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Summer_Twilight
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08 Jun 2019, 7:05 am

I have a new friend who has been a part of a social group that is run by others who are on the spectrum, like ourselves. I recently just met him at one of their parties along with some other new people. He and I recently started associating. He is a very nice person and likes to reach out to others outside the group and their families

He told me that he invited two new people to the social group who are also on the spectrum which happened to have a couple of video game nights
1. One of them evidently too loud
2. The other is a poor sport about losing

The leader of the social group said that he and two other people agreed that he cannot bring any more people over. If he does, he is out of the video game night altogether. My friend also explained to me that the leader had enough trouble with him managing his emotions when someone blows him off. Moreover, the leader delivered an ultimatum to him and said: "Us or them, take your pick." He is wondering why a friend would say something like this to him.

I saw some of the messages that this leader wrote which I honestly found to be very toxic and unsupportive. He told him, "We are sick of you victimizing yourself."

I have spent time with him and I don't think he plays the victim at all.



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09 Jun 2019, 12:29 am

Hi again Summer, hope you're well. This isn't that germaine to your post, but I just wanted to say I'm glad you're making new friends through your group. I'm doing the same through my support group and it's just so nice to finally be making new friends again after several years of not having had the opportunity. Good luck with this dilemma you seem to be in, I hope it works out for the best.



Mona Pereth
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09 Jun 2019, 9:39 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I have a new friend who has been a part of a social group that is run by others who are on the spectrum, like ourselves. I recently just met him at one of their parties along with some other new people. He and I recently started associating. He is a very nice person and likes to reach out to others outside the group and their families

He told me that he invited two new people to the social group who are also on the spectrum which happened to have a couple of video game nights
1. One of them evidently too loud
2. The other is a poor sport about losing

The leader of the social group said that he and two other people agreed that he cannot bring any more people over. If he does, he is out of the video game night altogether. My friend also explained to me that the leader had enough trouble with him managing his emotions when someone blows him off. Moreover, the leader delivered an ultimatum to him and said: "Us or them, take your pick." He is wondering why a friend would say something like this to him.

I saw some of the messages that this leader wrote which I honestly found to be very toxic and unsupportive. He told him, "We are sick of you victimizing yourself."

I have spent time with him and I don't think he plays the victim at all.

Perhaps you and your friend need to start a new social group? Not all autistic people can get along with all other autistic people.

Hopefully the new group can be created without any bad blood toward the old group. Hopefully, too, the two groups could agree to differentiate themselves from each other in some way, perhaps on the basis of accommodating different, mutually incompatible access needs? (For example, perhaps the old group might aim to accommodate sound-sensitive people, which necessitates excluding loud talkers, whereas the new group might specifically include loud talkers, who are also common among autistic people?)


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- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


Summer_Twilight
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09 Jun 2019, 11:25 am

Mona, I saw him yesterday at a party and he told me that he is scared of two things

1. He is scared of being rejected all over again from this group -I am telling him that he has friends in that group who won't reject him and myself included.
2. He is scared that if he starts this new group, it will be out of spite - Those friends, including myself, would be there including the ones he wants to be there.

He also told me that he didn't sleep very well on Friday because he got into a fight with the leader via text which I had him show me. From what I saw,
1. I sense that my friend walks on eggshells around a lot of those people
2. The leader is very critical of him and it sounds like it's every time my friend turns around
3. The leader compared him to other people in the group who are allowed to bring people over and here is why.
"Now person A is allowed to bring people over because they know how to behave. Person B can being people over because one of the two people behaved. Yours don't."
4. He was told that he keeps forgetting his stress balls for video game nights and can't go unless he brings them
5. He has gone to every event and always seems mad

Last night told me he went to one of their social dinners after the party and he got picked on by the leader for saying "Ew" at another guy because he ate too much and had vomited. He said that the leader got mad at him for that as well.

I know he wants to make it work but I feel that he leaves this group feeling upset.



Mona Pereth
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09 Jun 2019, 4:27 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Mona, I saw him yesterday at a party and he told me that he is scared of two things

1. He is scared of being rejected all over again from this group -I am telling him that he has friends in that group who won't reject him and myself included.
2. He is scared that if he starts this new group, it will be out of spite - Those friends, including myself, would be there including the ones he wants to be there.

In my opinion, you and he and a few other friends should start the new group. If he is feeling spiteful, then your friend should, perhaps, be the primary behind-the-scenes organizer but NOT the primary public face of the new group, to reduce the likelihood of quarrels with the old group. Hopefully there is someone else (perhaps you?) who would be willing to be the primary public leader of the new group?

Summer_Twilight wrote:
He also told me that he didn't sleep very well on Friday because he got into a fight with the leader via text which I had him show me. From what I saw,
1. I sense that my friend walks on eggshells around a lot of those people
2. The leader is very critical of him and it sounds like it's every time my friend turns around
3. The leader compared him to other people in the group who are allowed to bring people over and here is why.
"Now person A is allowed to bring people over because they know how to behave. Person B can being people over because one of the two people behaved. Yours don't."
4. He was told that he keeps forgetting his stress balls for video game nights and can't go unless he brings them
5. He has gone to every event and always seems mad

Obviously a new group is needed. Hopefully someone other than him (maybe you?) can negotiate with the leader of the old group on how the two groups can mutually differentiate themselves from each other without insulting each other?


_________________
- Finally diagnosed with ASD in May 2019, after having suspected it for over ten years, and after having deeply explored the autism community for over one year while waiting for and obtaining diagnosis.
- In longterm relationship with boyfriend who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2001.
- Long history of participation in various oddball subcultures.
- My "Getting to know each other" thread: Hello from NYC.


Summer_Twilight
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09 Jun 2019, 4:56 pm

I am just getting to know him and I don't want to be involved, at the moment I just want to listen to him. I also have a full plate of my own at the moment. That said, I want him to have other options to hang out with because I feel like the people in this sound like they aren't that interested in him. I am also worried that they are trying to change him



cyberdad
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09 Jun 2019, 5:32 pm

Mona's advice is correct and applies in the NT social world as well.

As adults we aren't like kids in a playground where friendship is deemed for life. Life is short and you and your friend are not obligated to put yourselves in a toxic social environment.

You do not have to necessarily "burn bridges" but tell the leader of this group you want to "take a break" and do other things with your time. Then you and your friend can trial forming a separate social meeting group.



Summer_Twilight
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09 Jun 2019, 11:21 pm

I do agree that the environment over there is toxic because he feels like the leader "Scolds him" just about every time he turns around for everything. Here are the signs that the relationship is toxic

A. He gets criticized

1. He brought the wrong kinds of people to their video game night
2. He forgot his stress balls every video game night
3. He makes other people in the group feel uncomfortable
4. He has a lack of empathy
5. He's a spoiled brat
6. He's selfish
7. He victimizes himself
8. He constantly says that the others complain about him all the time

B. He walks on eggshell around this leader
C. The leader tells him he needs to change along with trying to change his other friends
D. He is making my friend compete with other friends of the leader by comparing them
E. The leader is controlling



cyberdad
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10 Jun 2019, 4:02 am

He honestly sounds very insecure. Do you feel obligated to remain? if not spread your wings and fly...be free



Summer_Twilight
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10 Jun 2019, 10:52 am

Who, my new friend or the host? That host definitely is insecure himself, otherwise he would not pick on my friend.



cyberdad
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11 Jun 2019, 2:14 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Who, my new friend or the host? That host definitely is insecure himself, otherwise he would not pick on my friend.

Yeah the host...



Summer_Twilight
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11 Jun 2019, 8:40 am

Cyberdad, I don't go to many of their things because this group tends to be full of drama next to finding they are really clicky. Rather, I am worried about my new friend because it seems like just about every time he attends something, he walks away upset and confused.

My new friend is 10 years younger than I am and is going through a stage that I went through at that age where I wanted to try and make it work with people who disliked me or had a little to no interest in me. I didn't want to listen to anyone, I wanted to win these people over.

What do you suggest?



cyberdad
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12 Jun 2019, 5:28 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Cyberdad, I don't go to many of their things because this group tends to be full of drama next to finding they are really clicky. Rather, I am worried about my new friend because it seems like just about every time he attends something, he walks away upset and confused.

My new friend is 10 years younger than I am and is going through a stage that I went through at that age where I wanted to try and make it work with people who disliked me or had a little to no interest in me. I didn't want to listen to anyone, I wanted to win these people over.

What do you suggest?

You and your friend need new social contacts. As i said earlier it's not necessary to burn bridges but try and expand your social circles. This is what NTs do, don't get stuck with the same crowd.



Summer_Twilight
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12 Jun 2019, 10:30 am

Ok, I will see if this new friend wants to join some meetup groups and while doing with our other friends.