Perhaps it's just me swimming through my thoughts right now, but a lot of this stuff is just emotionally tiring and disheartening. I have to admit I have come an extremely long way since my diagnosis several years ago. I went from not being able to look someone in the eye and dead quiet to being able to make an A on a speech in a collegiate speech class. A lot of people have no clue that I even am an Aspie unless I tell them outright or I feel comfortable enough to shed my shell and show my true self.
But now that that's out of my system, let's get to the point. While I'm so much better than I used to be, I'm just still perplexed by my relationship difficulties. I'm very good at breaking the ice, and I'm fortunate enough to be a relatively attractive guy to make things a little bit easier on myself. I can keep the momentum going, make them feel comfortable around me, and get them to respond back to me. I've experienced kissing, and I've even experienced sex. But, just a true relationship... that's just something that's eluded me for years to come. I've come "oh so close" at times (see a thread a made a year ago that's several paragraphs long... very opening for a lot of Aspies IMO), but never been able to get the real thing. It's just painful to see everyone around me to get that experience while I continue to fail.
It took some deep intuitive thinking to probe into this shortcoming that's really hurting me. Perhaps it's because it's the one AS setback that I have yet to overcome. Perhaps it's because I was raised to seek out strong relationships by my family indirectly. But ultimately, I believe it lies with my fear of being alone. It's something that drives me into believing that I can do it in the first place, because the alternative is too much to really bear. I fear it more than the fear of the unknown... which is arguably everyone's ultimate fear to a degree.
But it also presents a problem as well. It presents a love (or crush, for better terms) addiction that is extremely difficult to break. No girl wants a "needy" guy, but in reality, that's essentially what I am. If I am going to succeed, I have to mask it just like any other AS trait I've overcome. It's a pretty vicious cycle, and it's probably what's hindering me the most in the long run. And quite frankly, "needy" may be an understatement. At times in my life, I can become absolutely disillusioned with a romance that leads to a beautiful night in New York where I purpose. I've barely even known the girl for 3 months. It's almost to the point where I set myself up for failure before I can even make a ground-breaking move. And let's not even mention the girl I've been partially courting for three years.
Now, here's a current situation. A great girl in my math class right now. I see here everyday... we've been playing "the game" for a couple months now. I'll flirt with her, she'll ignore me a little bit. I'll ignore back, she'll flirt with me a little bit. To my delight, I've gotten her to laugh a lot, which is something that I've struggled with in the past. Personally, I think I've done a pretty good job of tempering my expectations this time around compared to what I've done only a year ago. But they are still fairly enormous. I really feel like I can do something with her... I really like her. Quiet, reserved, smart, but knows how to have fun. And quiet gorgeous I might add. I feel comfortable enough to even kiss her if I ever get her alone, and I'm not scared of rejection.
Now, I do have one slight advantage in my back pocket. She always comes to me on Monday. We always have a lab to do, and she knows she can't do it without me. I always let her come to me, and we always have as good of a time as we can have doing a math lab. Now... I feel like I can take advantage of this situation if I play my cards right. I just have to isolate her into a situation to press for a date instead of the lab. The lab is easy enough for me to do myself, and it's possible for me to work her into a date the day we do our lab. If I can get the date, I feel like I can run far with it. But I will admit, it's fairly difficult with her. Her traditional attractive girl fickleness always makes it difficult.
I guess I'll stop her and get some suggestions. This is more of a tragic vent, yet hopeful thread, but I hope it at least gets some attention. It's been pondering me for weeks now and has been grating at me for too long.
09 Oct 2008, 8:00 pm
