New girl in my office

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I was waiting for you to write part 2, but I fugured maybe I can go ahead and reply to part 1 and hopefully it won't interfere with your writing part 2.



Glad you can relate to it.



The way uber ratings work are: 5 = "there were no issues", 4 = "there was some issue", 3 = "there was a major issue", etc. Well I don't remember what it was, but something along those lines. Thats why they are concentrated at the top. But yes, 4.8 is an average rating; so I guess an average person has some issue 1 out of 5 rides. On the other hand, the person with 4.6 has issue almost every other ride. Thats why this difference is important.



Yeah that makes sense. When I first learned about uber ratings, I thought "I bet I have 3 or even 2". Then I looked and saw 4.62 and I was like "phew, I am glad I have a good rating, thats surprising". But then when I looked further I was like "oh no, 4.62 is not good at all, its actually horrible, why is my rating so low". So I can see how you misinterpretted it: I did as well.

But like I said, now I am 4.81, so my rating is finally average rather than low. Incidentally it dropped from 4.82 to 4.81 just today so I don't know what I did. Perpahs the driver was a jerk. But I am sure it won't drop any further, at least I hope not.



Okay, I found a better way to explain where I was coming from. Yes, I take all my relationships very seriously -- but, believe it or not, taking it seriously is the exact reason why I don't want to put in the effort. Here is why. If I have to put more effort than most people do, then it means I am "worse" than most people, so that damages my self esteem. In case of marriage, everyone puts an effort -- so in this case I wouldn't have anything to complain about. But in case of simple officemate situation, nobody puts in effort except for me -- so then yes, I have plenty to complain. If I didn't take those things seriously I would say "who cares how I compare to others; I want to talk to her, so I will talk". But I do take it seriously -- so yes I very much do care how I compare to others -- which is precisely the reason why I am protesting so hard against putting in the effort.

Or let me even give you an uber example that you finally understood. Putting in effort is akin to tipping an uber. In case of uber the challenge is to get a good rating without tipping them. In case of my officemate the challenge is to get her to talk to me without putting in any effort. So I am not lazy -- I am sure writing all those pages takes a lot more time than saying hello to her -- but the issue is pride. If I write those pages, she presumably doesn't see it, so it doesn't take away from that hope that one day she will talk to me all on her own without my initating anything. But if I actually say hello to her, then yes it would take from this hope. She won't be able to say hello *first* if I have already said it first -- and getting her to say it first is the whole point of it.

By the way I just remembered the conversation with my mom about her that I had all the way back in the beginning of september. My mom said "you shouldn't miss that opportunity, so you should say hello to her". And I said "I agree with you, I don't want to miss that opportunity -- and thats why I won't say hello to her". What I meant is that I didn't want to miss an opportunity for her to say hello to me first -- but, of course, that never happened.

And here is yet another reason I don't want to put in effort. As cyberdad said, the first three rounds have to do with appearance. Then things like saying hello is only round number 4. So since I was disqualified during the first three rounds, she didn't let me do round number 4. Now what you are telling me is "you are a free person, you can do round number 4 anyway, regardless of the fact that you weren't invited to do it". Well, apart from the obvious fact that it won't count -- it would do a serious damage to my self esteem if I try to do it. Think about it. If I can do round number 4 despite not being invited, then everyone else can do it too. But then what is the point of being invited? The point is because "not" being invited -- and doing it anyway -- is humiliating. Well, thats exactly why I don't want to do it.



I am not sure what you are referring to. Can you spell it out?



Well, I remember a girl, back in 2010, whom I met on a dating site and who said we were just friends. This was one of the few instances when I didn't take it personally and actually agreed to be just friends (that was because her stated reason was geographical distance). Then, a year later, she was in an abusive relationship and I was supportive of her through this. When she got out of that abusive relationship, she started showing signs of being interested in me. But I didn't reciprocate that because I was obsessing about one of the girls I knew few years before her -- and was asking her about advice on getting that other girl back. Then few months later she gave up. When she withdrew the affection then I suddenly became interested in her and started arguing with her why doesn't she give me a second chance, but that just kept pushing her away further and further until she stopped talking to me altogether.

In any case, if I throw away the second half of the story and just look at the first half, then the first half was an example where letting it go was beneficial.



So then it boils down to the choice between the two evils. What is worse: to be hurt because I over-attended or because I over-let-it-be? To me, over-let-it-be is worse, because thats the situation where the other person might have factual misinformation that I never had a chance to correct. Actually I wrote a post with such examples: viewtopic.php?t=384059 To me it feels like those kinds of factual misunderstandings are far worse than the other person simply being tired of the arguments.



In my case what ends up happening is when I over-attend and the other person over-lets-it-be, it becomes a conflict rather than balance. So how do you manage to make it a balance?



By courtesy I mean someone being willing to say hi to me when they are supposed to (lets say they work on customer service). So it really doesn't count.



The point I was trying to make is that -- even if someone doesn't like your intensity -- its unfair to think of entirety of you as bad simply because they don't like one aspect of you.

My response, approx 2½ weeks later. Part 2.

Me too. I have been lacking validation. And folks suggest I simply need to validate myself, but they don't understand that they implicitly get validation from their peers and I am actively invalidated ("what are saying? nobody thinks/hears/feels that!". Thankfully I have an ASD support group now, and this board and can "meet" people like us which provides validation.


Careful that we don't over generalize. Most employers may not "like" me, but I have to believe there is one who will (if I desire to be employed). Do you instinctively know a woman is not a good fit, so you appropriately are not pursuing that option; or are you having a knee-jerk reaction to pass experience and missing a viable opportunity? (I would ask myself the same questions about most things --- LOL and not know the answers! )


It was in relation to your tendency to think and ask. You demonstrated that in your response. I am repress my tendency to ask more, but am still going through the thought process. In this case, my analysis was a 80% probability that my co-worker meant well, so I made that my assumption and moved on (without asking and without thinking further on it).


Is the "still wondering" helping or hindering you? What are the benefits or not of making the assumption that 1 is true (enough) and moving on, versus pursuing the issue? I think of examples where I would make the assumption (with casual folks, or probability 80%) and examples where I would pursue the issue (where stakes are high, or as educational purpose with trusted folks).

I can totally relate. That is exactly how I feel.



At least in my case this doesn't seem to work. First of all, most people here aren't that supportive of me. But even if they were, it wouldn't really count for much, unless I could meet them in the real world at some point. It is face to face interaction that I crave.



Neither of the two. Rather, the woman indicates by her behavior that she doesn't like me, so I act accordingly. The woman I am discussing in this thread is a really good example of this. If she liked me, I would have thought of her as a good fit -- I always wanted to date mathematicians. But she doesn't like me -- and thats why I obsess about her. And I don't just make a default statement "women don't like me so she doesn't like me". If I did, I wouldn't be obsessing. Rather, what happened was that when she first walked into the office I was thinking "female mathematician here, lets hope she likes me". But then a minute later I was like "no she clearly doesn't like me" -- and from that point onward I was obsessing about it.

I guess if I talk about women other than her, there were a select few that liked me but I stupidly didn't reciprocate. Well, I regret the way I acted those *few* times. But *few* is an understantement -- I am thinking of past two decades and I can count them on my fingers. So how many years do I have to wait for the other one to come along and give me the obvious signs those ones did? And the fact that it keeps not happening is what makes me so frustrated.



I was asking what was the topic of conversation that you had with your coworker that prompted him to say it. Since people normally don't say things like that, I was thinking maybe you told your coworker about the correspondence with me, and that was his sarcastic response to that. But that of course is one example. Perhaps it wasn't me but, whatever situation you talked about, appeared funny in your coworkers eyes. In any case I was just curious to get more of a context, whatever it was.



As far as Chinese woman is concerned, it doesn't make much of a difference either way since I only date White women (the officemate I talked about in this thread is White). But then again, I do want to make friends too, and as far as friends go I would welcome friends of all races. And yes, I find female friendship important -- even if I know I won't date those women -- since I like female attention and it would give me some confidence. So yes, it sort of does bother me when I wonder exactly what did Chinese girl meant, but not nearly as much as it would have if she was White.

The good thing is that the fact that it doesn't bother me with the Chinese woman ultimately means that I can still talk to her. So I can practice interacting with a female, for what its worth. That, plus also the validation coming from the female feels more to me than the one coming from the male -- even if I know I won't date the female in question. I wish she could introduce me to someone though. But it doesn't seem very likely. I mean, yes she talks to me occasionally, but not much.

In any case, I do see your point though. I mean I do the whole overanalyzing thing with White girls too, and the more I like them the more I overanalyze. In fact, a lot of the girls to whom I talked to online said that their ultimeate reason for rejecting me is that they were tired of my overanalyzing everything they did.

But to answer your question how does it help me, well it helps in two ways:

a) If the girl can admit to me the "bad" thing she said, maybe I get a chance to "fix it" by explaining to her where she misunderstood me

b) I would avoid the situation where I am sitting there thinking that they are just busy and looking forward to the end of the week or whatever time they would be "less busy" when in actuality it has nothing to do with it, they just have their mind made up. That is a very ridiculous position to be at.



Well, I "see the stakes to be high" as you put it. In particular, it would be really painful to embarass myself.

Dude! you need to keep this race stuff to yourself. We are living in 2020 and you can't really say "I only date on type of race"

Secondly you are severely limiting yourself given your long checklist requirements....

I would have preferred to be in the 90s anyway viewtopic.php?t=384097

You couldn’t have these views in the 90s, either.

You have the right to date and marry who you want. But you ARE severely limiting yourself by sticking to white people.

It all depends whom you talk to. My 3-rd ex (whom I dated in 2012-2014) had those views herself so having them was fine by default.

But, statistically speaking, back in the 90s having those views was less of a taboo than it is now. Yes it was still a taboo, but less so.



How am I limitting myself if the majority of people in the US are White?

Or are you saying that other races have different dating preferences and so -- me being an aspie -- I have better chance of attracting other races?

Why do you only want to date white women? Have I missed this somewhere?

It’s not that there aren’t plenty of white women, but why limit yourself at all?

What if your ideal partner happens to be of another race?

Racial differences are quite minor.

I want my kids to look like me. I guess if I already had white kids I might have different perspective. But I want to have at least one white kid. But then again, as a Christian, I don't believe in devorce and re-marriage. So that would be the factor that would stop me from having colored kids after having the white kid.

As a separate point, the issue as to what to think of someone who dates a different race is controversial. By controversial I mean the simple fact that different people have different opinions on this -- right or wrong. So I don't want to attach my life to a controversy. Writing a school essay on how it is okay to date/marry other races is one thing. But signing on it with my whole life and social image is something completely different.

In this day and age, it’s not all that controversial. Most people don’t think twice about it.

My first boyfriend was black. It wasn’t that big of a deal.

Even if your kids are 100% white, they still might not look like you.

I think I heard of situations where this caused a huge fight or even family split. I don't remember whom I heard it from, but I believe I heard of it within the last couple of years actually.

Could it be that you simply happened to live in the circles where they don't care? While others at other places would?



Looking alike is a relative thing. So my standard is not to break the line that has been lasting for past several centuries. Did they all look alike? No. Were they all the same race? Yes. So I want to continue that line.

Perhaps part of it is that I was born in the Soviet Union and back then there were no blacks around. This had nothing to do with racism; instead it was what is called "iron border" which basically kept all foreigners out, regardless of their race. And since Russia didn't have history of slavery there were no native-born blacks either. So thats how it was mostly white.

In any case, given this historic context, to me the idea of a family was always about the one where we are all the same race and breaking that pattern feels weird. But to you it might be different since you were born and raised around all races.

But even then, if you ask yourself why didn't Americans all mix by now -- despite all races being available -- it seems like the answer is that they were "trying" to date their own kind. Well, yes, there are mulatos around which means that sometimes they do date other races. But, from statistical point of view, if they didn't mind it *at all* we would have all got mixed by now. So then it means that they do mind it somewhat, which is why I do as well.

I guess the answer to this might be that they minded it up until last decade or two, so now that they stopped minding it, they "will" become all mixed a century later. But then it goes back to what I talked about preserving the line. If you mix everything up you can't un-mix it, and doing something you can't undo feels bad in my book. If you could produce white kids and then have some mixed kids in addition to them then its not that bad; in this case your line is preserved. But if you don't have white kids to begin with, it would be something I would end up regretting at the end of my life if it were to happen.

Russia might not have had black slaves, but slavery was still a thing. I know it's not the point of this conversation, but that really hurt to look at.

I thought they had serfs not slaves. I think there is a difference between the two.

The difference is that you can only sell a serf along with the land, but other than that it seems very similiar. A horrible system in any case.

Why care what others think?

If people have regressive attitudes about race, I’d take that as encouragement more than anything else...

“Race” is just about how much melanin you have in your skin (and some other minor differences) which is determined by your heredity and ancestral locale.

I think you are entitled to your personal preferences, sounds like you have conditioned yourself but at the end of the day you need to be comfortable with your future partner. But keep these thoughts to yourself.

You need to understand, making your racial preferences known and publicly uttering your inner thoughts on race in public forums is really going to trigger people. It is offensive.

In reality if you were able to overcome your self-imposed restrictions there's an ocean of potential partners who likely would make you a great companion.