New here - Need advice on martial problems

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misfit24_7
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24 Dec 2005, 4:38 pm

Hi everyone,

I have been married 10 years this past June. We have had problems for about 7 years now. I have been diagnosed with depression, but also have the symptoms of aspergers. My husband refused to learn about my condition and refused to be supportive. He has never really been a part of this relationship (his choice). I have felt alone for so many years. I have been the one who mainly is raising our 3 children and taking care of the home. I was working full-time when we first were married until my depression paralyzed me emotionally in 1998. He was resentful of me quitting my full-time job and our martial problems worsen. Eventually my love for him left me. I filed for a divorce and starting dating. I was craving to feel like a woman again, to feel alive inside again, to feel accepted by a man again. My husband finally realized he was losing me, became knowledgable about my condition, realized how much he has hurt me emotionally all these years, still loves me, and now wants to make our marriage work. He is now the man I have always wanted, the man I knew he could be. I want to fall in love with him and work on our relationship, but there is no feeling left for him and I think I want to move on with my life. We are both going to therapy with this and the therapist is trying to help me sort out my feelings. I think that someone with my condition would be able to give me a better insight with what is going on with me. I feel so confused inside. I can't seem to sort out my feelings. Is my conditions clouding up my judgement?

Help please. Thanks in advance.


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Ghosthunter
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24 Dec 2005, 8:41 pm

Hi! Misfit 24_7

I am ghosthunter and will try to help? I cannot
promise anything though!

misfit wrote:
I have been married 10 years this past June. We have had problems for about 7 years now.


That is a long time married under either bad or good.
I am impressed that you stuck this through.

misfit wrote:
I have been diagnosed with depression, but also have the symptoms of aspergers. My husband refused to learn about my condition and refused to be supportive.


Some Technical questions if you don't mind!

1)...age 30 sounds about right(your age?) and what were the leading
factors that made you go for the Aspergers angle?

2)...Where lies the Aspergers strengths and where lies the
depressive characteristics?

Regarding explaining Aspergers and Higher-Form of Autism to
others, even my grandmother doesn't get it. I love her but it
is difficult to explain thus most people hide their heads in the
sand. Hmmmm? This is probly what your husband was doing?
Correct me if I am wrong.

misfit wrote:
He has never really been a part of this relationship (his choice).


Hmmmm? What aspect of his character thinks this way?
Denial of his feelings? or Aspie himself? describe the
children and that should help you with some of the clues.

misfit wrote:
I have felt alone for so many years. I have been the one who mainly is raising our 3 children and taking care of the home.


Perhaps he is Aspie as well and doesn't know how to
extend outwardly like a father. Describe your motherly
extension to your children, and how many aspie traits do
they exhibit?

misfit wrote:
I was working full-time when we first were married until my depression paralyzed me emotionally in 1998.


Hmmm? So you were married in 1995 and got a depression
diagnoses in 1998, How did you come to the conclusion it
was aspergers? Do you see it in your husband? Your children?
and how do you see it in yourself?

What kind of work did you do? and How was it affecting you
emotionally beyond a Aspergers suspicion. What is asperger traits
in you that is not the depression in you?

Was the marrage the cause for this depression due to lack
of social and connectedness with your husband? or...??????

I guess your 30-35 and got married after college(age 23) thus
this give me a theoretical timeline to approach my response to
your posting.

misfit wrote:
I was craving to feel like a woman again, to feel alive inside again, to feel accepted by a man again. My husband finally realized he was losing me, became knowledgable about my condition, realized how much he has hurt me emotionally all these years, still loves me, and now wants to make our marriage work.


Now here is where I go PG17. I had a similar relationship for 10 years.
once married-then divorced woman of 2 kids and professional person,
finds me and we spend 10 sexual years. That helped her re-explore
sexuality and re-connect as a woman, not former housewife.

Now....gettting back to you!

Have you brought to his attention his aspie traits and is this really
working? Before I go further here in this part of my post, I will let you
respond to these questions first.

misfit wrote:
He is now the man I have always wanted, the man I knew he could be. I want to fall in love with him and work on our relationship, but there is no feeling left for him and I think I want to move on with my life.


Hence forth, as humans...we evolve. This is why my former female
companion divorced her husband. Done the marriage thing, did the kids
thing, what about me? and my thing? And this is why she left me.
She was going into another evolutionary stage of her life.

misfit wrote:
We are both going to therapy with this and the therapist is trying to help me sort out my feelings. I think that someone with my condition would be able to give me a better insight with what is going on with me. I feel so confused inside. I can't seem to sort out my feelings. Is my conditions clouding up my judgement?


Good call on your part. Instead of looking at the present! look at the
future. What is it that youuuuuuu! want to do. You have done the kids
thing, the marriage thing, and thought about the divorce thing.

Hmmmm? Do you think that leaving him will affect the kids?
ages probly 8 and 9.

Hmmmm? Can you live with the current evolution happening within
you whilst you are still married?

How aspie are you? and how much of your depression consist
of aspie'ness and marriage blues, and pre-marriage emotional
states?

I will probe further, if you chose, but first mull these ideas over.

Sincerely,
The Silvermaned lion-
Ghosthunter



Paula
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24 Dec 2005, 10:08 pm

I think you have to find a way to forgive your husband. I've come close to walking out of my marriage many times, and there was a time when I didn't feel any love for my husband. As a rule I don't believe in divorce, yet I wasn't about to stay in a bad relationship. It took along time as marriage is so much hard work, but I wouldn't trade my husband for anyone, and I'm glad we worked it out. Lots of prayer,lots of forgiveness,lots of determination, is whats needed for all marriages. Obviously you have feelings for your husband as you are in therapy with him trying to salvage your marriage, maybe your feelings are just buried to deep for you to see at this time. I hope you continue on with your therapist, and please stay out of extramarital affairs, I mean really, do you really want a man who would date a woman who is already married???? Not a trustworthy person to start a relationship with. Good luck to you both



redvelvet
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29 Dec 2005, 8:09 am

I am married to an Aspergic man, and am NT myself, when we got married we didn't know he had Aspergic traits, and I didn't understand him very well, I did a lot of crying and shouting because I didn't think he loved me, no outward emotions, no cuddling or snuggling. yet when we were courting he did. But he did try so hard to be a good husband, and this is what won me over, he tries so hard. We have been married now 25 years, and only recently found out that he as well as our daughter are Aspergic, and our son shows Aspergic traits.
Your husband probably does see how much you try, and this is very important, you have worked hard to raise your children and be a good wife and homekeeper, love may come for you again in your eyes when you look at your husband, give it time, if he is willing to try to understand you, then see if you can also try to understand him. :D



en_una_isla
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29 Dec 2005, 10:20 am

My guess is that you have too much bitterness toward him still to forgive him completely, and that you no longer trust him because of how he treated you. I think you should try to keep your marriage together if he really has changed. If he is being kind to you know, you will eventually fall back in love with him. But he damaged your feelings for him and they have to heal. Does he still harrass you for not working or is he supportive now? Really I do think you should hang in there, because you have kids, and also because the marriage is 10 years old. I would give it some more time, but only if he really has changed and isnt just occasionally faking it. At least one more year, as long as he's not mistreating you.

Sorry, I can't write much more now.


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