth risking any more, then yeah, you'll definitely end up alone. This kind of thing doesn't just fall into your lap 9 times out of 10.

^ Good words, JH.


M.

First off, I´d like to commend JohnHopkins for his intelligence and astute observations. Wow!

So, for pbcoll: it sounds to me like you´re still going through a mourning phase about your relationship ending. How long ago did the breakup occur? This is normal, although not pleasant. I think it´s also normal, especially after a longer relationship, to go through a period of self doubt...all sorts of feelings will probably come up, you just have to allow yourself to go through this, without trying to obsess too much or get too overly negative (I know! Easier said than done!) My guess is that you are not ready for a relationship yet anyway, as you still need time to process/get over this one, which may explain why you´ve had some of the feelings you´ve been having. Though it may be hard to believe now...especially while going through this phase...things can change, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep in mind...sometimes, a relationship starts off perfectly wonderful, but then the people grow apart. This doesn´t mean the whole relationship was a failure, rather, it was meant to be an experience in that particular time frame. Sometimes, only one partner grows apart from the other...this may be hard on the partner who was "left behind". However, it also doesn´t mean that that particular person was at fault. Give yourself a break; allow yourself to mourn, but try to do things you enjoy, and stay away, to the best of your ability, from negativity...women can sense that, you know.

And, realize your relationship was a big achievement! I´m a 47 year old (self diagnosed) woman, and, to date, I have never had a relationship that lasted as long as 5 years!

Don´t know if that makes you feel better or worse, just so you know that you are not alone...

It happened years ago - if I'm still going through a mourning phase, then it seems to be a permanent one. But I think rather than mourning it's like disillusion - I imagine divorced people often feel, if they re-marry 'Well, it'll most likely end in divorce again, but it's better than nothing.' That is roughly how I feel, so at some level I don't see a point in starting at all - I just couldn't commit to a person at that level ever again I don't think.




I do not lay all the blame on myself - the feeling is not 'I'm unworthy of a long-term relationship' but 'I can't make a relationship work.'



When it happened, my reaction was to shut down emotionally. There were lots of other thing going wrong in my life at the time, from serious family problems (including a death) to problems at uni to ending friendships, etc. I tried counselling, it helped somewhat but I still shut down in the end. That I think had some permanent effects, it certainly did something to my sense of humour, my views on friendship, etc.



I try. Unfortunately they're solitary activities, and trying to make them into something sociable has been a miserable failure.



I do not know if that is the cause, but lately it seems I draw out the worst in women - especially women that are nice and generous to everyone else, especially in women I thought were my friends.



One of my greatest regrets is allowing it to fester for so long...




It was clearly not successful. And I have no desire of going through the whole thing again. In any case, I have no idea how to pick a girl up at a bar or club, never done it successfully, and I don't even like bars and clubs (or even dancing); I have no idea how to flirt or, worse, how to respond to flirting or identify genuine flirting; I do not know how to connect with people generally. But even without these obstacles, one that I don't take seriously I see as not worth the trouble; the other type, I don't want to go through the failure again.



I invested too much in it emotionally for me not to consider it a failure in my life context.



I know. That's why I compared it to winning the jackpot.



True, such people exist, but are too rare...


It doesn't help that I've had various bad experiences with my peers (both men and women, but particularly with women) lately - I arouse such reactions in my female acquaintances (regardless of whether I wanted to date them or not) that lately I'm frankly staying away from women altogether - I notice that the less they know me, the less hostile they are.

pbcoll:

Yes, judging by what you write, it sounds like you are still in a mourning phase. Keep in mind, there is no specific time period for a mourning phase; it can be over relatively quickly, or it can take longer. Since you had to deal with other factors at around the same time as your breakup, it makes sense to me that you have a lot to process and "get over"...this may take time. Yes, I know all about disillusionment! I´ve experienced it many, many times before! This may also be a by-product of the mourning. To me, objectively, it sounds like you´re not ready for a new relationship now anyway, that may be why things are not working for you at the moment. That doesn´t mean it will never happen again. But if you try it too soon, before you´ve come to terms with everything, it may not work and then you would end up even more disillusioned. That would be even worse; so, sometimes it´s healthier to be alone for a time.

I think it´s perfectly fine that the activities you do that make you happy are solitary activities (sorry, I can´t seem to get the quote/highlight thing to work today, so I can´t quote you); the important thing is that these things make YOU happy. That is a good, productive way to get over a difficult phase...distract yourself with pleasurable activities.

You mention that you have a hard time picking up girls in clubs, flirting, etc.; well, join the club! Who of us can? I have the same problems with guys, and I´m sure most people on WP would agree. However, there are other ways to meet people....at work, through some activity of interest.... You probably need to find a different strategy...(I know I do). I´m sure there´s an answer.

I don't know, but I think it more likely that my desire to have a relationship will just wither away, starved by frustration, that I will effectively forget what a relationship is like, and that whatever skills I might have for that will just finish atrophying.
Not getting over it makes me angry at myself, it makes me angry that I am too weak to pull myself together and get over the past.




I've run out of ideas. My colleagues that I would date are all taken for the long haul; activities have never worked for me at all, not even for making friends.

Thanks, anyway, to you and JH.

What hurts the heart most of all is when a relationship ends, and you know you were right for each other.

I've had it happen once, and it will always eat away at me.

So the mourning phase might very well be permanent for some of us. I chose to continue "living"... though, admittedly, the world is much less bright and meaningful. It's pure nihilism.

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