Boyfriend not mentioning me to his family.

Post Reply New Topic

A few days ago I was talking to the guy I have been dating for the past six months. I asked him if he has told his father about me yet. He lives with his father; his father works in the city Monday through Thursday and goes home to another state on Thursday to spend the weekend with his wife. He said that he has not told his father anything about me. I felt kind of upset and asked him why. He said that he has rushed into relationships in the past and introduced people to his parents and his mother didn't like a lot of the people he dated. He also said that he went camping with a girl's family and then she sent him a "Dear John" letter telling him it was over. I told him that I still want to go out with him and get to know him more. We are both adults; he is in his forties and I am in my thirties.

He still asks me out even after that awkward discussion. I am confused because he is always good to me. He calls me, he sends me e-mails, he asks me out. He even asks me out far in advance. He invited me to go with him to a wedding at the end of October. So I don't think it's a case of him not being interested in me. He has never said that he wants to see other people or that he's not ready to make a committment or that he needs more space or anything like that. Guys, why would a guy not tell his family about a girl that he really likes? He said he doesn't want to jinx it. Should I just wait and see what happens? I would really like to meet his father but I don't want to demand to meet his father. I suspect he may be an aspie. He does invite me to social funtions quite a bit, however. Is this an indication that he is not serious? I mean, the fact that he has not mentioned me to his family.

Personally it would not bother me much, but that that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be open to the idea. I would not force the issue, though they can tell them when they are ready. I don't really see it as a major hurdle you must meet, there might be good reasons for not telling them. Some families like to be involved in each other's business even if they mean well. I generally do not mix well with such neurosis, so therefore there has to be sensible interactions.

Who are you dating? Your boyfriend or his parents?

Give him time, not telling them must mean that he cares about you enough to do things NOT to screw it up. I'd take it as a blessing

Well, IMHO I'd find it more comforting to keep as many people outside of a romantic relationship as possible, no matter who these other people may be. I'd want it to be just the two of us. Never more.

Relatives feel the worst to be told about a girlfriend if I ever had one.

It's likely that he hasn't told his parents out of fear that his wife would find out. This implies that he hasn't told his wife about his relationship with you.

And why should he? He gets the stable family home life with her, and a fun time with you.

Don't rock the boat.

Just a thought, could be embarrassed about his family and thinks you may run to the hills after meeting them. Parents and family are not always supportive and understanding.

I was never big into having my girlfriends meet my dysfunctional family because it would mean another layer of crap I would have to deal with from my family. Not to say my family was bad, but family can be a little too intrusive with questions and prodding and advice that made me want to just avoid it altogether.

I'd say be patient because this seems to be a touchy subject for him.

Fnord, I have the feeling you may have misinterpreted the original post (though, please, autisticstar, correct me if I'm wrong). I believe she meant the father's wife lives in another state. I don't think she meant that the guy she's dating is married.

As said earlier, autisticstar, I wouldn't read too much into him not mentioning you to his parents. If it's true that they have intervened in his past relationships, then I think you should take it as a sign that he truly wants his relationship with you to work out, and doesn't want to jeopardize it. Eventually, as the relationship deepens, you will meet them anyway. It's virtually an inevitability.

Aww, cr^p! You're right; I got it all wrong; My fault entirely. I am sorry.

My original "Don't rock the boat" advice still stands, though. If the OP presses the issue, then she may risk being perceived as pushy. If she "reminds" him now and then, she may risk being thought of as nagging or manipulative.

it could be that he has another girlfriend

Or it could be that since he's in his 40s his parents start on him about marrying any girl he goes on with on one date.

I second the "don't rock the boat" advice. After only 6 months, there is no need to meet the family. The only reason it would be important to do so at this point would be if you are going to get married or have a child together in the near future, which would not be good timing after only 6 months.

Have you tried simply taking interest in his family by asking questions about them? Have you had conversations where you compared notes on your families and your backgrounds (what it was like for you growing up, how you were raised, etc)?

Doing this shows you are interested in a long-term relationship. I think it is also an important thing to do before meeting each other's families. The more you get to know each other, the more solid the commitment to one another becomes, the more comfortable he will likely be with introducing you to his family.

But since this has evidently been a source of problems in the past, I think it is perfectly normal for him to be taking his time about this, and the more you respect and understand this, the better it will be for your relationship.

All long-term relationships involve dealing with each other's quirks and being very patient. I think that patience and tolerance for each other's differences are some of the most important ingredients to lasting relationships.

AS,
He doesn't want to loose you that way he lost his other girlfriends. You never know what his mother did to end those relationships. She could have very talked them out of seeing him. So he maybe protecting you.

Miyah has a point. Your boyfriend needs to be the priority here. If you concentrate on getting to know him for a while more, and you later want to meet his parents, insist on it. If he's a great guy you want to be with, there will be no convincing you otherwise if you've really come to love him, so there won't be any damage the parents have the power to inflict.

|-o-| V4der |-o-|