Ex playing mind games

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I have not been in many relationships at all in my life, but I was in one in the last year that meant a lot at the time. I really cared about this girl a lot, and was very attracted to her physically... I tried so f*****g hard to make things work and felt like I was finally falling in love. It ended terribly, with me the honest AS guy trying to make a relationship work, and she was basically the mind-game playing b***h who got bored with me. I still feel really used by her when I stop to think about it. Unfortunately, I still have to see her on a regular basis. We'll be in a group of people, and she starts making fun of me, and in a subtle way poking at wounds from our relationship that still hurt me. She is an expert at driving me crazy and exploiting my AS shortcomings because she knows what I am like. Yes, she drove me f*****g insane for months and months. Apparently she is moving away in about 6 months, but it doesn't make much of a difference because I'll probably be moving away about a month afterward

It wouldn't bother me so much if I could find a woman. Even though I am young I am only human and get very discouraged sometimes about finding someone. It pisses you off when the one woman who gave you hope for a relationship just turns out to be your tormentor who gets cheap laughs at your expense. I hate making these threads because they reek of self pity, but I got so upset tonight I had to vent somewhere.

Sounds like a winner.

BTW, you realize that your being single doesn't give her carte blanche to treat you like that? Don't take it.

I don't know what to do, other than to just completely stay away from her. With my AS and her being the way she is, she has all the power if I am still in the room with her.

Well arn't you glad you did not end up with her, seeing how she treats you now.

no f*****g s**t... If nothing else I have that going for me.

Or at least at this point it would be a challenge to sort the situation out if it's gone on this far. In theory, the thing to do is have your defenses locked in (while regarding her more like an annoyance than an actual threat) and let her know that she's not getting in and that you think too highly of yourself to give a flying f--- what she has to say. If she's lobbing criticisms at you, think really long and hard, I'd think there's at least a handful of things where you could sit there, looking thoughtful and all of a sudden point your finger in the air and say "You know, that's real funny that you even feel like you have any kind of place to talk about this when....(x,y,z, she's gone in her own little world, self-absorbed, had no idea throughout the whole relationship what was going on - wherever the truth is you need to lay it on her hard)". Seriously though, if she's acting like she's that far above you - dog her, solidly; if you know you could make her blush and simultaneously have her friends looking at her and starting to snicker; as long as its a high card and not a low blow your fine.

Otherwise, if that's not something you want to do or have the situational leverage to pull, just work the social strings in your group. Simultaneously do what I suggested, pretend she's not even there, wall her out in that regard, and see if you can't bit by bit make her look like the piece and deliberately walk the high road. If your friends say something about it to you, that it set her off, just tell them exactly what this is in the most matter-of-fact altruistic and unemotional way you possibly can. Your looking out for your own self-respect and while you have no direct problem with her, you realize that feeling is not reciprocated so; your taking plan B and making sure that she realizes that you have enough power not to just sit there and be a punching bag.

That last part is the ironic bit, we don't even need to be super-glib, we just need to be good at looking ahead and playing chess - many NT's aren't good with words either, they're just more willing to play the game on the same level with anyone who's trying to bring it on.

Space, there is something else I have to ask you about this; I'm thinking about your circle of friends. What have they said or done about it so far? Are any of them sticking up for you? If the situation's as you've explained and they haven't angered on your behalf, I'd wonder about the quality of what's there with them as well.

I say rant away, Space. She looks like a real (you know what I mean).

Do the same to her. If she gets pissed off just say "well you do it to me all the time, I didn't think it was such a problem, and if it is, stop being such a hypocrite".

I think the easiest way to stop her cold is to look at her directly each and every time she starts her digs and ask her, "Do you really get pleasure from trying to hurt me every time you see me? Is your life truly so incomplete that you must try and build your self-esteem by trying to hurt me?" and leave it at that. When confronted with their nastiness in public very few bullies continue their behavior.

Its a good angle but the sincerity is a big problem. When you show sincerity with people like this in situations like this - its submission, its weakness, probably even more so than just taking it. I'm thinking if he does confront her he needs to do so in a way where its obvious that, like Loony Toons, she's going to be machine-slapped with the green paint brush.

Last edited by techstepgenr8tion on 03 Jan 2009, 5:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I like this one, it's a good idea. You shouldn't have to take her rudeness. Take the higher ground and be glad it's over.

They haven't done anything. I have brought this up with friends, and they either sympathize or say "She doesn't have a problem with you" (like they would know...), and put it on me. No, they haven't shown any respect for my feelings, and continue to invite her out constantly when they know I will be there and how I feel. I feel disrespected by everyone here, but I get the reaction that it's my fault for dating her in the first place.

I don't see that working. This person is sick. Sincerity doesn't work well with her. At all.

Then it seriously sounds like you need a new circle of friends. Of course, I'm probably not the best person to give advice on this matter since I have virtually no friends, nor do I have a significant other. I don't get bullied often, though, because I will speak up about it when it happens.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's a really sh*tty world sometimes.

Agreed. I hate most of my so-called "friends". I need new friends and a new life bad. I am going to try and get a job in another city later this year... when I do I probably won't even bother telling anyone. Maybe then they'll realize that I don't give a s**t about them either, despite them being my only friends.

Yeah, the hardest part about giving advice in this situation is; from the way it sounds, there's a lot of crucial information we don't have which is either a bit personal or with your group of friends likely things that you aren't able to see from your standpoint easily. Taking you at your word though if your friends are acting like this either she has them under her thumb, in which case I kinda think their cowards - you don't need friends like that, otherwise there's a myriad of different reasons why they may not care who's right or who's wrong but just want to stay out of it regardless - in any case they're more out for themselves (or watching their own backs) than for seeing this resolved. I can say for my own circle of guy friends, if they saw this kind of thing they wouldn't stand for it; just like I'd play my part and show that its their sentiments, that they don't need to stick up for me but I can't stop them from calling like it is either.

Hanging out in groups like your dealing with I think tends to weaken your ability to meet quality friends just because you end up in all the wrong places at the wrong times or they end up grossing out other groups who prize integrity a lot more - groups you'd rather be in. To me it sounds like your moving out of state in 7 months is actually a golden opportunity not to make the same mistake twice.