Positive social interactions and then... nothing?

Page 1 of 2 [ 24 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

WeirdMetronome
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 7 Oct 2021
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 112
Location: UK

06 Dec 2021, 3:46 am

Mostly talking about work since it's the only place I meet and talk to people...

Seems to be a reoccurring thing where I have what seems (to me anyway) a positive social interaction but then afterwards... I'm not too sure what happens? I don't know if I get ghosted or not.

An example of what happened recently was several weeks ago I had a meeting with another team to discuss me potentially doing some work for them in addition to what I currently do. I was super excited about this project because it's related to my special interest (I can't go into too much detail as it's a game in development). I also thought that I was getting along really well with the person I was talking to and they even mentioned meeting up at the weekend because we live close. She also said that they didn't have anyone on the project who had the same passion for the topic that I had. One of the other members of the team also seemed positive and said they would look into tasks and things I could potentially get involved in. I was so happy because I really wanted to help with this project, even if it meant I was doing extra work...

I don't know if I was too enthusiastic or what I did wrong but I haven't heard from anyone ever since. I did send over a follow up email as they wanted to know if I had access to the relevant files and things where I just reiterated that I enjoyed talking to them and that I was excited about the project etc.... But nope, nothing. I don't even mind if there's not any work that I could do but it seems so strange to not reply (we're all working in the same company btw - it's not like when you apply for a job and hear nothing back).

In any case, this isn't the first time that this type of thing has happened but I just don't understand why it happens and I just spend time afterwards analysing everything trying to figure out what I did wrong. Especially when it feels like I'm about to make a friend and they suggest meeting up outside of work and stuff. :( I think that may have hurt more than not working on the project. It's so bizarre. Why even say that?

I think I have a problem where I see other people involved in something I have an interest in but then I get a bit too excited about it... and I forget that not everyone has that level of interest, even if they are also involved in it... I dunno...

I always regret it afterwards and think I would have been better off saying nothing. This is why usually I just prefer not to talk to people at all because I get my hopes up when I think things are going well, only for it to backfire.



_cora_
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 26 Oct 2021
Age: 14
Gender: Female
Posts: 117
Location: United States

06 Dec 2021, 3:11 pm

Similar stuff happens to me a lot. I don't get it either. There's even people I used to be friends with, best friends, then suddenly they stop talking to me. It sucks. Idk what I'm doing wrong, because I'm usually super enthusiastic and interested in whatever we're talking about. I guess people just forget you if you're nice?



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 21,694
Location: UK

06 Dec 2021, 5:07 pm

Story of my life. It hurts so, so badly that I sometimes spiral into a self-loathing depression. I sometimes feel like asking people outright why they exclude me or ghost me, but I can't being myself to do it because it feels childish or petty if I did, if you know what I mean. Besides, I don't think they'll know either really, as my symptoms aren't obvious or stereotypical (which is what makes it so frustrating for me). People just shun me as an automatic response. This is where I don't believe that NTs are always responsible for all their actions, sometimes they do things without considering or understanding how they're making someone feel.


_________________
Female
Aged 31
On antidepressants
Diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and mild ASD
Empathy score: 61 out of a possible 80. (High)


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 79,525
Location: Queens, NYC

06 Dec 2021, 5:18 pm

That’s why the Internet is such a great resource—when used correctly.

In my personal life, I don’t really have “everyday” friends.



WeirdMetronome
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 7 Oct 2021
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 112
Location: UK

07 Dec 2021, 2:45 am

_cora_ wrote:
Similar stuff happens to me a lot. I don't get it either. There's even people I used to be friends with, best friends, then suddenly they stop talking to me. It sucks. Idk what I'm doing wrong, because I'm usually super enthusiastic and interested in whatever we're talking about. I guess people just forget you if you're nice?


Yeah, I had the same thing growing up too. :(

Joe90 wrote:
Story of my life. It hurts so, so badly that I sometimes spiral into a self-loathing depression. I sometimes feel like asking people outright why they exclude me or ghost me, but I can't being myself to do it because it feels childish or petty if I did, if you know what I mean. Besides, I don't think they'll know either really, as my symptoms aren't obvious or stereotypical (which is what makes it so frustrating for me). People just shun me as an automatic response. This is where I don't believe that NTs are always responsible for all their actions, sometimes they do things without considering or understanding how they're making someone feel.


I used to really hate myself for this too, but I think finding out that I'm likely autistic has kind of lessened this a bit. Now I just get frustrated because I can't seem to fix this so matter how hard I try. Even being aware of the things I could potentially do to put people off so I can avoid it doesn't seem to help. :\ I think it might be the amount of anxiety I get in social situations which makes it quite hard to maintain a consistent mask, so people can kinda tell something isn't quite right lol, even if they can't guess that I could be autistic.

kraftiekortie wrote:
That’s why the Internet is such a great resource—when used correctly.

In my personal life, I don’t really have “everyday” friends.


Yeah the internet is great for communicating with people on my own terms. :) And for finding people with the same problems :P

I don't have typical friendships either, just a couple of people on WhatsApp who I occasionally keep in contact with. I am pretty content with that, but sometimes I feel like I should try and get a bit more out of my comfort zone. I have to deal with people eventually and I'm worried if I avoid it too much then I will just find it even harder to approach others when I actually need to.



AprilR
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Apr 2016
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,670

07 Dec 2021, 2:24 pm

This happens to me too. Don't blame yourself for it, being enthusiastic about your interests is not a bad thing, and to me it doesn't seem like you behaved in an abnormal way at all.

I heard a term called "situational tolerance" and it basically explains most of my friendships in life. Friends i made at work and school always gradually lose interest after the situation that puts us together is over.



WeirdMetronome
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 7 Oct 2021
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 112
Location: UK

08 Dec 2021, 3:35 am

AprilR wrote:
I heard a term called "situational tolerance" and it basically explains most of my friendships in life. Friends i made at work and school always gradually lose interest after the situation that puts us together is over.


I hadn't heard of that before, that's exactly what happens to me as well. Whenever I finished school, university or changed jobs I was never able to keep friends (if I had any in the first place :P). There's only one person I am still in contact with from an old job but he isn't NT either so I think that might be different.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 79,525
Location: Queens, NYC

08 Dec 2021, 8:36 am

Sometimes, yes, it does happen that way.

It certainly doesn't have to be "you." The problem could very well lie with the other person.

If somebody doesn't want to be my friend, that's that "somebody's" problem, not mine.

I don't feel people's intentions in "not wanting to be your friend" are necessarily bad, or that the person doesn't like you. It's just that "all the ingredients" must be there for a friendship to develop. If the "ingredients" aren't there, it might not be anybody's "fault."

Many times, "friendships" are based on one person "using" another person. I value friendships, up to a point. When things start getting obligatory, I tend not to want to be the person's friend.



Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,639
Location: New York City (Queens)

09 Dec 2021, 5:16 pm

This is one of the many reasons why we need to create local groups of autistic people -- not just support groups, but also hobby-oriented social groups devoted to particular interests. (And other groups too, such as career-oriented groups devoted to particular professions/occupations.) Such groups could make it much easier for us to find friends (assuming we want friends, which many of us do, though some of us don't).

And, within these groups of ours, we need to encourage an ethic of being straightforward and assertive with each other (without being aggressive/nasty), instead of ghosting and other lazy/cowardly passive-aggressive behaviors that are common in mainstream society.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)


AngelL
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 13 Jul 2021
Gender: Male
Posts: 344
Location: Seattle, WA

09 Dec 2021, 11:38 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
In my personal life, I don’t really have “everyday” friends.


Me either! The voices in my head are enough for me! (Pardon my evil twin, he doesn't get out much :mrgreen: )



theprisoner
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jan 2021
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,465
Location: Britain

09 Dec 2021, 11:43 pm

I dont' think we're really capable of having friends. We're worlds unto ourselves. It's the nature of our fate. We're like parallel universes in a multiverse. If you're truly autistic, you're wrapped up in your own self first and foremost.


_________________
AQ: 27 Diagnosis:High functioning (just on the cusp of normal.) IQ:131 (somewhat inflated result but ego-flattering) DNA:XY Location: UK. Eyes: Blue. Hair: Brown. Height:6'1 Celebrity I most resemble: Tom hardy. Favorite Band: The Doors. Personality: uhhm ....(what can i say...we asd people are strange)


WeirdMetronome
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 7 Oct 2021
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 112
Location: UK

10 Dec 2021, 3:11 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
This is one of the many reasons why we need to create local groups of autistic people -- not just support groups, but also hobby-oriented social groups devoted to particular interests. (And other groups too, such as career-oriented groups devoted to particular professions/occupations.) Such groups could make it much easier for us to find friends (assuming we want friends, which many of us do, though some of us don't).

And, within these groups of ours, we need to encourage an ethic of being straightforward and assertive with each other (without being aggressive/nasty), instead of ghosting and other lazy/cowardly passive-aggressive behaviors that are common in mainstream society.


I have been thinking about this for a while because my workplace is pretty progressive and there is a diversity and inclusion group which consists of sub-groups that meet up. At the moment however there are only groups for men, women, LGBT... no neurodiversity group. I've been thinking for a long while now whether to try and do something and ask about whether there are others who would like to form a group... it's a bit awkward though as I am undiagnosed, I feel like maybe I'm not the right person to do it.

theprisoner wrote:
I dont' think we're really capable of having friends. We're worlds unto ourselves. It's the nature of our fate. We're like parallel universes in a multiverse. If you're truly autistic, you're wrapped up in your own self first and foremost.


Yeah, this is true - I agree. I am really living in my head most of the time. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I want friends exactly, I think I just want to be accepted for being the way I am.



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 21,694
Location: UK

10 Dec 2021, 5:35 pm

Some Aspies do manage to make friends and live normal social lives. It's not impossible.


_________________
Female
Aged 31
On antidepressants
Diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and mild ASD
Empathy score: 61 out of a possible 80. (High)


Naturalist
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 25 Oct 2012
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 170
Location: Missouri, USA

12 Dec 2021, 8:28 pm

WeirdMetronome wrote:
AprilR wrote:
I heard a term called "situational tolerance" and it basically explains most of my friendships in life. Friends i made at work and school always gradually lose interest after the situation that puts us together is over.


I hadn't heard of that before, that's exactly what happens to me as well. Whenever I finished school, university or changed jobs I was never able to keep friends (if I had any in the first place :P). There's only one person I am still in contact with from an old job but he isn't NT either so I think that might be different.


That's definitely true for me. But it's also what the OP describes: even in the same context, people stop interacting, or react differently to me, and I can't figure out what I might be doing differently to trigger those reactions. Sometimes it feels like gaslighting: I'm led to believe that people like me and accept me as I am...but then one day I wake up and everything is different, and I realize they don't 8O and then I feel like I am going crazy



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 79,525
Location: Queens, NYC

12 Dec 2021, 8:29 pm

That’s why I don’t bother to get close to many people.



Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,639
Location: New York City (Queens)

15 Dec 2021, 12:10 am

theprisoner wrote:
I dont' think we're really capable of having friends. We're worlds unto ourselves. It's the nature of our fate. We're like parallel universes in a multiverse. If you're truly autistic, you're wrapped up in your own self first and foremost.

Please don't generalize to all "truly autistic" people. Many of us do want friends. Moreover, as we get older, we need a support network of some kind, which for many of us means we need friends.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)