Tendency to waffle?

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Here's something that drives me crazy, and I have to ask this of the guys on here who are dating. Do you find that you have a tendency to waffle in terms of being unsure whether or not your physically attracted to someone? This happens to me often enough and the thing I absolutely hate about it is that it'll be a girl that I actually like and respect a lot otherwise, but the chemistry will oscillate enough that I end up worrying a lot of time whether its a relationship that I even want to be in (in those particular cases), at the same time I realize that I'm 29, will have a hard time meeting women who are directly on my page (I have a very esoteric personality I've noticed), and while I have to fight with my level of interest with women a lot I realize that my life could easily pass me by if I keep 'playing it safe' and trying to distance myself when I get that sense of things.

When you have chemistry with a girl, is it a pleasurable feeling or is it mostly an uncomfortable reaction that you would rather not deal with?

Actually, I've had a chance to think about it and I kind of have a better idea of what I think is happening. No, chemistry isn't causing any dysphoria - still a positive. Overall though, I see where relationships and dating dredge up a lot of aspects of yourself (seemingly negative) that you can block out or ignore on principle most days of the week as your just dealing with people on the social or friendship basis but then again the nature of dating and its aims seem to push these things into relevance and your stuck confronting them whether you like it or not.

In short I realize that I'm petty about a lot of things, whether its from my parents, the kinds of friends I have, a whole multitude of things I've learned through life of gotten a distaste for - I'm more or less running into roadblocks with myself. It ranges through everything from looks to fine details and habits to things that yes - can be telling and relevant in terms of personal trajectory. Something that heightens this in me even more - I can't not think long term, I'm one of those people where if its not aimed at a long term relationship with intent to marry, I can't see the point or how it'll be anything more than just leading someone on - anything below temp to permanent I call a friendship and have a hard time ethically with the concept of including physical intimacy in that.

My usual backing out reason is this - if I like someone enough as a person but can't find myself consistently attracted to them, I'd feel even worse with leading them on or being continuously indecisive. When I'm in this situation I just try to tell whoever it is I'm dating that I'm kind of reserved on this and take a while to get through this - I'll say that because when I'm still negotiating all of this internally, I can't bring myself to be physically intimate even in smaller ways as it just vibes the wrong way with my core. It does occur to me that its almost been a constant in my life that I can run into someone who I'm attracted to, someone I have all the things in common with, but for my 29 years of being it seems like having both at the same time has been precluded from my life. That then gets me wondering - do I just need to smack myself and say 'grow up' or is this the kind of compromise where if I go in this direction I'll find out that its still incorrigible and that I'll just end up hurting someone else's feeling more later on? My big fear is that, for who I am, I'm too maladjusted to be with anyone based on a lot of this - not that I can't be a great adult or even romantic partner, I just don't technically have it figured out yet how to adapt or where to even call it based on what I'm realistically entitled to in this life.

I know that I was going round and round with TOS in another threat regarding getting oneself to date, but like he mentioned having difficulties changing something this close to his core - I realize that I'm in a similar situation with the content of this post. When you have something that your subconscious grips - regardless of what your conscious mind seems to want - your stuck in a position where it seems like other people's advice can help at least give you pointers but it will take another 5 to 10 years to effectively 'learn enough from living' so that your nervous system can work it out. I'm already kissing 30 though, I really hope that I can either find something that works (ie. have my luck take an unforeseen turn) or find a way to adapt to a higher level rather than be middle-aged and still single just because of my own internal isht. Regardless though, I'm getting tired of feeling like an a***ole and feeling like I'm bringing this all on myself.

Mmmmmm.... waffle.

I have a tendency to waffle too. It's very rare that a girl is romantically interested in me. So when it happens, I only focus whether she's attracted to me. So even if I don't find her attractive, I date her anyway. But this raises a moral dilemma. On one hand, this could be my only chance in years, and I'd be an idiot if I passed it up. On the other hand, it wouldn't be fair to the girl to be in relationship with someone who didn't find her attractive. Although I find myself waffling, debating whether or not I should date her, in most cases, my desperation prevails. I rationalize it like this: when I'm with her, I treat her very well, probably better than the guys before me, so ultimately, she the one who gets a better deal.

My first relationship was like this: I liked being with my girlfriend, but just wasn't physically attracted to her. I just told myself to get over it, because with my looks, I had no right to be picky. The relationship didn't last long, but that wasn't due to my lack of attraction; she did some things that didn't sit well with me.

-Gives Mira a waffle- (#) :>

eggo waffles

Aspie1 wrote:

I don't think you are doing any girl any favor by dating her if you don't have any intention on following through. If all she wants is sex then it's okay, but often times girls want a long term relationship that will lead to marriage and kids. Even when they say they aren't ready for it, it's a female instinct to want to be a mother and wife. Sorry, but it's true. The whole Sex and the City mentality is just a cover up for low self esteem. As women age, their chances of being an old maid multiplies as the years go by. Pretty soon they wind up dressing up their dogs and accidentally leaving their jewelery at your house as an unconscious ploy to creep into your life with fantasies of happily ever after. Cut her loose before she is too old or attached to you to find her real ideal mate.

Tech, you are still young. I think you are going about things the right way. It only takes a day to meet that right person. Put yourself out there but don't sell yourself short. Once you settle, your life will take a turn for the worse. Be patient and I bet you'll get what you really want.

I have to hope. The realm of the subjective, fate, etc. is all a rather eerie plane and its tough to tell wisdom from self-delusion sometimes. I guess I really need to have a bit more faith in God rather than pinning the whole of my existence on myself and how perfectly I'd have to calculate to have the best life possible.

mmmmm waffles aaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggh

You might have misunderstood my rationalization. When I enter a relationship with a girl, regardless of whether or not I'm not attracted to her, I'm well aware of my responsibilities as a boyfriend. So even in the early stages of a relationship, I still intend to advance to more serious stages, if the girl shows interest in doing so. However, my requirement is that she remains faithful to me and dedicated to the relationship. (In simpler terms, she must return my calls and not look for someone more attractive to replace me.) If she can't follow through with that, I can't follow through with getting serious. With that said, it's not, and is never intended to be, about using the girl. As long as she continues having feelings for me, I will stay in the relationship with her. All I require is that she shows that she likes me and doesn't cheat. Yes, that includes getting intimate, but if a girl does that for me, it will make me super-sure that she indeed likes me, so that I'll know it's safe to proceed with committed relationship that she's been wanting.