Taking a stand

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I finally got fed up and took a stand against someone who gave me the shoulder. I've had a few attempts at dating, all ending the same way. I'd get a number, or maybe even a first date, and then they'd never respond to my callbacks or emails. Never gave me a chance, and just dropped me like a bad habit.

This last time was especially painful. I met a girl with whom we shared so many interests. Same alma mater, a love of running, same TV shows. We met several times for a run, and ultimately for dinner and a movie. We hung out late into the night, and the date ended with my first kiss ever (albeit a peck on the lips that was one step above kissing your own fist). I got such an incredible vibe from her, and thought I actually had a shot at my first relationship. I couldn't wait to change that status on Facebook.

And then, it happened again. Every couple of days, I'd call to see how her new job was going, or if she was watching the Olympics. No response. I messaged her. No response. I wondered if it was an emergency thing, or if she was busy, but she had clearly been on Facebook, and had time to update things, and post stuff, and reply to friends on the wall. I had been shut out.

So this time, I wrote her a long letter saying how I felt, how much I had liked her, and most of all, how much I was hurt by what she had done (or rather, hadn't). I told her that if she didn't think we were right for each other, or if I had done something wrong, she should have told me. I'd have been sorry it didn't work out, but at least I would have had a reason, instead of being ignored so suddenly that I felt used, and discarded.

I'm sad at how it turned out, but I feel proud for standing up and saying "This isn't right. You don't treat people like this."

Anyways, I'm off to TA a class. It's a total waste of time, but at least I'm being paid for it (albiet not much. F You SIUC)

BR

it happened to me too. you did well.

One question...you did know the phone number worked before you did this yes? I know it may sound a bit stupid but this happened to me and I found out later that i had written the phone number down wrong or the texts wern't getting there as it should...

But if it was working I think you did well...even if you got a good vibe from her if she treats you like that you shouldn't let her spin you. So well done you.

Not stupid at all. I often wonder the same thing when I call a number of times and don't get a reply. But in this case I was certain because I got her voicemail. Thanks though!

Brian

No problem mate

Well be sure to tell us if she responds.

Will do. Doubt if she'll bother, but keeping my fingers crossed!

Funny, just after I posted, I got a message from her. She said her family's phone plan minutes ran out this month, which was why she couldn't check her messages or call me back. Except this all began two weeks ago. Yeah, like anyone is going to let their cell link lapse that long. And considering she went to a private Catholic school, I doubt her family is THAT strapped for cash. And even if it were true, it still doesn't explain the lack of reply to my emails. And if you care that much, what about a freaking pay phone?

That's what drives me nuts about these damn relationships. Every time, I've had to do all the work. I do the calling, make the arrangements, pay for the f*ckin meals and movies. I can't even remember when they've called me wanting to chat. It starts to feel like they think they're doing me a solid just by talking, but don't care to take up any of the slack. I'm thinking the real problem is with the NTs, not us. No reciprocity, no effort. It's like they don't even care. That's why we have a leg up. At least we care...we just have more trouble at it, which is probably why we treasure these human connections all the more.

Anyways, after giving me that bullsh*t story, she gave me the usual spiel about how she didn't think we were meant to be, but she wants to stay friends. That sorry old line. Why do they still trot that out? It's as played out as those old pick up lines like "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" Its an insult to my intelligence.

I can't wait to be done with school, so I can start working on my career. I'm gonna work as hard as I can, climb my way to the top, and then when I'm there, I can be the one to pick and choose, and let the others call me. God, that'll be great.

BR

Apparently it is easier to make up a BS story than it is to admit the truth.
People, as a general rule, don't want to hear the truth. Thus, they sugar coat it with the understanding that what they are saying isn't what they mean, but at least the lie doesn't "feel" as bad.

It takes no effort to ignore someone. It is easy and the hope is that they realize after a couple calls what your doing and just give up. Nothing has to be exchanged, nothing has to be said.

With that said, there really isn't any point in griping at them for it. They aren't going to change. You know, before they open their mouth, exactly what they are going to say...so why force them to say it? (The only reason I'd see is just to make them uncomfortable, which can be rewarding in it's own way for sure)

You make a good point. I guess I'm approaching it from the stand point that, "Hey, I can understand if it wasn't working. You've got your own tastes, and I've got mine." I just feel that's it's cowardly to play the avoid game, and hope the problem goes away. That's no way to go through life. I want to know what my shortcomings were, so I could hopefully improve. Was it the long distance thing? Understandable. Was it something I did, or didn't do. Okay, I can improve on it in the future. But just being avoided is doubly worse for the sufferer. Not only have you been abandoned, but you never know why, which makes the prior relationship seem all the more random and meaningless. I was left feeling, "Well shoot, did what we have together mean anything at all? Or were you just bored, and knew I'd be good for a free dinner and movie?" Hopefully she learned that even the most non-confrontational, hands off approach can be painful, more so even than a frank "Where do you see this going," type conversation. I'd hope that, if she has a conscience, she'll remember in the future to be forthright, as well as gentle in a let down.

People aren't like that. She's gonna be just as ruthless for the next guy too. She probably thinks your weird because you called her on it. Believe me, I love "sticking it to them" just as much as the next guy. Just say'n the success rates of changing them are so close to 0% that if you actually plan on success your crazy.

Also, they never tell you what you did wrong...the perception is that if they tell you, you will think that if you fix it you have a shot with them again. I ask sometimes, usually my friends, and I never get a straight answer anyways. I get the "Oh, there's nothing wrong with you" or "You just weren't my type, nothing bad" or any variation of that. I could seriously sit down and script how most people are going to react given a certain circumstance. Sheep syndrome

Not gonna argue with you on that point, for sure. All the more reason why, at this point, I'm content to ditch the dating thing, and focus 100% on my personal goals (#1: Cinematography, 2: professional running), so when the time comes I can be choosy!

"Taking a stand for yourself" like this is likely to backfire, and you're lucky she responded relatively empathetically (although maybe she was not telling the complete truth about her reasons for not calling you back, who knows). Many women won't bother explaining themselves; others may respond cruelly or worse.

Personally, when women treat me like crap for them to simply step over, I tend to not care what they think or say.
If I'm gonna berate them, I'm going to do it because I'm already at the point of not caring anymore.
The only "backfire" is for her to tell her friends how your such a jerk...but it isn't like she was gonna hook you up with them anyways so who cares. You never met them, and most likely never will.

You know, were not all like that. Did you ever think that maybe your choosing the wrong kind of girl? If your going for the hot, attractive, popular girls, they're going to be very picky because they can have anyone. If you are going out with a regular down to earth girl, things would probably go better.

It's a little unfair to just label NT's as the problem. Myself and many others here have the opposite problem. We can't seem to get our Aspie guys to want a relationship. It's confusing on both sides.

We weren't "together" long enough to get to know any of her friends. Not to mention, I'm not planning on returning to that area for a long time.

As for standards, I don't think that was the issue. Looks for me are part of a package. I've met some women who were, for lack of a better word, hot, but utterly vapid, which for me negated the physical beauty. I've also met women who were not physically attractive...such as one with acne, a severe underbite, and some hygiene issues, but God she was smart and articulate. She rebuffed me like the rest (that one hurt). Basically the ones I pursue are those who I enjoy being around, whether it's chatting, or watching a favorite movie or TV show. The last one was particularly great to be around, which made the rejection all the more painful, and prompted me to respond. I'm obviously doing something wrong, but all this damn propriety keeps it a big secret. Sort of like that Price is Right game where you pick the numbers for the price of a car, and then they tell you how many you've got right (3 of 5, 2 of 5), except they don't' say which ones are incorrect, so you have to just keep switching them around, and pray to god you find the right combination. Sometimes it pays off before time runs out, but most of the time the contestant loses.

Which is why I aim to quit playing the game, and make my own rules. That's my advice to everyone. Do what you love, prosper and grow. Confidence and self assurance will follow, and you won't need to grovel. When all the more physically viable specimens burn out in their dead end jobs, the women will come to guys like us who are able to use our brains to provide a comfortable, stable lifestyle.

BR