Frustration

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I'm so frustrated at the moment. I've never had a girlfriend but I really want to find someone. And every time I find someone who I'd like to get to know better in a romantic context, something is always getting in the way. I only have three criteria for a relationship and they are, I feel, the very basic requirements of a relationship:

1) Sexuality compatability. I'm straight so that means that I'm looking for a woman, and she'd have to be interested in men, so be either straight or bisexual.
2) Single. For obvious reasons.
3) Something in common. There has to be some common ground for a relationship to work. To the people who will inevitably say "try being friends first" that's all I do because I can't tell if someone fulfills this criterion without knowing them a little first.

Those three simple things are all I'm looking for and I can't find anyone who fulfills all three who might be interested in me (most girls I know don't fulfill at least one of my criteria). It's not like I have unrealistic expectations so why is it so hard for me to find anyone?

Most women you know are lesbians in relationships with other women who don't have anything in common with you?

This all strikes me as reasonable. However, looking closely at the third point you may have to look at other hobbies/interests, perhaps casual ones that you could build on more, in order to broaden your social circles and also your possible areas of "common ground". I've done that a bit and met a bunch more women that way, though I can't say it's gotten me any success.

What I mean to say is that there is one or more criteria that they don't fulfill eg. I have something in common with them, they are straight, but they have a boyfriend.

It's rare that I find someone who fulfills all criteria, and the ones who do aren't interested.

I'm about as active as I can be socially whilst still having some time to myself and time to get work done. Part of the problem is that my interests are frankly nerdy subjects and finding girls with whom I have something in common isn't easy. The ones I do find I usually like but they are usually not single.

EDIT: I am becoming increasingly lax on just how much I have in common with people to be interested in them. I don't expect them to have everything in common with me and I'd be willing to dabble in other peoples' interests to create common ground, but even this has left me with...well I would say little success, but no success is more accurate.

Well,

* Look at your interests. The following are male-dominated: computer science and all related areas, mathematics and all related areas, analytical philosophy, physics, gaming, science fiction, engineering, (most) sports. The good news is that the more things you're interested in, the better, even if they are male-dominated. But do you have any more casual interests in other more arty fields?
* Do you go to college in England? If so, do you do a science-related degree? If so, you may need to look into arts circles because male science students outnumber the female ones and get all the women. As a maths student, I'm usually quite surprised when I go to the "other end of college" and find so many single women. I'm more used to thinking that if a girl isn't dating someone now, she will be by next week, but it's not the case when the numbers are more even.

on the subject of sports, it really depends on the sport. lots of sports you would think would be male dominated aren't in reality. rowing, for example, has a lot more women than men in many places. at my university we had more men, but at the other university in my city they had twice as many novice women as novice men, and the women's varsity team outnumbered the men's varsity team. so don't rule out sports right away if you're interested in them

as for the degree, i completely agree with this. i'm in engineering and there are very few girls, let alone single girls, in my faculty. i once counted 8 girls for every guy in one of my physics classes. so making friends in arts, joining groups that are populated by artsies, hanging out in the artsie part of campus are all very good ideas for meeting women since there are generally more women in university than men, they just don't often populate the science and engineering departments (although there are more women than there were, especially in science where i believe it's nearly 50:50 at my university, they're still often male dominated areas)

You have AS. That is the problem. Anyone who has a relationship and says they have AS is a liar. That, or they have the anatomy of a woman. Find something else to give you satisfaction in life, and do it fast so you don't spend half your life chasing things that will not happen. Anyone who disagrees with this is a liar.

I'm kind of surprised by this, I guess it must be cultural. Over here, rowing is among the most macho of sports.

I'm a maths student but there are quite a few girls on my course. However I have trouble speaking to people if I have no idea what to talk about, and I have a great deal of difficulty approaching people. Most people I meet I meet through my hobbies where I knew there is common ground.

As for sports, I'm not a sporty person. I just don't get on well with team games and I haven't got the discipline to exercise for the sake of exercise. What I tend to do is just walk everywhere. I've been here in Reading for over a year and dispite all the times I've gone into town, I have never taken the bus.

I'm not entirely sure what to say to that. Other than "Be positive "

Well, I think that effectively disables any rebuttal.

The "being friends first" is a myth, and a harmful one. Once you start being just friends, you're in the friend zone, which is extremely difficult to get out of. (I'm sure there are numerous threads on this site that talk about the friend zone concept.) The best way to go about it is to start dating right away, and get to know the person as you date them. After all, if a girl doesn't like a guy from the beginning, there is very little he can do to change that later.

I don't 100% agree with this. I've definitely heard about the 'friend zone' but I've never experienced it in my mind. I have fallen for friends numerous times. I actually do not usually like anyone without knowing them well. Every boyfriend I had in highschool was my friend first and I even fell for my best guy friend but he didn't return my interest so we are still friends now.

Perhaps what you say is true most of the time, Aspie1. I wouldn't really know, I have a very minimal idea of how women function. But I don't think it is true all the time for sure. I have heard of other women who fall for friends. I'm not sure whether the above is a stereotype or a truth. You couldn't prove it by me but I have little experience with women. *Shrug*

I think #2 is your problem (#1 and #3 are completely right)-- while your intentions are honorable, at your age (I see you are 20) it is very rare to find a quality girl who isn't already attached. When I was your age, this was also a big source of frustration for me -- everyone who seemed perfect was already taken.

The fact is that for quality women in the 16-23 age range, they tend to have almost seamless transitions from one relationship to another, without any real perceptible "single" phase between them. It's because they have so much demand from so many guys, there's really not much of any searching they need to do, if they want to be in a relationship (and most women do).

The trick is to get on the "list" of a lot of those taken girls -- make lots of female friends, stay in contact, be polite and honorable, and I guarantee you that when their relationship ends, you'll be on the short list for who they end up with next. It's how I got my first GF, and how my affair happened as well.

yeah it definitely used to be a male dominated sport, or rather a male-exclusive sport, but lately, at least in canada, women have really taken to it. my coach this summer talked about how girls are what got him into rowing and girls are what got him out of rowing. there were so many more girls on the team when he was in school that he joined to try to meet some of them (and why not, rowers tend to be very fit), but eventually it took up so much time, and to go to the next level of competition he would have to dedicate so much more time, that he didn't have time for anything else (girls being one of them) so he stopped rowing.

as for the friends first approach, i think it really means you want to get to know them well without the pressure of dating before trying to start a relationship. this isn't bad as long as you don't enter the "friend zone" so you want to get to know them, but you don't want them to file you away as a friend, which for many girls means you are no longer dating material. there are girls who date friends, but there are also a lot who just aren't attracted to friends that way anymore.

*shakes head* I'm sorry, but you're mistaken... and the last sentence is rather offensive. It is unfortunate that you've given up; I hope your decision leads you to some happiness.


M.