Do you ever "grow out of" needing companionship?

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gsilver
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08 Jul 2009, 10:24 am

I hate being alone all the time. Hate it.

But, I don't really have much choice. People generally don't want to be around me, and my health is terrible, making it difficult to get around.

Even when I was at 100% (for me, anyway) in terms of health and outlook, I wasn't attracting anyone, and with my health and mind completely ruined, attracting anyone is looking downright impossible.

I'm also nearing 30, unemployed, and unless my health drastically improves, I may never work again... so, yeah, I don't count on ever meeting anyone.


Sure, it's impossible, but the question is, does it ever stop hurting? I'd feel a lot better if I could just accept that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.



ZEGH8578
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08 Jul 2009, 10:34 am

i think its subconcious, and the "hope" thing that ruins it for people

when in an accident, if there is hope, conciously or subconciously, people scream, panic, and try to climb over each others heads to find a way out

if there is NO hope, like an airplane nosediving towards a mountain, then people are often quiet.

your aspie
youll never be cured
youll _always_ struggle a LOT w "finding someone"
youll _most likely_ never succeed.
surrender.

then, if you DO get lucky, then thats awesome, and if you dont, then thats life, and you can move on.


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Shizuka
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08 Jul 2009, 12:38 pm

You mean nobody wants to be around you? or the people that want to stay around you is not the people that you want that stay around you?



billsmithglendale
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08 Jul 2009, 12:43 pm

From what I've read about loneliness, depression, ostracism, etc., it's not so much that you outgrow it as much as you become numb and reset your expectations. I believe the clinical term for this is dysphoria.

However, just because you are numb does not mean you don't still have the need or that you aren't still being damaged by that need not being met.

I myself deal with loneliness, but I realize a lot of it is self-imposed. I'm in the situation where the one person who loves me absolutely and unconditionally (and who I am very happy with) is threatened if I try to do things with other people without her. So I have to choose between having a lot of friends, which historically has left me very unhappy as they become flaky or betray me or don't meet my needs, vs. basically having my wife as my main friend, and maybe one or two others. I also realize that my preferences for staying home, doing solitary things, and doing things on my terms very much limit any desire for other people to come spend time with me.

So you need to evaluate what you want out of life, how far you are willing to go outside of your comfort zone, and if it is worth it. I would think that for a girlfriend or wife, it would be worth it, and maybe also for a few good friends.

I do think there is hope though, lots of it. In the end, I'm much happier getting laid and having a wife who I am really attracted to and love, than having a bunch of friends. That's me. If you want to succeed, have a good job, have lots of friends, etc., it is really up to you. Figure out what it takes, figure out if it's worth the cost to you in terms of time, money, comfort, effort, and then plan accordingly.



Willard
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08 Jul 2009, 2:00 pm

I think getting married is the best cure for what you're experiencing. After eight months to a year you'll wake up screaming from all the "companionship" and once you manage to escape from it (not as easy as it sounds), you'll never suffer from the lack of "companionship" again. 8O

I know that sounds horribly cynical when you're aching for it, but try it and see if I'm not right. You're jonesing for it now, but just wait until that monkey climbs on your back and won't let go. :twisted:



billsmithglendale
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08 Jul 2009, 2:36 pm

Willard wrote:
I think getting married is the best cure for what you're experiencing. After eight months to a year you'll wake up screaming from all the "companionship" and once you manage to escape from it (not as easy as it sounds), you'll never suffer from the lack of "companionship" again. 8O

I know that sounds horribly cynical when you're aching for it, but try it and see if I'm not right. You're jonesing for it now, but just wait until that monkey climbs on your back and won't let go. :twisted:


And that's a good reason to make sure you marry the right person, and not just the first person who likes you :)

Marriage is tough, and I think close quarters and loss of privacy is especially hard on Aspies. But with the right person, it works out. 11 years so far for me, not without speed bumps, but I'm a lot happier now than I was before.



gbollard
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08 Jul 2009, 5:43 pm

It's funny but when you're married you treasure alone time.
When you're not married or in a relationship, you wish you had companionship.

You can't win.

Just pick one or the other situation and try to get some breaks.

The grass always appears greener on the other side but it isn't necessarily.



gsilver
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10 Jul 2009, 4:12 pm

If I could treasure my time alone, I could treasure something, at least. All I have right now is spending each day wishing that it were over.


Yay to looking forward to being an insomniac invalid with terrible headaches and no friends living at his parents house at the age of 30!

Well, at least they're taking me in so that I don't have to be homeless.



MONKEY
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10 Jul 2009, 4:36 pm

I'll never "grow out" of needing companionship, as much as I value alone time, at the moment I'm too alone. I just need someone!! !! !


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Lonermutant
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10 Jul 2009, 4:41 pm

Never ever needed companionship.



404lol
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10 Jul 2009, 8:03 pm

gsilver wrote:
If I could treasure my time alone, I could treasure something, at least. All I have right now is spending each day wishing that it were over.


Yay to looking forward to being an insomniac invalid with terrible headaches and no friends living at his parents house at the age of 30!

Well, at least they're taking me in so that I don't have to be homeless.

You've got to stand your ground even in a never ending hurricane.

I don't know about you but even though everything around me is failing me. I still think to myself everyday: I will live with my sorrow, I will live my own life! I will defeat sorrow, in his place. I will stand my ground and be strong. I don't know when it will be but someday, I will conquer it. And I will do it without...false hope.



MissConstrue
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10 Jul 2009, 8:30 pm

I can relate...but I guess I'm getting use to it now. Although there's times where it drives me crazy.

I find ways to compensate like having my hobbies and pets around and been taking up to drinking lately. Helps me not have those feelings when it gets real bad.


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Homer_Bob
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10 Jul 2009, 9:07 pm

Yeah, I've already accepted the possibility of being alone. I even try to put a positive spin on it by saying I'm a free man and I can do what I please and I have no ball and chain attached to me. Being single has it's benefits. Plus with a girlfriend, my life would change drastically and I'm not good at handle drastic changes. I also at times make fun of myself but saying there's no chance in hell that any girls will ever like me and that's I'm the Napoleon Dynamite of men. Secretly, would I like a girl who is completely wonderful and would change my life in a good way? Sure, but I know the odds are stacked against me so I'm not holding my breath.



ddunkin
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13 Jul 2009, 12:08 pm

Willard wrote:
I think getting married is the best cure for what you're experiencing. After eight months to a year you'll wake up screaming from all the "companionship" and once you manage to escape from it (not as easy as it sounds), you'll never suffer from the lack of "companionship" again.


Man is that right, I don't sleep anymore as I don't have enough alone time to do all the things I used need to do at the end of the day (studying, entertainment, etc). I can't shut my mind off thinking of all the things I wanted to do. I did just fine alone and kept myself busy.

I still feel alone most of the time with an NT wife, as no matter how I try to spin how I think, she just doesn't get it (leading to misunderstandings all the time). I also feel like I have a weak emotional connection and still crave something I may have the same as NT people, no matter how right everything feels for both of us.



ddunkin
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13 Jul 2009, 12:26 pm

gsilver wrote:
I hate being alone all the time. Hate it.

But, I don't really have much choice. People generally don't want to be around me, and my health is terrible, making it difficult to get around.

Even when I was at 100% (for me, anyway) in terms of health and outlook, I wasn't attracting anyone, and with my health and mind completely ruined, attracting anyone is looking downright impossible.

I'm also nearing 30, unemployed, and unless my health drastically improves, I may never work again... so, yeah, I don't count on ever meeting anyone.

Sure, it's impossible, but the question is, does it ever stop hurting? I'd feel a lot better if I could just accept that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.


I'm not too emotional, so I believe I could be alone for the rest of my life. However, I'm 29, married (first real relationship at 23), and constantly learning new social things to fake.

Is it is that people don't want to be around you, or you are sticking with the wrong people? I spent too much of my life with the 'wrong people', being people that were socially off as me (however, not as bad as none of them had AS), that was a mistake. People who are dramatically different will challenge you, but are draining in large amounts.

I don't believe it is an impossible task to find someone, but you really need to get yourself out there, with large amounts of people. This is to get yourself exposed to people who may potentially approach you or that you may feel comfortable approaching. This doesn't happen over the Internet (well, maybe 60%), real attraction happens in person. I felt extremely lonely for a long time, and only stuck around a small group of people, of course I wasn't going to find someone attracted to me. I had to diversify, not much different to me than finding a career, try a ton of things and see what fits best. Socialization is hard, but you don't always have to be too social, just to give someone the chance to approach you by being out there in the first place. Not doing the approaching leaves it up to luck, and it ended up working for me. Hell, I even physically turned away from my (then to be) wife when I first met her, as I was too nervous/shut down to continue conversation. Somehow, things still worked out thanks to a little Internet magic.

I've seen some fugly people out there getting laid, some people are attracted to the strangest things, you just have to expose yourself (not, not that way! :lol: ) to give them a chance to find you. Being modestly healthy (many people like overweight people, many people like short people, who knows) and slightly social help. If you at least appear approachable, try to smile, not cross your arms, make eye contact occasionally (yeah, this one is rough, but darting glances might show a shy interest as well), something may happen.

When I wasn't commuting 3 hours a day, I had fit exercise into my daily schedule. Without a job, it might be a good thing to pass the time. The more energy your body has, the more energy you'll have to put into social situations (knowing that it takes us a lot of work and energy to make these things happen).

In general, sticking to the same routing, not being 'out there', and appearing approachable, were all things that were leading me to a life of loneliness. We still live in an NT world that won't conform to us, so in some cases, we need to conform to it, at least for short periods of time. It's throwing darts at a board, blindfolded.



Nan
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13 Jul 2009, 1:33 pm

good question. i guess to answer it i have to ask a question. why do you need companionship? what purpose has it got for your?

aside from boredom, when i was younger, it served no purpose for me so i was fine with not having to deal with people other than out of necessity. i've been living with my kid for the last 22 years, so i can't say if it's changed or not. i do not have any close friends, other than her, at present and do not miss them. i'm not sure if things would change if she were to move out or if they'd stay the same. it's nice to have someone around to share things with, but not essential.