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How often do you get invited to things
Every day 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Few times a week 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Every week 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Few times a month 10%  10%  [ 2 ]
Every month 5%  5%  [ 1 ]
Few times a year 19%  19%  [ 4 ]
Once a year 10%  10%  [ 2 ]
Once in few years 29%  29%  [ 6 ]
Never 29%  29%  [ 6 ]
Total votes : 21

Caz72
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22 Sep 2022, 7:14 pm

my husband likes social events if it involves drinking and eating..he likes to take me but i hate going
the only reason i sometimes go is because i like dressing up and it gives me an excuse to look my beautifulest


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QFT
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22 Sep 2022, 7:19 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:
One interesting thing I've noticed: Quite a few of us on here get invited to social events; we simply don't want to go.


And, in contrast, I never get invited on the first place. So why am I worse than y'all since y'all get invited and I don't?

As far as getting invited and choosing not to go, there is nothing wrong with that, since in this case they like you just as much, its you who decided not to go. If I don't get invited on the first place, then people don't like me, so THATS bad.

The purpose of going is to get people to like me. So if they are already liking you (as evident by them inviting you) then your mission is accomplished, so you might as well decline the invitations. But in my case they don't like me (since they aren't inviting me) thats why I wish I could be invited so I could fix it.



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22 Sep 2022, 7:25 pm

Caz72 wrote:
the only reason i sometimes go is because i like dressing up


I have always been wondering why do people negatively judge me based on the close that I wear. First of all, the close is what is on outside, not inside, so logically it should not reflect your character. And, secondly, if for some paradoxical reasons it does reflect your character, does it mean that you are a bad person for the fact that you didn't wear it in your own house, and you are lying by putting it on when you go outside since you pretend as if you always wore it?

But now that you said what you did, I think it might be at least a part of the answer to my question. Could it be that the "immutable quality" that they are looking for is "LIKING dressing up". So in your case you aren't deceiving anybody because you actually like dressing up for the sake of dressing up. And so in my case, they can tell that I don't have that innate need to dress up that you do, and that is how they (correctly) say I am different from you.

Of course, the question remains: why is liking to dress up make you a better person? Cause apparently they do think that, since they would rather interact with you than with me (you being a prototype of someone who dresses up and me being a prototype of someone who is messy).



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22 Sep 2022, 8:03 pm

Quote:
One interesting thing I've noticed: Quite a few of us on here get invited to social events; we simply don't want to go.


It seems to me that most of the time those of us who want to socialise don't get invited, and those of us who don't want to socialise get invited.

I'm one who wants to socialise but don't get invited to many parties outside family. I got invited to a friend's birthday party a few weeks ago (just a little gathering in his backyard) and it was mostly his family but he invited me and my boyfriend, which made me feel so happy and upped my self-esteem a notch.


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QFT
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22 Sep 2022, 8:44 pm

Joe90 wrote:
It seems to me that most of the time those of us who want to socialise don't get invited, and those of us who don't want to socialise get invited.


Do you have any theory that would explain it?

One theory I am thinking of is that desperation pushes people away. Now, I don't say or do anything to indicate that I want to be invited. But maybe they are reading it between the lines.

However, a counter-argument to this is that I remember some people saying I am antisocial. And I was like "why are you saying I don't want to socialize if here I am burning with desperation to do so".

So, yes or no: do they read between the lines that I am too eager, or not? If yes, then why are they saying I am antisocial? If no, then why is it that aspies who want to socialize don't get invited and the ones that don't, do?

Or even lets put it this way. Aspie A (me) wants to socialize. Aspie B, doesn't. They invite Aspie B and don't invite Aspie A. The reason for not inviting Aspie A is that Aspie A is antisocial. But wait a second: Aspie B is even more antisocial. So why are they inviting Aspie B then?

Or in other words, being desperate to socialize would cause others to say I am antisocial. Does it mean that the perceived emotion is the opposite to the actual one?

I guess there might be some truth to it, because the knowledge that I am more desperate than I should be would cause me to over-compensate by doing the opposite and not showing any desire to socialize. But there are two problems with this. First, thats just me. But what you said extends to most aspies, not just me. And, secondly, if it was true, I would have been an excelent actor. Hard to believe, given that my social skills are as poor as they are.

So what is your theory in this regard?

Joe90 wrote:
I got invited to a friend's birthday party a few weeks ago


So at least you have a friend, and I don't

Joe90 wrote:
dme and my boyfriend,


And you have a partner, too. And I don't.

See how even when its you, who says to have worse luck than other aspies, is still doing better than me.



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22 Sep 2022, 8:48 pm

I remember when I was working at the factory back in the 90s. I was never invited to social events by my coworkers. All they saw me as was a retard. I got sick of it. I eventually started hanging out with the older crowd and I was much happier for it.


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Joe90
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23 Sep 2022, 6:08 am

Quote:
And you have a partner, too. And I don't.

See how even when its you, who says to have worse luck than other aspies, is still doing better than me.


Quote:
So at least you have a friend, and I don't


I don't have many friends. This guy is a work colleague and knows both me and my boyfriend.

Yes, I know, I have a boyfriend and I live with him. This is where I question my diagnosis. I seem naturally successful in the dating world but suck at making friends. Some autistic people have way more (NT) friends than me. It baffles me how they do it.

When the colleagues I used to work with left me out when they were going to a theme park, I didn't even know they were going, so I can't have shown any eagerness lol, but they just automatically left me out.

You've got to be a bit eager though, otherwise they won't know you well enough to invite you. My cousin (who has some autism traits but is undiagnosed) seems to make friends because of the way she's constantly suggesting people to meet up, without fear of rejection or humiliation. She often sounds way too eager but they love it and become friends with her.


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23 Sep 2022, 10:59 am

QFT wrote:
Caz72 wrote:
the only reason i sometimes go is because i like dressing up


I have always been wondering why do people negatively judge me based on the close that I wear.

Of course, the question remains: why is liking to dress up make you a better person?


Because appearing in front of other people all messy is rude, or at least that's what I've been taught since I was little. It's bad manners in the same way as not answering a greeting or not saying thank you when one should. This is especially true if someone invites you to a party and you don't even bother to show enough respect to wear tidy clothes... especially since in parties you often need to be more than tidy, so coming over messy is extra rude.

Quote:
However, a counter-argument to this is that I remember some people saying I am antisocial. And I was like "why are you saying I don't want to socialize if here I am burning with desperation to do so".

So, yes or no: do they read between the lines that I am too eager, or not? If yes, then why are they saying I am antisocial? If no, then why is it that aspies who want to socialize don't get invited and the ones that don't, do?


I'd guess that they assume you to be antisocial because you act antisocial by not trying to socialize yourself. If people see two people who they could go talk to, and one is putting in effort and the other is not, it's easier to go over to the one who is already doing part of the work.



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23 Sep 2022, 11:10 am

Fireblossom wrote:
Because appearing in front of other people all messy is rude, or at least that's what I've been taught since I was little. It's bad manners in the same way as not answering a greeting or not saying thank you when one should.


If I am not answering the greeting or not saying "thank you", then I am rude to a specific person. If I am simply messy while walking down the street, then whom exactly am I being rude to? Being rude to one person makes sense: its like I am thinking badly of that person. But being rude collectively to everyone doesn't make much sense.

And then what about homeless people who can't dress even if they wanted to? Are they also rude?

Now, I know that I am even more insulted when people assume I am homeless. But the point is that two insulting assumptions contradict each other. If I am rude, it means I am not homeless and if I am homeless it means I am not rude. So if neither of those things can be said universally, then you can't really make it part of manners can you? Manners should be something you can just read, regardless of knowing the situation of a person who displays them.



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23 Sep 2022, 11:24 am

QFT wrote:
Fireblossom wrote:
Because appearing in front of other people all messy is rude, or at least that's what I've been taught since I was little. It's bad manners in the same way as not answering a greeting or not saying thank you when one should.


If I am not answering the greeting or not saying "thank you", then I am rude to a specific person. If I am simply messy while walking down the street, then whom exactly am I being rude to? Being rude to one person makes sense: its like I am thinking badly of that person. But being rude collectively to everyone doesn't make much sense.


I'm not gonna argue if it makes sense or not, I'm just telling what I, and many others I bet, have been taught. If someone's been taught all their life that going out in public all messy is rude, then unlearning that would be a long effort... and I don't think it's something anyone would want to unlearn since dealing with tidy people is more pleasant anyway due to hygiene reasons.

Quote:
And then what about homeless people who can't dress even if they wanted to? Are they also rude?


I would assume so. I'm under the impression that that's part of the reason why people tend to want them to stay out of sight. But personally, I'd say it's less rude of them since they don't have the same chances to keep tidy as others.

Quote:
Manners should be something you can just read, regardless of knowing the situation of a person who displays them.


Would certainly make things easier for us on the spectrum, but the world doesn't work like that.



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23 Sep 2022, 11:27 am

I think what Fireblossom meant was turning up to a party unkempt, not just walking down the street.

I don't like dressing up, due to sensory issues (most women's formal clothes seem to have itchy tags that are hard to remove, or they stick out or show, which I don't like). So this seems to be the main reason I avoid going to parties (not that I get invited much anyway). I feel most comfortable in hoodies and jeans or elasticated trousers and a t-shirt without too much fuss. I don't like collars or buttons or silk or lace, and I don't wear skirts (I'm a tomboy). I might wear a formal dress if I'm invited to a mature party like a wedding.


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23 Sep 2022, 11:32 am

I'm attending a fancy rehearsal dinner tonight.
The wedding is all day tomorrow, followed by a big reception.

There have been parties all week.
In fact, the celebrations started months ago.

I've met so many people I just smile and nod now.

It's fun, but quite overwhelming.
I'll need to find a safe space where I can decompress a bit.



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23 Sep 2022, 11:40 am

Joe90 wrote:
I think what Fireblossom meant was turning up to a party unkempt, not just walking down the street.


Both, actually, though coming to a party with a messy appearance is a lot ruder than going for a walk or a grocery store looking like that.



SkinnyElephant
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24 Sep 2022, 10:32 am

CockneyRebel wrote:
I remember when I was working at the factory back in the 90s. I was never invited to social events by my coworkers. All they saw me as was a retard. I got sick of it. I eventually started hanging out with the older crowd and I was much happier for it.


Same story for me at a job I had in my younger days. The staff viewed me as mentally challenged (Which is interesting because my IQ was probably the highest of anyone there)

At the jobs I've had since then, however, I've had mixed results. Some jobs have invited me to get togethers outside work; some haven't. Sometimes I've accepted invites; sometimes not.

I also get invited to get togethers by those I know outside work. Which, again, I only sometimes accept the invites.



SkinnyElephant
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24 Sep 2022, 10:41 am

QFT wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
It seems to me that most of the time those of us who want to socialise don't get invited, and those of us who don't want to socialise get invited.


Do you have any theory that would explain it?

One theory I am thinking of is that desperation pushes people away. Now, I don't say or do anything to indicate that I want to be invited. But maybe they are reading it between the lines.

However, a counter-argument to this is that I remember some people saying I am antisocial. And I was like "why are you saying I don't want to socialize if here I am burning with desperation to do so".

So, yes or no: do they read between the lines that I am too eager, or not? If yes, then why are they saying I am antisocial? If no, then why is it that aspies who want to socialize don't get invited and the ones that don't, do?

Or even lets put it this way. Aspie A (me) wants to socialize. Aspie B, doesn't. They invite Aspie B and don't invite Aspie A. The reason for not inviting Aspie A is that Aspie A is antisocial. But wait a second: Aspie B is even more antisocial. So why are they inviting Aspie B then?

Or in other words, being desperate to socialize would cause others to say I am antisocial. Does it mean that the perceived emotion is the opposite to the actual one?

I guess there might be some truth to it, because the knowledge that I am more desperate than I should be would cause me to over-compensate by doing the opposite and not showing any desire to socialize. But there are two problems with this. First, thats just me. But what you said extends to most aspies, not just me. And, secondly, if it was true, I would have been an excelent actor. Hard to believe, given that my social skills are as poor as they are.

So what is your theory in this regard?

Joe90 wrote:
I got invited to a friend's birthday party a few weeks ago


So at least you have a friend, and I don't

Joe90 wrote:
dme and my boyfriend,


And you have a partner, too. And I don't.

See how even when its you, who says to have worse luck than other aspies, is still doing better than me.


I have some possible insights onto why some of us get invited places while others don't.

Your environment can make a large impact. I live in a densely populated area. As a result, I'm always running into neighbors (and they sometimes invite me for get togethers).

Also, the spectrum is a widely varied continuum. The milder your case is, the less likely the outside world is to notice. I'm pretty sure a lot of the population doesn't even realize I'm on the spectrum. It's totally wrong to discriminate against those with more severe cases. But the unfortunate fact is: It happens.

Another factor: If you're a minority (ethnically) in your area, you naturally have less in common with the surrounding population (hence less likely to get invited places). I mentioned on a prior post how some jobs have invited me to get togethers while other jobs haven't. At one job I had in the past, I was outnumbered (demographically) by an ethnic group other than my own. I'm confident this played a role in why I never got invited places by anyone from that job.