Giving up on relationships...

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I have decided to put relationship-forming into the too-hard basket where it belongs for me, and instead try to access the use of "escorts" (i.e. prostitutes) in lieu of anything serious at all. I find it too hard to form friendships even enough for friends-with-benefits, so therefore I have decided to give up and just use the escorts.

Of course, I'm going to be careful, and besides, prostitution is legal in Australia (particularly in my home state of Victoria) so there is no legal repercussions there. After having cheated once (which was how I lost my virginity), I can't risk going into relationships ever again.

Ever.

Why did you post this here?....you want someone to tell you different, that there is a chance you might find the "one" or someone who "get's you" or just someone to hug without feeling odd?....well i honestly don't know if you can or will but there's always hope and i'm in the same boat.....i haven't given up cause once you do i think you really won't find anyone

Lordmutt, I posted this here as a declaration of intent. I have been looking for relationships, tried, and failed. I am not going to try again, the emotional turmoil is too strong. At least, not at this stage in my life, if not "never again". It is a very complicated game of which I know none of the rules. I lost my virginity because she picked me up, not the other way around.

I might rethink my position in a few months, maybe a few years' time. But, I honestly don't know.

You wrote that you've cheated once before? Does that mean you cheated on your partner (which would explain why the relationship failed) or that you 'cheated' by having sex with a prostitute? Just wondering.

Well out of 6 billion people there's one for you mate....gotta be

I've sworn off relationships any number of times... stayed celebate for years at a time. And now I'm in a stable long term relationship (8 yr) which is a wonder to me.

Temple Grandin talks about how she's made the decision not to pursue intimate relationships because of the very same thing that troubles you... too much emotional complexity and confusion. It's a legitimate choice for anyone. She has channeled all the energy that a relationship might take into other more personally rewarding directions.

If certain biological urges need to be satisfied with a pro, and you can keep yourself healthy doing it, it certainly seems much preferable.

Just never cheat or abuse your pro. I'd drop-kick you to the moon for that. If you treat her with the same respect and thoughtfulness you desire, then I personally have no problems with the mutual exchange.

Unfortunately the former. I wish to not go into relationships again, at least until there is a way and a means from which I can curtail thre event of my cheating altogether.

So, it's too hard to keep yourself from cheating? Damn.

Basically yes. I only cheated once, but as they say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Sure, sure, I regret my actions, but I can't risk other people's emotions as well as my own again. To do so would be irresponsible.

I cheated once, so what proof is there that I would never do it again? None, I say.

Therefore, it is better for me to avoid the issue altogether, rather than risk dragging other people into heartache again.

Hmm... do you know why this is happing? Were you dating people who you were trying to establish chemistry with but couldn't?

I don't know if I'd have the cheating problem but finding someone I'm actually attracted to seems very difficult - its not even that I'm looking for someone with outlandish looks, more likely just the interplay of different people's styles (also I get the feeling I'm much more chemicallyattracted to women who are much more dialed in on their sexuality and emotional side while consciously and emotionally I crave someone who can see the best in me, can see the whole person they're talking to, have an eye to eye conversation on-the-level, seems very difficult to make those two things meet though).

I'd just say take this as a learning experience and try to figure out what's going wrong - it sounds like there's something about these girls you aren't feeling. If its not that but rather more of an impulse control issue; I don't know what to advise there aside from maybe figure out if your impulsiveness is some kind of self-medication for a greater stress in your life? From the self analysis you sound like you mean to be a good guy - I'd just hate to see you brick yourself out of life or let the right woman pass you buy over your fears of this.

I think it was due to personal weakness, it might have been a temporary failing of mine.

I am not entirely sure myself, and I feel avoidant about the whole issue.

What went wrong was that I was probably unattracted to the girl I cheated on - she had Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizophrenia, and Depression - a bad combination. I probably never should have dated her in the first place, yet I still feel obligated to stay away from relationships altogether in order to "atone" for what I did to her. By contrast, the woman who I cheated with, she was older than I (I was 21, she was nearly 31) was and, though it takes two to tango, was quite manipulative of me. I regret both involvements in hindsight, and attribute both to desperation on my part.

And anyway, Orbyss, in theory I could prevent myself from cheating. In fact, I never want to cheat again, but I fear that I would, if I've done it once, I could do it again. I don't want that under any circumstance, even if someone held a gun to my head. Knowing I cheated makes me feel positively awful, even if neither relationship was any good. If I could go back in time I would prevent myself from having cheated. Perhaps "once a cheater, always a cheater" is just a cliche and nothing more - or at least, so I hope.

I made this reply because deep down, I know, that this self-imposed isolation may not be the best option.

Lordmutt: I hope you're right about there being someone for me.

There's a reason people live in seclusion in Buddhist temples and such... they see the cycle of suffering is due to attachment, and meditating helps reduce your need to rely on others, the goal being to rely on nothing at all. Otherwise, you're always a slave to circumstance, and things are always temporary. Through the fault of yours or the other person's, something falls through. Oopsy-doodle. It's even worse when you recognize your faults and wish you didn't have them so that you don't put the other person at risk. I mean, what the hell is that? That's like... absurd.

Hooray for temporary!

And your point is...

I don't know - I guess I'm just as frustrated as you are.

Mate, I can definately sympathise, I have had two girlfriends, and it didn't work out, for the same reason that it doesn't for most men with Aspergers. However, I am a Christian, I did not lose my virginity, and I would not go to prostitutes (having said that I am not guiltless sexually). If I had have, I would feel much more guilty. The difficulty and unlikelyhood of finding a girlfriend/wife has been the source of much depression, and at times suicidal ideation. But I trust God and in only a few decades or so all my suffering will be finshed for eternity.