Why don't I have any affection for anyone?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm sixteen, and I haven't had a crush or even gave anyone a second glance my whole life. My Dad thinks I'm a lesbian since I haven't shown any interest in guys. He always tells me to not do anything "weird". I know I'm not like that, and he should just leave me alone. I really think I'm asexual (as in someone who doesn't show any interest in either gender). I don't know why, but I dislike the thought of having someone to like and pressure me into something I don't want.

I've felt that way too. I think we have to be patient. It may happen, but happen very slowly in its own time. The only thing you can do to help it along is to make yourself do things up to a certain limit, like get some clothes, not over the top, but a bit more feminine, if you're not doing that already, learn to use your social skills and interact a bit with some guys, join a club that is co-ed and see if you can't mix more with guys. In other words, give yourself a bit more of an opportunity than you are comfortable with, just enough stretch that you can handle, but not so much that it breaks you.

I found that when I went to college, there was a larger pool of people, so I could meet a few more that might have something in common with me.

There were times when I thought, "Gee. I can't stand any of the women I know." and then at another time I thought, "You know, I don't think I like men." And I felt so alone, but there are little connections along the way that help to ease it and as you get older you learn more coping skills. Talking about it here is a great step in the right direction.

And P.S. It may be a good idea to avoid being pressured into something you don't want. That's a good thing.

Asexual behavior is normal. And by that, I do not mean that everyone is asexual. No, I mean that on the "Sexuality Spectrum" there must be a sub-range for sexual dis-interest.

I hope that you don't think that you have to prove anything to your dad. Be true to yourself, and if that means that you don't feel sexually attracted to anybody, then so be it.

Don't force anything and don't pretend to be anything that you're not for anyone's sake.

Whatever will be, will be... in its own good time.

And if you're asexual, so what?

Parents will always place their (often unlrealistic) expectations on you. Don't worry, it's more of a reflection on them than it is on you.

Maybe when you meet someone you can respect.

It also occurred to me that you might learn that there are different forms of love. Romantic love is not the only kind. Very few people experience true compassion, but that is possible by anyone who tries sincerely. It's a long quest, but possible.

What I think is the case, my friend, is that you've never been in a romantic relationship, therefore you feel yourself being alienated and asexual. I have been single 21 years myself, and during that time I thought I was asexual. But I'm not, I am attracted to women, and being in a romantic relationship eventually will bring that out in me. Just because you haven't had a crush or gave anyone a second glance doesn't mean you are asexual, it merely means you haven't found the right person for you. And if you're asexual, that's fine, it is your choice to make. But I think you should be in a relationship before you deem yourself asexual. If you feel the fuzzies, then you know you're straight, that simple.

First post, hooray!


I know what you mean by that.

I have only felt something for one person my entire life and unfortunately that ended terribly(Her cheating on me etc) and I find it hard to believe I'll ever open up to someone like that again. It is really hard for me to discuss my feelings(Or lack thereof) with people and my ex is pretty much the only person I have ever let "in" and it turned out to be a mess.

I wonder how many people confuse "asexual" with homosexual and in denial?

My female friend confides in me, her parents think she is a lesbian, but she always likes to talk about a few select boys to me. I don't mind as I get the chance to talk about girls to her. I like to give her the male perspective. I had to tell her she was flirting but she was sure she wasn't.

I think the OP is just being too impatient. Sometimes things can happen slowly or just very quickly, I wouldn't be too quick to judge yourself

People always thought I was gay in school, even people closest to me. That was for the same reasons you find yourself in. If this is bothering you then just tell the people who matter to you the truth, that you aren't particularly interested in sex at the moment, and to hell with everyone else, you don't need to explain yourself to them.

And don't get hung up on the whole haven't had a relationship thing yet. You're only sixteen, I'm 22 and still have yet to have a serious relationship or sexual relations of any sort. Certainly don't rush into anything out of pressure to not be seen as lesbian, it could just hurt someone's feelings and compromise yourself in the long run. Let things progress at your own pace.

So you're wondering if you're asexual because you don't like the idea of having a boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn't respect your boundaries?

Being in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean you have to have sex. Nor does it mean your partner will try to make you do something you do feel comfortable doing. It happens, sometimes, but in a good relationship, that sort of thing should not happen.

Of course, I often feel the same as you: I wonder if I'll ever find someone to love, and as I get older, with still no experience to speak of in love, relationships and sex, I do fear that the only guys I DO meet will expect sex before I'm comfortable with it.

Or once you're in the relationship they'll want sex all the time. So if you're trying to make it long term, then you have to have sex with this person all the time for the rest of your life. It scares me. I left my last relationship because of that. I think, though, if there's a connection between you, you'l want to have sex with them. But sometimes that falls apart and they still want it. I don't know how people stay married.

Not that I know anything about anything, but I always got the impression that sex for young people is like a new toy, so they want it all the time, but as they age, sex becomes like wine, to be consumed (consummated, haha) on occasion, a welcome luxury. So if you're married for a while, it stops being new and just starts being comfortable.

But me, I'm turning 20 in a few weeks, and I'm afraid that most guys will assume I'm not a virgin, or decide they don't want a girl who's not good/experienced in bed.

Notice I'm 55. Seems to me that guys want sex longer than women. It all has to do with hormones. I tried bioidentical testosterone. It's a cream. It puts hair whereever you apply the cream and can give you acne. I may try it again at a lower dosage, if I ever find a boyfriend. If it works, I'll be adjustable. At least the progesterone and estrogen are working, so I feel healthy and can keep my weight normal and avoid osteoperosis and heart disease. Probably more than you want to know, but think back on this when you get middle aged. It'll proably be better understood by the time you get there.



I think a guy would think a virgin is kool. If he loves you, he won't care. He'll want to know the real you, exactly as you are. Be careful though, wait for someone you really care for to give that to. You don't want to regret giving your virginity to someone who doesn't value it.

I'm hoping I find someone who would love me enough to not have sex for loooooong stretches of time. Proabably not possible. Oh well.

Married sex drops off not because of lack of love but simply because of the pressures of life and our commitments to children, friends, work, housework etc. If you meet someone new you either don't have those pressures in your relationship yet or you're so keen on eachother that the partner comes first.... for a while.

You can't expect to go into a new relationship and abstain immediately.

By the same token... WonderWoman, by using creams and such, aren't you "pretending" to be someone you're not? If you're not in the mood then you need to be honest with your partner. There are other things you can do together.