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Man Code Rule #1: “No C*ck Blocking”

This particular code violation takes on many forms and is rooted in men’s natural instinct of competition. The bottom line here however is, men do not slander other men in an effort to gain the affection of a lady. Violation of this code is punishable by DEATH! Ok, maybe not by death, but it could at least get the violator punched in the face. A man stands on his own merits and allows a lady to decide.

Man Code Rule #2: “Baby Showers = No Man’s Land”

I’ll skip the “birds and the bees” explanation and jump right to baby shower etiquette. Men do not allow their wives/baby mamas to plan a coed baby shower. I don’t care how “inclusive” she wants it to be. No man — the father to be included — wants to spend his Saturday afternoon tasting baby food or wrapping the mother-to-be’s belly with toilet paper. Men should have the cojones to veto this idea, but ladies can make it easier on us by not making the suggestion.

Man Code Rule #3: “You Are What You Drink”

Simply put, men don’t drink cocktails in fancy glasses or garnished with fruit. There are few exceptions — the gentlemen’s martini (think 007 not Sex in the City) or a Corona with a lime wedge. Blue Curacao/Grenadine colored cocktails with extra cherries are unacceptable.

Man Code Rule #4: “Silence is Golden”

Gentlemen, it is your responsibility to Keep. Your. F*&kin. Mouth. Shut. So that means no stories about the guy’s trip to Brazil, the bachelor party in Vegas or even some of the confides your boy may share with you. This rule however is not as absolute. The gentleman does have room for situational judgment calls. For example, if he is closer to the woman in the relationship then he is obligated to discuss transgressions that can potentially harm his female friend. However, the informant in this particular case cannot break the code of silence for personal gain. While on the topic of silence, it’s also applies to your conduct when you’re out with your crew, if you’re at a game, on a road trip, etc. Sometimes it’s fine to enjoy the silence, so there is NO need to feel like you have to talk every frickin’ second. In fact, it might ruin the vibe.

Man Code Rule #5: “Sword Crossing is Prohibited”

This is probably the oldest rule on the books and should be strictly adhered to at all times! Under no circumstances is “dating” your boy’s ex permissible. She is off limits! In some circles, asking permission prior to taking a dip in the “sloppy seconds” pool is acceptable. I, however, encourage gentlemen to err on the side of brotherhood.

Man Code Rule #1,765: "New Guy"

If you're the new guy at work, "New Guy" is your only name until a new new guy shows up--even if you've been a senior VP for 12 years. Got it, New Guy? Now fetch us some coffee.