What REALLY Bothers

Post Reply New Topic

I've been thinking about what is truly bothersome about the realization that I'll be single for the rest of my life.

Many of us here feel that, to some degree or another. Perhaps you are a virgin and your antisocial ways will keep you that way, presuming your ethics or financial situation preclude consulting an escort. Maybe you're like me, and got burned so bad you're just not going through that again no matter what. Whatever your case may be, the idea that it will never happen for you carries with it a variety of problems. Some of these are obvious, such as the lack of opportunity to have sex, the lack of ability to have children, and the general loneliness. Others, like becoming the creepy old guy, always sitting by yourself in the restaurant, and no one giving a damn about you once you're old, are less obvious. None of this really touches upon the real trouble though does it?

There's a part of being denied this that wounds one to the quick, because it is another part of the human experience that you have been denied. You have a lot of experience with being denied a lot of life. The playground was a minefield of discomfort, boredom, and danger, the family dinner table a well-set trap, and the workplace an Indiana Jones dungeon with all sorts of pitfalls and triggers that set off the poison arrows of people complaining about to your boss. We are social animals as human beings, and yet everything we have ever experienced tells us to isolate ourselves from others for the good of both parties. Doing so denies us so much of the human experience that it may not even be the AS after a point that makes us so different. Perhaps it is because we simply don't know or understand the experience of certain things because they were not available to us. To feel the doom closing in around us when it comes to romance wounds right to the quick because, as we correctly sense, this too shall be denied to us. So it is that we find ourselves cut off from something so fundamental to the human experience that it leads to the creation of life itself. After so many years, is it so much to ask to experience some solace with another human being to lie next to us? A touch, a few moments, where we need not think of our failures and our weaknesses and how heavily they weigh upon us? It is. Make no mistake. An inability to succeed in this arena of human life is to be cheated by one's creator, and resentment is incredibly justified.

-Frank

Being single for the rest of my life is something I can easily imagine but hope is not the case. In particular I'd eventually want a stable love life, children, and people to look after me when I get old and sick (bearing in mind that I don't have any brothers or sisters). I can't imagine being satisfied with the company of an escort, and I'm not sure I could live with myself if I went to one anyway.

I've been burned quite badly on a few occasions, but never felt really inclined to give up on all women. There isn't really any sense in it, seeing as I don't imagine I'd be happy with living single. And evidently AS on its own doesn't necessarily involve being single, anyway, it's just that this particular subforum provides a highly distorted view of romantic prospects (being mostly overrun by frustrated single men).

Yes, that is rather true. And randoms who get obsessed into weird habits (like frequenting forums reasonably unrelated to their life/main issues) like me. I'm not really sure why this forum fascinates me so. I guess I'm just being AS.

I sometimes (truly) wonder whether I will spend the rest of my life single. It's not a complete doomsday prospect; I know myself as a person, and I know I will always find goals and pursuits to occupy my time.

I don't think there's a lack of guys I could be with (at least I don't think so - I don't think there's heaps, but I'm sure there's at least a few), but I'm not sure if there's a guy out there for whom I could compromise my independence for the rest of my life. That is a massive commitment.

One of the things which works against AS men is, as studies have shown, that women are often happier and healthier living alone, whereas men are happier and healthier in a couple. Women, especially AS women, adapt to living alone more easily than men.

And since arranged, or semi-formal, marriages/partnerships for the purposes of childbearing/ensuring descendance have become a thing of the past, relationships are increasingly an NT achievement, of bonding with body language etc, rather than a project which approach in a "civilised", "reasonable" sort of way, in which "getting on together" is to do with polite, respectful cooperation, ( when the woman was not completely oppressed by the situation anyway ), which left a lot of personal space for each etc.

And women are less keen on childbearing/raising a family for its own sake so that incentive is missing for many of the kind of women, AS?, who might otherwise have been ready to set up home with someone without feeling great passion for the other person.

But I think that is about the best bet for some AS men, prove themselves steady, reliable, serious partners for raising a family, and look clearly/explicitly for a partner on this basis.

The reason that I ended up a mother, and living permanently with someone as a result, is because I stumbled on a guy with a job that he liked, with a steady income, and who had no problem with supporting a woman and our child.

Most of the men I had known at all well until then, ( probably AS/somewhere on or near the spectrum ironically enough ), wanted me to earn aswell, because that seemed "fair"/equal and "logical" to them, and they hated their jobs, as I did, whenever I had one. This guy made me feel safe, safe enough to enjoy sex as I never had before, and to do something I had never wanted to do before, have a child.

And if I had not had a child with him I would not have stayed, no way; it was having the child which forced me to deal with the business of living with someone, learn to put up with it, get used to it. Offer "security", if you can, and it could well make the difference. But perhaps not with younger women.

This is just my take on it, my experience. Because previously I had not stayed longer than a year/eighteen months in a relationship, and that only 4 times in 16 years of adult life, and it looked like staying that way for the rest of my life.

PS. I'm not saying that our partnership is ideal; we haven't had sex in over 6 years, but we are not living alone, and most of the time we are affectionately supportive of each other ).
.

Last edited by ouinon on 28 Nov 2008, 2:49 am, edited 2 times in total.

You are choosing to be single. If you continue to try, there are no guarantees - but if you quit and close yourself to it, then you're the one signing off on your own fate. Given my experiences, I might have become a permanent bachelor... but I chose not to and find myself (some years after those tremendously negative experiences) engaged to the most incredible woman I could ever imagine. Things aren't perfect, but we're not perfect people (they don't ******* exist) so we find ways to be happy together. When you choose to accept the common and easy as inevitable, you create more of your own challenges.


M.

Wrong. Most AS women on WP are already in relationship and even married.

ie. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt83343.html




Correct.




Maybe...




You mean to prove themselves to have good income...




You married him because he's a sugar daddy.




So AS or "Somewhere on or near the spectrum ironically enough" guys (yet I am sure they are diagnosed-by-you.) are bastard because they believe better in gender equality and in equal roles (unless if they want you to do all the housework...then this is another matter)..

[Note: My mother always worked as highschool teacher , I was raised by both parents, she never felt 'injustice' by being a worker woman because this what she wanted to be , yet my father would be able to afford the whole family alone. So, if I want a wife, then she must value herself equal to a man ,like my mother always did , I do not want a woman who degrades herself like you.]




....while your NT guy is better than any bastard AS guy (eww) because he just value you as a someone to "take care of" , as sex tool and as babies' producer/raiser ....nothing more.

Are you real?



You are a weird woman , you think it's more fair for a woman to be just a housewife and a sextool for the husband? What's your definition of gender's equality?

Tell me , why the woman shouldn't work? and why it's "fair" according to you (note the " ") for her to work?
And why your NT guy is better than all those "bastard AS" guys who believe in a worker wife?

The posts on that thread do not constitute reliable evidence either way. And studies have shown time and time again that women are better at living alone than men are.


No, to prove that they are stable, steady, and ready to support their wife/co-parent in the extremely scary, ( especially for many AS women ), job of being a mother.


I haven't married him. But one huge factor in why I had sex with him, why I enjoyed so much having sex with him, and why I had a child with him, is that he seemed to offer security, something safe/solid, which would make up for my own instability etc. The reason sex was so good is because for the first time I believed that if it produced a baby, as sex has a possibility of doing, as it is designed to do, it would not be a disaster. I would have some kind of shelter, with someone who didn't expect me to carry on like a man despite having a child to care for.



I said "probably", and "near the spectrum". And nowhere did I say "bastard". I wonder whether that is your own self hatred expressing itself. I did say "ironically".

Their beliefs about "equality" were fine sounding, but didn't take into account the burden of responsibility which is motherhood. One of them had already left a wife and young son. Another was ready to be a part-time father-at-home, but mainly because he didn't like his job either. I never felt that I could rely on either of them. And previous relationships had not even reached the stage of considering parenthood because we were all so "footloose" and "liberated".


His NT'ness has nothing to do with it, except that I have often wished he was AS. [ I have removed the irrelevant reference to NT from the post.]


Sextool? I haven't had sex with him for over 6 years.

My definition of equality; to each according to their needs etc. And women when mothering need support. And as an AS woman, with a history of manic-depression and depression I needed even more than many NT women.
.

Last edited by ouinon on 28 Nov 2008, 2:51 am, edited 2 times in total.

OP, I used to be a bit depressed about the inevitability of staying single for the rest of my life as well. not any more though- I live my life day by day, never letting myself be anxious about such distant future as "dying alone in my house and being found after a month because of the smell" kinda thing.

the less you think about the future and the less plans you make, the better you'll feel.

I get up every morning and make a plan for the day. no more, no less. it works pretty well.

PetitPrince;

And to give them credit for relative clarity on the subject I have to say that the former had decided after one experience that he never wanted to be a father again, and the latter didn't think that he could rely on me, in which assessment he was probably correct, with both of us in the equation.

The thing is neither of them wanted to support a woman with child, in any way really. And yet sex, however many precautions you take, can lead to pregnancy, as I knew to my cost after having sex once with a guy, when I was 19, got me pregnant. I had an abortion. I never ever wanted to do that again, EVER.

But it could happen, whenever you have sex. Are you ready, when you enter into a sexual relationship with a woman, to support her and a baby if she gets pregnant? Are you ready, willing, and able?

This guy I ended up with was. And so I had the best sex of my life, and we somehow scrape by as co-parents, because he strangely enough likes my company that much, even though I don't want to have sex anymore, ( motherhood was very difficult for a few years and I have no intention of repeating that ), because he doesn't want to live alone, because apparently my AS musings on life amuse him, and I stay because I figure that on the whole it is in my best interests to aswell.

So, I believe that if a man wants a woman partner, wants to have penetrative sex with her, at least for a while, especially if wants a child/children, he needs to be prepared, genuinely able, and willing, to support her and a child. If only for a few years until she is freer of the responsibilities to her child(ren).

Later on, I don't know; I haven't started the menopause yet.
.

Last edited by ouinon on 28 Nov 2008, 2:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

Well, I'm well and truly out of the race, then. My job's casual (contingent), so I never know how many hours I'll be getting. I just slave away like a good little ret*d, because no-one will see me as capable of doing anything more than the dregs. Of course, the feminazis don't care about all the men who have been finacially castrated, and deemed obsolete.

I can't say I've made the decision to give up, but I simply don't try. I never have, therefore, it seems foolish to hope for something to change, and so I do not hope. I'm overweight (not obese, but definitely overweight), I love good food and cooking is one of my "Aspie Interests" so I'm not going to diet and I hate working out. Therefore, I don't see myself losing weight. I have definite nerd/guy interests. I love playing strategy/war board games. That is not conducive to meeting single women. I love going fishing which is not conducive to meeting single women. I love playing video games, which is not conducive to meeting single women. I love reading fantasy novels, which is not conducive to meeting women. I love going to movies (by myself since I don't really have any friends) which is not conducive to meeting single women. I love watching good TV shows (Heroes, Chuck, True Blood, The Office, Eleventh Hour, etc) which is, you guessed it, not conducive to meeting single women. I don't like bars, I don't like clubs, I don't like going to crowded areas, I hate small talk, or any meaningless talk where exchanged information is irrelevant, and I hate going places unless I have something specific I need to do there, ie, I won't go to a bookstore unless there's a specific book I need to get. With all that in mind, I do not see myself meeting anyone.

There's nothing wrong with having your own interests... but being unwilling to compromise is a major barrier in finding a working relationship.


M.

Relationships should not be a power struggle, but in my experience they are. Compromise is bad in this sense because you're both trying to "win" the relationship. My main mistake in the past was wanting it so badly that I had no power it all. Once you decide that they may come or go and you're fine either way, they have less power over you.

-Frank

Even though I am currently in a relationship, I still know that one day I will end up single again. Honestly, sometimes I think I'm better off single. In a relationship you're constantly wondering what you should be doing, saying, HOW you should be doing things, does she think you're an idiot? Stuff like that.....its like one big mindf*ck all the time. When I was single? I'd stay in my room, kick up the surround sound and play Gears of War and I could care less about being single or anything else for that matter. It was just me and my interest, and nothing more.

However it IS nice to be in a relationship. There are many perks to being in one (namely, the sex) but as with anything, there are many downsides as well. I guess it just depends on the chemistry between two people.

Things were great for the first year or so with my current girlfriend, but now they...yeah. Things are sort of......well, sort of like a leaky boat. Water starts filling up the boat and suddenly your sinking, so you start splashing the water out doing anything you can to stay afloat...and thats about as much as I can do right now. Just trying to stay afloat in this rollercoaster of a relationship. Basically, she got REAL tired of my routines which involved videogames and alcohol and ALWAYS at the same time. I rarely made time for her and so that led to some bad things down the road.....but I made changed and now my routine involves her and not my videogames God....I'm rambling again.....

What a load of BS. That's like saying to someone who's had both their legs amputated, "At least you don't have to worry about which colour socks to put on in the morning."

Last edited by BPalmer on 28 Nov 2008, 8:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Actually thats probably something I would say...