We as Aspies should stop trying to make friends/relationship

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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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19 Apr 2019, 4:42 pm

My problem with NTs is that their attention to me is unpredictable and I take loads of time to express myself (so it takes a while to talk and especially write). Sometimes I'm too tired to hang out, sometimes I miss them, but they're not there/don't write.
I think for us to actually like relationships, it would be best to have it all scheduled...



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20 Apr 2019, 11:12 am

I don't try for boyfriends anymore because I find it hard to root out red flags with the opposite sex. I think because I had a bad relationship with my dad.

If the right woman came along (I'm bi) I would date her. But she'd have to be so much like me and a friend first that it was worth me investing my time.

I have a very few friends how I'd consider friends but to me, a 'friend' is like a partner you wouldn't go to bed with or kiss. I do have one - I met her in person and now she's my pen pal and we write letters to each other which are deep.

I have quite a few friendly acquaintances who like me and online friends the same. They don't really know me deep down but I'm not sure I need them to. As long as they're nice.

What I hate is that some of those people patronise me, especially offline because I look young.

I'm not really sure that adults have best friends. Mum does but she is very much into all that. And she puts up with a lot. Being aspie - I wouldn't put up with being ill-treated (except by my dad, it took 30 years to get rid of him but that's family).

(In case people are wondering, I'm butch so I don't think my different reactions to boyfriends versus girlfriends has to do with finding females easier to relate to. If anything, I find guys easier to get on with which is why most of my platonic friends are blokes)

And a lot of my friends are artistic types anyway, not saying they're aspie because that's couch diagnosis but they're not 'normal' conventional types.



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07 May 2019, 1:01 pm

Ohhh yes! Lately, I've felt the same way esp. with the world at large becoming increasingly crazier. I'm quick to reclaim my rational-side; that is there are many thoughtful, quality people (NTs and HFAs) who feel the same, and yearn to step out of their comfort zones to meet like-minded people!

Anyways, a novel exercise is in order. It's been found that creative-writing can yield beneficial results e.g., to "break the ice so to speak."

Enclosed is a LINK with further details; that is creative-writing exercises in describing sleep-dreams involving active social interaction.

Please use this discussion thread in describing sleep dreams LINK: 'Sleep Dreams W/ Social Interaction & Breaking The Ice?' viewtopic.php?t=375933



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07 May 2019, 8:35 pm

Wow! This thread brings back memories...



Mona Pereth
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15 May 2019, 2:34 pm

Richard_the_ Dogged wrote:
I think we need to set up our own institutions and social realms. And that is easier as one gets older.

With this I totally agree.

We should seriously brainstorm what kinds of social realms we can create that will work for us, and how we can create them.


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- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


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15 May 2019, 2:50 pm

Richard_the_ Dogged wrote:
Rather, we should be developing and applying our special abilities, and building organizations which help us do that.

Yes! That sounds like a good kind of setting in which autistic and autistic-like people could make friends with each other.


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- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


Mona Pereth
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15 May 2019, 5:00 pm

artinesol wrote:
I have started to feel this way too.

Over the years as a female aspie, I became a pretty decent actress and made friends by pretending to be someone else, gaining inspiration from people who are REALLY good at making friends and who people naturally love. It was with some success, but even the friends I make tend to be one or two at any one time, they also always had something about them - eccentric, ADHD, ASD and so on.....

This is going to make me sound like a terrible person, maybe as an aspie I am just naturally inclined to be a dick to people. I get exhausted pretending I care about peoples lives. People think I am a good listener because I let them talk for hours and give feedback/advice. But mostly I cant understand why its important and I get frustrated with them for it.

I hate that I cannot talk about myself with having such niche interests and being a HIGHLY private person.

Have you ever tried looking for people who share your niche interests and who deeply enjoy talking about those interests and/or participating in whatever activities those interests entail?

My friends have ALWAYS been people who shared one or more niche interests of mine. Having a shared niche interest is not, in and of itself, a sufficient basis for a friendship, but, for me, it's an essential starting point.

I have almost never attempted to make friends by pretending to be someone else. My strategy, instead, has always been to seek out fellow oddballs, the more similar to me, the better.

artinesol wrote:
Starting a topic about myself only feels somehow self-centred. I naturally assume anything I say is boring and people often talk over me/don't hear me anyway.

I too tend to be intensely private, and I too tend not to talk about myself very much during the initial stages of a potentially budding friendship.

As for how to avoid feeling that one is "boring": In my experience, one way to be seen as "interesting" by another person is to be perceived as an expert on a topic of deep mutual interest. This can be accomplished by researching a special interest in depth and then creating a helpful relevant public resource such as (in today's world) a blog or website. (Back in my younger days, before the Internet became popular, I created, for example, a newsletter and pen pal network for people with an interest in vampire lore, which was one of my main hobbies when I was in my teens.) If both I and another person are highly knowledgeable about different aspects of the same topic and we both enjoy talking about it, then it's easy to have lots of very interesting, mutually informative and enjoyable conversations.

artinesol wrote:
I have experienced ample social rejection, embarrassing and awkward situations and I think that's mainly why I agree with this. I should stop trying because its more pain than its worth to try and make friends/be in relationships, which is the foundation of fitting in with society. Which we as aspies know is not viable anyway.

I think that, instead of EITHER trying to "fit in with society" or giving up on friendship altogether, it might be better for autistic (and autistic-like) people to figure out how to fit in with EACH OTHER, so we can create a more genuinely supportive and mutually helpful subculture. I think it's much easier for us to learn to understand each other than to learn to understand NT's. Of course, autistic (and autistic-like) people are so varied that we aren't necessarily compatible as friends with other autistic (and autistic-like) people either, but, here in forums such as Wrong Planet, we can at least brainstorm about things like what we want in a friendship and how we can make friendships work.


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- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


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15 May 2019, 7:36 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:


Hmmm. That article is aimed at a particular category of people who are likely mistaken about their condition: so-called "Targeted Individuals." See Mind Games: The Tortured Lives of ‘Targeted Individuals’ (Laura Yan, Wired, March 4, 2018) and So you think you’ve been implanted against your will? (Amal Graafstra, July 2016).


_________________
- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


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23 May 2019, 5:42 pm

Yes, Yes, I understand the discouragement regarding friendships!

I must say, I'm beginning to empathize with the thoughtful people who felt they were "spinning their wheels" to personally encourage friendships. Presently, I, and quite a few of us on this forum have that tiring feeling of........."spinning our wheels!"

I've gradually become better at reclaiming my rational-side; that is there are many thoughtful, quality people (NTs and HFAs) who feel the same, and yearn to step out of their comfort zones to meet like-minded people!

Developing, and maintaining friendships with NT people who have some understanding/experiences with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) is doable! Yet, ironically, we might naturally shy away from people (NTs and HFA alike) who have too much experience with the Autism Spectrum.

Please, please refrain from the notions of giving-up on the notions of friendships.

It is naturally asked, "how can NTs and HFAs develop friendships....despite such friendships seeming to happen only by "chance and accident?" Let's not be discouraged by the notions that quality people are hard to come by (and keep)!

I've found "novel exercises" necessary to "break the ice" so to speak. Even humor can be quite liberating!

For example, reconsidering sleep-dreams involving social interaction may yield astounding perspectives. One example I once dreamed is both indicative, and somewhat comical regarding potential real-life situations: I had mocked a silly joke that the joker in our group had preformed. I quickly received friendly sarcasm that asked, "do your jokes hurt your social life?" I sensed the joker in the group added to the friendly sarcasm!

The moral of this dream is that relating too much to one member of your group might also be a faux pas; even as bad as being too passive in a group setting!

See the insights that "novel ice breaking" exercises might yield??



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24 May 2019, 8:51 am

rick42 wrote:
Personally I see no point. Part of having AS/Autism is the inability to make friends or have romantic relationships.Myself is guilty for trying.Over the last 15 years,I have asked out many women out on dates(including Aspie women),and every single one of them rejected me.For over 25 years,I have tried to get to know people and be friends with them,but that failed as well.Over the last week or so.I have realize that it's simply close to impossible for a Aspies,especially Aspie males to have friends or be in relationships.Besides having any friends/relationship is a NT/non Aspie thing anyway.The fact is that Aspies are just not meant to have any friends/relationships and I have began to realize this reality and hopefully other Aspies come to realization that friendships/relationships are simply not meant for us .



Totally agree as an Aspie. I tried during my adolescence to have friends/ a girlfriend. It never ended up good, I just can't handle social situations/romantic stuff for long...



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24 May 2019, 8:55 am

The only way I see for an Aspie to make friends is not actually making friends but just creating a work relationship.

It worked fine for me and in this manner I had the chance to speak about subjects that I loved with other people, sharing views, thoughts that would not have been shared otherwise.

But really the only way (at least for me) to have friends is to go out with them only when I am willing to do so and not when they ask to, there are some days where I really can't help having social anxiety and having a friend begging me to go out with him at an overcrowded event is something I really don't like!

Speaking again on the working side, in my past working experiences I had the chance to speak with many people, and as long as it was a professional, formal conversation I could handle it very well. Basically knowing that we would have just one or two chat, without future prospects...



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24 May 2019, 9:19 am

rick42 wrote:
Personally I see no point. Part of having AS/Autism is the inability to make friends or have romantic relationships.Myself is guilty for trying.Over the last 15 years,I have asked out many women out on dates(including Aspie women),and every single one of them rejected me.For over 25 years,I have tried to get to know people and be friends with them,but that failed as well.Over the last week or so.I have realize that it's simply close to impossible for a Aspies,especially Aspie males to have friends or be in relationships.Besides having any friends/relationship is a NT/non Aspie thing anyway.The fact is that Aspies are just not meant to have any friends/relationships and I have began to realize this reality and hopefully other Aspies come to realization that friendships/relationships are simply not meant for us .


I've been married for 18 years and have had romantic relationships prior to this that have lasted a number of years as well. Is it more difficult to find the right person? Yes. But a lot of things are difficult for people in life for a whole host of reasons.

Formal courtship and dating was accepted and even required in prior generations. These practices taught young people how to develop romantic relationships. Certainly even back then people of both sexes were rejected or had a more difficult time finding a partner, but I can't help but think that with structured courtship and dating completely gone from life today if young people have no such skills.


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24 May 2019, 12:19 pm

How are you at small talk; as a regular at your local eatery, coffee house? Have you, and even one of the servers shared experiences, goals, perspectives etc, etc..etc? Are you able to sense basic social-skills beyond small-talk i.e., people watching through osmosis?

If the answer is YES, and we've long forgotten negative experiences, consider developing, and maintaining friendships with NT people who have some understanding/experiences with High-Functioning Autism (HFA), period.



Aweeshoe
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28 May 2019, 6:04 pm

This is something I'm really, really struggling with at the moment. I'm a 43yr old woman and have never fitted in with any social groups. I find that I become ostracised from, well basically everyone. I'm at the point of giving up



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28 May 2019, 9:33 pm

Aweeshoe wrote:
This is something I'm really, really struggling with at the moment. I'm a 43yr old woman and have never fitted in with any social groups. I find that I become ostracised from, well basically everyone. I'm at the point of giving up

you are in good company here, welcome! :flower: don't give up on us, por favor :)