Fantasy. Reality. Settling for Mr. Good Enough?

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i_Am_andaJoy
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02 Sep 2008, 3:53 pm

I live with a guy. He's nice. He puts up with me. I tell him pretty often that i appreciate his niceness, but i don't find him very physically/mentally attractive, and i don't think i will ever be madly in love with him. He usually just shrugs when i make these comments and says he is aware that i am a nut, and he loves me anyway, and that i should stay with him.

(and of course, i do stay, because i really don't have another choice regardless, i can't live by myself or afford to.)

but even though i feel he is not my "dream guy," i feel like i should be realistic about my options. that i should "settle."

what is comes down to, is that... if i was 100% healthy and functional, i should and would be with someone else. but i'm not. i'm somewhat broken, as is he. he can't read and i am crazy, and so that balances out. the kind of person i WANT would not want someone broken, they would want an equal partner... which i can't be, so that won't happen for me in this lifetime.

but even though i know i will never get the fantasy, and that i should accept the reality of things, and that i am luckier than most, i just... can't. i can't make myself feel attraction. i can't stop feeling sad and conflicted about it. but i can't see what else i can possibly do...

thoughts? suggestions? anyone in a similar situation?


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ToadOfSteel
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02 Sep 2008, 4:04 pm

If you're like me, the attraction would build over time. (of course, there's no guarantee that you're like me in that respect, but there is a possibility...)

I guess the only questions to ask yourself are:

1) Are you two happy together?
2) Is this something that won't degenerate into trying to kill each other?
3) Will it work in the long term?

Also, one more thing to keep in mind: The fact that you're with someone and it works makes you more fortunate than at least 75% of the people on this forum...

PS: Don't keep saying you're crazy. NT's call you that because they're afraid of you...



i_Am_andaJoy
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02 Sep 2008, 4:19 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:

I guess the only questions to ask yourself are:

1) Are you two happy together?
2) Is this something that won't degenerate into trying to kill each other?
3) Will it work in the long term?


sadly, i am not like you. i've known him 4 years so far.... but as for these questions:

1. i am not happy, but i am certainly MORE happy with him than i would be all alone. and he says he is happy.

2. well, he is not violent. i am another story. but no serious injuries so far. :wink:

3. maybe. i don't know. i'd like to have kids someday and i think he'd be an ok dad, but i'm not that thrilled about passing on his genetics. mine are enough to curse a kid with. we've lived together for about a year and i can stand to live with him i guess. i have my own room. he says if we got married i could still have my own room. :D


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ToadOfSteel
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02 Sep 2008, 4:33 pm

i_Am_andaJoy wrote:
sadly, i am not like you. i've known him 4 years so far.... but as for these questions:


Quote:
1. i am not happy, but i am certainly MORE happy with him than i would be all alone. and he says he is happy.

That is the important part. A bad relationship can mean you would feel happier being alone. Also, check to see if he feels the same way. Would he be happier on his own or not?

Quote:
2. well, he is not violent. i am another story. but no serious injuries so far. :wink:

I meant that more figuratively than literally. I was aiming more towards preventing ugly divorce proceedings if it didn't work out...

Quote:
3. maybe. i don't know. i'd like to have kids someday and i think he'd be an ok dad, but i'm not that thrilled about passing on his genetics. mine are enough to curse a kid with. we've lived together for about a year and i can stand to live with him i guess. i have my own room. he says if we got married i could still have my own room. :D

Having a kid would help cement the relationship. And aspie parents make better parents for an aspie or autie kid than NT parents do, since the aspie parents have an innate understanding the condition... My mother is an aspie, and I turned out quite well...



RogueProcess
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02 Sep 2008, 5:17 pm

I have to say, if you're not happy after 4 years, then it's most likely only going to get worse. Sure, being alone sucks, but I have always found it preferable to being in a somewhat hurtful relationship. Sure, there's no such thing as Mr. Perfect, but that's no reason to settle for merely adequate.



ToadOfSteel
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02 Sep 2008, 5:24 pm

She said she was happier in the relationship than being alone. If that applies to both partners, and there isn't any abuse involved, I see no reason for a relationship to continue (although these conditions can change over time, so you have to constantly re-evaluate...)



i_Am_andaJoy
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02 Sep 2008, 5:49 pm

RogueProcess wrote:
I have to say, if you're not happy after 4 years, then it's most likely only going to get worse. Sure, being alone sucks, but I have always found it preferable to being in a somewhat hurtful relationship. Sure, there's no such thing as Mr. Perfect, but that's no reason to settle for merely adequate.


the relationship is not hurtful.

so you do not think anyone should settle for adequate then? why not?

you are 22. it might be easier to have hope in "true love" or "the one" when you are 22. is that what you are basing your opinion on? that i might find someone better? or just that it is better to be alone if you cannot find love?

do you think that in ten tears you will feel the same? you would rather be alone and depressed than slightly less miserable?


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MR_BOGAN
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02 Sep 2008, 7:03 pm

You should break up with him and try and find someone that you are happy with.

It is not fair on him because it sounds like you are just using him and you are with him because you don't feel you can do any better. I actually find that rather selfish, he may be able to find someone that truely loves him.

Either learn to love him or get the hell out of the relationship.

So what if all of a sudden meet your so called Mr Right?? Would you straight away dump your current boyfriend and move on?



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02 Sep 2008, 7:18 pm

Every partner is "just right" as long as you don't raise your standards too high. I got lucky; my wife is better than "just right" - I sometimes wonder how I deserve someone so classy.


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02 Sep 2008, 8:41 pm

i wouldn't want to be settled for just because i am there.


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TheBladeRoden
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02 Sep 2008, 8:47 pm

My dating philosophy is aim for the stars, but take the moon if it's offered.


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i_Am_andaJoy
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02 Sep 2008, 9:03 pm

MR_BOGAN wrote:
You should break up with him and try and find someone that you are happy with.

i know this is the standard answer. but WHY? i can't just "find someone else." that is not an option. what's so bad about being sort of ok instead of happy?

MR_BOGAN wrote:
It is not fair on him because it sounds like you are just using him and you are with him because you don't feel you can do any better. I actually find that rather selfish, he may be able to find someone that truely loves him.

yes. this is a very good point. and i have actually raised it. several times. i have even said word for word, "i feel like i am basically using you because i can't do any better. don't you want someone who really loves you? if i married you i would be settling."

he said, "so what? settle."

i have been brutally honest and he still chooses to pursue me, so at this point i am past worrying about if i am being selfish or unfair. if he says, "amanda, i KNOW you are selfish. i am ok with it." well. what can you say to that?

MR_BOGAN wrote:
Either learn to love him or get the hell out of the relationship.

well yeah, either of those would be a nice trick. but neither is going to happen anytime soon. i have no desire to be homeless. been there done that.

MR_BOGAN wrote:
So what if all of a sudden meet your so called Mr Right?? Would you straight away dump your current boyfriend and move on?

i don't know what i would do. i can't really imagine that happening. i don't have a lot of interaction with people in the first place. i don't meet many people.


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i_Am_andaJoy
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02 Sep 2008, 9:09 pm

TheBladeRoden wrote:
My dating philosophy is aim for the stars, but take the moon if it's offered.


yes.... i think this is how i am feeling.


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ToadOfSteel
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02 Sep 2008, 9:34 pm

Normally I would say that waiting for someone better to come along would be a wise choice. However, you have something most people would kill for. You have a functioning relationship. That's worth holding on to. Even if you did meet your Mr. Right, would the relationship with him work?



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02 Sep 2008, 11:13 pm

The grass is not always greener on the other side and sometimes what we want is what we have but we just don't know it. How would you feel if he was taken from you suddenly? Would you miss him? Would you want him back? It almost seems that he has empowered you too much and you can't see the good in it. He's giving you unconditional love and support and understands how you function, I don't see how your going to get better. New man different problems. If your not finding him attractive then maybe you can find ways to spice that up. I bet he'd work with you on it. Play out a fantasy, explore your wild side.

Anyway, I think if you get along, you should stay with him. You don't have to get married or have kids but having someone that loves you is very comforting.


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ProtossX
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02 Sep 2008, 11:25 pm

hey uh WOW and you were calling me a jerk in my thread and now look at you, using you're b/f for all he's worth and taking him for a ride on the cash train.

seriously this is terrible and i gotta be honest cuz in my thread u were really rude to me

i dunno bout you but IF I DONT LIKE someone im happier by myself period so i really don't know where all this settle garbage comes into play

Im infinitely more happy spending my time by myself then being with someone who sucks especially if its a close intimate relationship I mean it would be the ultimate suck for me I guess its different for different people but all I know is I love my alone time and love my time with people I like to be around theres really no inbetween unless im getting paid at a job to be with someone which it sounds like is the deal with you cuz he sounds like your job to live etc