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aerofan_1
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02 May 2010, 10:12 am

Hey everyone.

So, I've been seeing a girl who lives in a town 25 minutes away from me (only a short trip down the motorway) and I have driven to see her, she has driven to see me.

When I originally first started to talk with her we would talk every day. However, we are both at university (I am postgraduate masters and she is finishing 2nd year) and it is getting to the end of the semester.
It has been really frustrating for me to get time to see her since she has a load of assignments due and lectures shifted due to the volcanic ash over the UK in the last 2 weeks. The last time I saw her was last Sunday (7 days ago)

I've asked her twice now to go for dinner and both times she has been in the library (she was whispering so I know she was in there) and said that she has to work for her deadlines and so can't come.

Would she say she is busy just to put me off from calling her, or do you think she is genuinly busy?
I was suggesting only to get dinner one night - and I've got a lot of work to do too so I know how hard it is to shift a schedule around - and got the conclusion that she can't make it.

Pffft, is this something that we just have to push through and will get better as soon as the workload is reduced?

Thanks
af_1



Lene
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02 May 2010, 10:49 am

I think take her at her word (it sounds like she is under a lot of stress); if she says she's busy, don't ask her out until she says she's not busy anymore. Be friendly to her and send the odd email by all means, but don't pressurise her to contact you.

She may agree to go to dinner with you when her workload decreases, or she might not want to. It's up to you if you want to take the risk, or you can move on and date other people. Don't ditch her as a friend if you decide the latter, and don't be upset if she decides in the end that she'd rather not go for dinner.



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02 May 2010, 11:03 am

Busy is a go-to excuse. It's hard to know when it's genuine or not. One potential tactic is to 'put the ball in their court,' for instance, by have them suggest a more appropriate time. Either it will force them to be honest, or it will allow you to better understand their schedule. It's best to do this in person or on the phone, as email and text messages allows people to be too slippery. It's also best to avoid giving a way out of the situation by saying things like "you don't need to answer right now," etc. Not that you should be demanding or aggressive... Not at all. Just don't be a nervous wimp about it, either.

Be prepared for the potential that she's just not as interested as before, though. Most of the time when I got the 'busy' excuse, it meant they wanted to avoid me.



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02 May 2010, 11:19 am

my gawd, give the lady some slack. She is stressed, the Ash Cloud devastated her plans, she needs to do well even with the pressure she is under because this is her future security (her education) she is working on. For a man, going to dinner is not the production a lady has to go through to get ready. It takes planning and co-ordination beyond a 25 minute trip there and back that she could be concentrating on her tasks that she has such a tight schedule.

support her during this time by not distracting her. She isn't ducking you. But if you press and pressure, she will have cause to doubt if you have her needs in mind.

Quote:
Pffft, is this something that we just have to push through and will get better as soon as the workload is reduced?


exactly! when they say that a relationship is built on 'give and take' this is the time you give. Be supportive, think of ways you can help her, call a delivery for take out of her favorite dinner to be delivered to her so she can have a good meal. Leave her a message or two on her voice mail with encouragement and good wishes, but make no obligation that she has to call you back, it's just a smile on the phone. Later, in your relationship, she will always remember what a good sport you were to just chill when she had to power it out.

Merle


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CockneyRebel
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02 May 2010, 2:52 pm

You should take her word, that she's busy.


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ursaminor
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02 May 2010, 3:10 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
the Ash Cloud
Capital letters?
Seems like the ash cloud has risen to supervillain status.



lotuspuppy
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02 May 2010, 3:33 pm

I know how you feel. When I tell someone I am busy, I give someone a brief excuse why I am busy.

Most people are not that busy if they really want to do something. When someone says they are busy, I just ask something like, "oh, what's happening?" That reveals more of their true feelings, which are more valuable to me than pre-packaged excuses. I really hate excuses, especially when they are not true.



sinsboldly
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02 May 2010, 3:48 pm

ursaminor wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
the Ash Cloud
Capital letters?
Seems like the ash cloud has risen to supervillain status.


As well as the Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico. . .however calling it a 'leak' or a 'spill' is like something that can happen to a quart of milk. How about "Unprecedented Disaster" ??


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02 May 2010, 4:25 pm

She's probably busy. But also...and this is the tricky part...she's not in to you in a way that makes time with you her number one priority. It could mean she's not as interested, or it could mean she's very focused, but it definitely means you are in limbo. See what time and a little less stress brings. Good luck!


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03 May 2010, 1:22 am

sinsboldly wrote:
As well as the Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico. . .however calling it a 'leak' or a 'spill' is like something that can happen to a quart of milk. How about "Unprecedented Disaster" ??


The ash cloud from Iceland is not an unprecendented disaster. Look up Mount Tambora, which erupted in 1815. It threw up 100 billion cubic metres of ash, compared with 110 million cubic metres of ash from the 2010 Eyjafjallajökull eruption in Iceland. The following year (1816) was known as "The Year Without Summer", and that year Europe suffered the worst famine of the 19th Century, so yes, there is a precedent.



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03 May 2010, 3:14 am

ursaminor wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
the Ash Cloud
Capital letters?
Seems like the ash cloud has risen to supervillain status.

Ash Cloud would certainly be a dashing anti-hero name. :P
Yep, dashing and cheesy.


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sinsboldly
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03 May 2010, 8:11 am

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
As well as the Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico. . .however calling it a 'leak' or a 'spill' is like something that can happen to a quart of milk. How about "Unprecedented Disaster" ??


The ash cloud from Iceland is not an unprecendented disaster. Look up Mount Tambora, which erupted in 1815. It threw up 100 billion cubic metres of ash, compared with 110 million cubic metres of ash from the 2010 Eyjafjallajökull eruption in Iceland. The following year (1816) was known as "The Year Without Summer", and that year Europe suffered the worst famine of the 19th Century, so yes, there is a precedent.


If you read my quote carefully, you will see I am referring to the Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico, as the "Unprecedented Disaster" not the 2010 Eyjafjallajökull eruption in Iceland .


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03 May 2010, 9:29 am

You should take "I'm busy" at face value. The real reason for why she's saying that is irrelevant because it doesn't effect what do on your end. If she's really busy; fine, move on and find something else to do. If she's just saying that to blow you off; fine, move on and find something else to do.

The ball is in her court and it's up to her to tell you when she's free again. If that never happens, good riddance and hope you've found someone else by then.



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03 May 2010, 4:29 pm

To put it crudely...

If a woman says she is busy, it is her way of saying "my **** doesn't tingle for you so I'm looking at other options."



aerofan_1
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03 May 2010, 4:57 pm

Well, after a slight detour of this thread I thought I'd give you guys an update.

I called this girl today and had a 25 minute chat. It turns out that she is just really busy at the moment with deadlines etc coming up on Wednesday and thursday.
We have arranged to see each other over the weekend. I feel happy now that she isn't just blowing me off, and glad that she takes her work as seriously as I do :)