We as Aspies should stop trying to make friends/relationship

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Substantially_Abstract
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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19 Apr 2019, 4:42 pm

My problem with NTs is that their attention to me is unpredictable and I take loads of time to express myself (so it takes a while to talk and especially write). Sometimes I'm too tired to hang out, sometimes I miss them, but they're not there/don't write.
I think for us to actually like relationships, it would be best to have it all scheduled...



TUF
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20 Apr 2019, 11:12 am

I don't try for boyfriends anymore because I find it hard to root out red flags with the opposite sex. I think because I had a bad relationship with my dad.

If the right woman came along (I'm bi) I would date her. But she'd have to be so much like me and a friend first that it was worth me investing my time.

I have a very few friends how I'd consider friends but to me, a 'friend' is like a partner you wouldn't go to bed with or kiss. I do have one - I met her in person and now she's my pen pal and we write letters to each other which are deep.

I have quite a few friendly acquaintances who like me and online friends the same. They don't really know me deep down but I'm not sure I need them to. As long as they're nice.

What I hate is that some of those people patronise me, especially offline because I look young.

I'm not really sure that adults have best friends. Mum does but she is very much into all that. And she puts up with a lot. Being aspie - I wouldn't put up with being ill-treated (except by my dad, it took 30 years to get rid of him but that's family).

(In case people are wondering, I'm butch so I don't think my different reactions to boyfriends versus girlfriends has to do with finding females easier to relate to. If anything, I find guys easier to get on with which is why most of my platonic friends are blokes)

And a lot of my friends are artistic types anyway, not saying they're aspie because that's couch diagnosis but they're not 'normal' conventional types.



JustFoundHere
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07 May 2019, 1:01 pm

Ohhh yes! Lately, I've felt the same way esp. with the world at large becoming increasingly crazier. I'm quick to reclaim my rational-side; that is there are many thoughtful, quality people (NTs and HFAs) who feel the same, and yearn to step out of their comfort zones to meet like-minded people!

Anyways, a novel exercise is in order. It's been found that creative-writing can yield beneficial results e.g., to "break the ice so to speak."

Enclosed is a LINK with further details; that is creative-writing exercises in describing sleep-dreams involving active social interaction.

Please use this discussion thread in describing sleep dreams LINK: 'Sleep Dreams W/ Social Interaction & Breaking The Ice?' viewtopic.php?t=375933



Twilightprincess
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07 May 2019, 8:35 pm

Wow! This thread brings back memories...



Mona Pereth
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15 May 2019, 2:34 pm

Richard_the_ Dogged wrote:
I think we need to set up our own institutions and social realms. And that is easier as one gets older.

With this I totally agree.

We should seriously brainstorm what kinds of social realms we can create that will work for us, and how we can create them.


_________________
- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome back in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


Mona Pereth
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15 May 2019, 2:50 pm

Richard_the_ Dogged wrote:
Rather, we should be developing and applying our special abilities, and building organizations which help us do that.

Yes! That sounds like a good kind of setting in which autistic and autistic-like people could make friends with each other.


_________________
- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome back in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


Mona Pereth
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15 May 2019, 5:00 pm

artinesol wrote:
I have started to feel this way too.

Over the years as a female aspie, I became a pretty decent actress and made friends by pretending to be someone else, gaining inspiration from people who are REALLY good at making friends and who people naturally love. It was with some success, but even the friends I make tend to be one or two at any one time, they also always had something about them - eccentric, ADHD, ASD and so on.....

This is going to make me sound like a terrible person, maybe as an aspie I am just naturally inclined to be a dick to people. I get exhausted pretending I care about peoples lives. People think I am a good listener because I let them talk for hours and give feedback/advice. But mostly I cant understand why its important and I get frustrated with them for it.

I hate that I cannot talk about myself with having such niche interests and being a HIGHLY private person.

Have you ever tried looking for people who share your niche interests and who deeply enjoy talking about those interests and/or participating in whatever activities those interests entail?

My friends have ALWAYS been people who shared one or more niche interests of mine. Having a shared niche interest is not, in and of itself, a sufficient basis for a friendship, but, for me, it's an essential starting point.

I have almost never attempted to make friends by pretending to be someone else. My strategy, instead, has always been to seek out fellow oddballs, the more similar to me, the better.

artinesol wrote:
Starting a topic about myself only feels somehow self-centred. I naturally assume anything I say is boring and people often talk over me/don't hear me anyway.

I too tend to be intensely private, and I too tend not to talk about myself very much during the initial stages of a potentially budding friendship.

As for how to avoid feeling that one is "boring": In my experience, one way to be seen as "interesting" by another person is to be perceived as an expert on a topic of deep mutual interest. This can be accomplished by researching a special interest in depth and then creating a helpful relevant public resource such as (in today's world) a blog or website. (Back in my younger days, before the Internet became popular, I created, for example, a newsletter and pen pal network for people with an interest in vampire lore, which was one of my main hobbies when I was in my teens.) If both I and another person are highly knowledgeable about different aspects of the same topic and we both enjoy talking about it, then it's easy to have lots of very interesting, mutually informative and enjoyable conversations.

artinesol wrote:
I have experienced ample social rejection, embarrassing and awkward situations and I think that's mainly why I agree with this. I should stop trying because its more pain than its worth to try and make friends/be in relationships, which is the foundation of fitting in with society. Which we as aspies know is not viable anyway.

I think that, instead of EITHER trying to "fit in with society" or giving up on friendship altogether, it might be better for autistic (and autistic-like) people to figure out how to fit in with EACH OTHER, so we can create a more genuinely supportive and mutually helpful subculture. I think it's much easier for us to learn to understand each other than to learn to understand NT's. Of course, autistic (and autistic-like) people are so varied that we aren't necessarily compatible as friends with other autistic (and autistic-like) people either, but, here in forums such as Wrong Planet, we can at least brainstorm about things like what we want in a friendship and how we can make friendships work.


_________________
- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome back in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


Mona Pereth
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15 May 2019, 7:36 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:


Hmmm. That article is aimed at a particular category of people who are likely mistaken about their condition: so-called "Targeted Individuals." See Mind Games: The Tortured Lives of ‘Targeted Individuals’ (Laura Yan, Wired, March 4, 2018) and So you think you’ve been implanted against your will? (Amal Graafstra, July 2016).


_________________
- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome back in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.