Heartbroken

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Hi there.

I was diagnosed later in life (mid-forties), and I often forget about my atypical nature until some aspect of it causes me pain. Most recently, I thought that I had met the love of my life. We were in a relationship for almost two years (official, met parents and family, talked about marriage - he brought that up more than I did), and he dumped me a month ago. I haven't heard from him since. He said that he didn't have the time or energy for a relationship. He is a healthcare worker, a clinical therapist, and works full time in a hospital and is starting his own practice, so he sees clients at night and on the weekends. He also has youngish children that he has every weekend. When he broke up with me, he said that he really wants to be in a relationship with me but he doesn't have the time or energy and doesn't see any of that changing in the future, because all of his time is spent working and parenting. He said that we have a strong connection and all of that. We really clicked emotionally, which is not easy for me to do, and it was easy to express myself with him and be understood. I'm not sure if what he said is bs or what. I'm very confused. Anyway, he has been under tremendous stress since the start of the pandemic, with various financial problems that have just been added on to his load, so on one hand, I get it. On the other, I am devastated that we couldn't work it out or approach things as a team, or that he couldn't find a way to put some boundaries around our relationship. He would frequently have to cancel on me, and it made him feel bad that it was disappointing to me (and maybe him) although I reassured him that I understood. He says he doesn't want to hurt me any more and doesn't see anything changing for him any time soon. I feel like there is more to it, that I did or said something wrong, but I am not sure what. He backpedaled on saying that he wanted to marry me. He said he recently came to the conclusion that he didn't want to get married again. His previous spouse was cruel (not his words, exactly, but I could see evidence of it from old FB posts). We are both in our early 50s. Tonight, I checked his Facebook page, for the first time in weeks, and he had removed our relationship status. That brought me to tears. Neither of us have reached out since the break up. I ultimately agreed with him and said that our relationship wasn't working as it was; however, I would be open to working on it if he was. I don't think he has the time or energy for that. Maybe he met someone new. Maybe he just got cold feet. Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe it is just what he said. I have a hard time understanding these things when they happen to me. When they happen to my friends, I can see the whole picture, though.

Anyway, I was thinking about my LTRs throughout my life. I have had twelve of them over twenty-nine years of my life. I dumped five of them; the rest dumped me. I've spent 23 years single. I mean, I guess on one hand I am kind of appreciative of the experiences, but really, I just want my person. I'd like the security of that, but maybe it is just an illusion. Although, my parents were married to each other for almost fifty years and happy. So were most of my aunts and uncles. I really thought this last guy was the one. I trusted him so much and felt like he really saw me. I never told him about my diagnosis exactly, but edged around it. I am trying to get into to see my therapist to talk about this, but I am still waiting to hear back about an appointment.

So, reflecting back on the past, I realized that all of the guys I have dated before have eventually circled back around. I never forgave any of them, because being dumped is physically repulsive to me. I can't bring myself to forgive it, as much as I want to sometimes. I think that I have a problem with forgiveness. I don't know if this guy will come back or not, but this seems like this is something that I probably need to move past to have the deep relationship that I want ultimately.

Can anyone relate? I am so tired of having one failed relationship after another. How do I get past things that just turn me off so much that other people seem to be able to get past relatively easily? Some people have said it is a maturity thing, but I feel like that isn't exactly fair in this case.

I get the impression from you that he could be a good guy who is trying to do right by his kids & his patients & he can only handle so much on his plate. He may be nearing a burnout or shutdown & he feels like he would be failing you because he can not make you a top priority in his life. He might not have the time or energy to handle a relationship anytime soon. Of corse other things are a possibility but try to analyze this logically. I think if you really said or did something that majorly hurt & upset him he would be trying to talk to you about it or would be acting mad at you instead of suddenly just deciding to break up with you while trying to be super nice & considerate about it. I didn't notice anything in your post that makes his story smell fishy.

In regards to your other relationships & your potential for future relationships, being on the spectrum can make us very odd stock that only a select group of people may appreciate & us them but we could love the hell out of each other. It's like we're an obscure underground music genera like Nerdcore Lots of people are like huh or that sux but it's fans can majorly love it. You have to find the rite person who will appreciate & love you & you appreciate & love them. It sounds like you may of had that with your recent ex but life circumstances got in his way. You could find someone else but you may have to develop a new approach to trying to meet them or attract them which may be difficult to figure out. I really wish you the best.

You sound like my mom. yeah...most of of us are blunt, selfish immature to even have many serious relationships.... but for somebody on the 'spectrum' you seem almost normal.

Do not dwell on the past. Look to the future.